Thanks 25. Your words helped a lot. I feel a bit better now.
I still spent most of the day locked up trying not to scare D8 too much. She ended up playing ith the maid all day but she knew something was up though but she's strong and she did everything she could to cheer me up and it did cheer me up in the end.
In an effort to do something positive and take my mind off things, I told her that we had to turn this dreadful house into a home (the place is still mostly empty, with boxes piled up in the corner of the dinning room as we haven't been able to buy much furniture yet)and we started working on a plan.
D8 said that the first thing we needed to make a house a home was love and happiness, then she suggested having music everyday. That's my girl. Now we got a plan to get some pictures up on the walls. We were looking online to download hi-res pics to get printed so I've got a folder full of Beatles pics and Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story. That's my girl alright. She even refused one of the Beatles pics because "Ringo is blurry in the background".
Then she said she wanted a family pic so she started going through our holiday pics and I had to leave the room. So much of this sitch doesn't make sense to me right now.
D8 then suggested we play a game "to make me smile again" so I listened to incredibly long rules to a game that didn't seem to have much of a point to it and we played it and had a good laugh, even if(and especially because)the rules kept changing all the time.
When I put her to bed, and we said our prayers (which I taught her were not a request but a thank you to God), after thanking God for mommy, she paused and then said:"Sometimes I don't recognize her. I don't know who she is. It's like she's a stranger who comes to the house to ask for food. Why is she doing this?"
I told her that I didn't know exactly but that it really didn't have anything to do with her. I told her that her mom still loved her very much and always would. She gave me the biggest hug ever and made me promise to be happy tomorrow. I told her I was happy now. That she was the best, strongest little girl in the world.
I wish my W could hear this. But then again, would she even care? I don't know. I feel like I let my girl down today by not being the rock I need to be for her. I need to wake up from this and get a hold of myself.
BTW 25, I'm not on A/Ds yet and when I asked my doctor about Wellbutrin (and its other names), he says that they aren't allowed in this country. I don't know if that is for all A/Ds or just this particular kind. I'm seeing him tomorrow so I'll see what he recommends.
Thanks again for your kind words. I feel better now.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
As I just posted, I'm better now but your post sent me back to tears. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I thought I was going crazy, or losing the plot but now I see that I'm not alone going through this. Especially the bit about your kid. I felt/feel like such a bad dad that I need my 8-year-old girl to cheer me up. I mean, she's going through hell herself and yet, now she has to be strong for the old man. It's not normal to put kids through this.
Thanks for the advice on the meds. I hope I can manage to get something in this country. I'll see tomorrow.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I am really sorry Arsene. Are you mixing any booze with the meds???? Be careful please. I know things are very tough right now but you have to take care of yourself. You also need to be there for your daughter. Things shall pass. I think you let all of this consume you. It’s on my mind a lot as well but it’s so important that we stop obsessing about it because that will only make matters worse. I am also taking an antidepressant. You mentioned Wellbutrin and that happens to be the one I am on. It seems like it goes with the territory around here. I am glad your going to see the health care provider. Take care of yourself Arsene and keep us updating. We are thinking about you often.
I appreciate this. Rough, I'm pretty much off the booze these days. Was never a big drinker anyway but I made a point not to use that as a crutch so I've cut back to the point that a week with 3 or 4 beers is a binge.
I WILL get through this. I know it. I just got hit unexpectedly but I'll be fine. Thanks for being around, and for your prayers.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
It warmed my heart just reading about your day with your D8 and how much she was trying to cheer you up. Do you see the little angel in her? Her strength, her caring, her love for you? Please keep that in mind when you get to a low, dark place and open your heart and mind to those experiences right now.
Our children have that gift to move us in ways that nobody else can. Use that as a fuel to keep moving and staying strong. I know it's hard to see the point and it's hard to see ourselves out of it sometimes. Believe me - I have been there, with horrible thoughts, which made me even doubt even if my kids needed me...
Your daughter has shown you how the little everyday things in life can get you through the day and just how much she needs you. Build on those until you start feeling better. And fake it until you make it in front of her if you need to, like today. Smile and go with the flow. You will see that you will feed off each other and soon enough you will feel better around her.
Please, please think about your little angel. You are her rock and she is counting on you. You cannot let her down...
We are all here for you and glad that you are going to see the dr. today and get some help.
It will get better.
(((((Arsene)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hi ((((Arsene)))), Just stopping by to let you know I'm still following you and thinking about you and your D. You're good for each other, it's evident in your posts. We all get knocked down (I'm there now) but you have risen back at every turn. Keep being the rock you are for your D. She will remember your strength as she grows. You may not realize it yet, but you are serving as a great role model for her. Take care of yourself! Your little girl sure needs you.
M:45/H43 T:21/M19 D:18 S:11 Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy" H Moves in with mom: 8/10 H Files: 3/11 Now lives with? OW/GF no clue Nothing finalized...
