Lois, I am so sorry you are having a bad time. I relate totally to that sense of dread that we iive with post bomb, and I had it for a very long time. But it goes. I think it is about 70% traumatic shock and 30% having to take total responsibility
I think I may have recommended Private Lies. I am very sorry you are finding it painful, and I apologise for adding to any pain you are feeling. I agree with Snodderly that it isn't helpful for understanding the mind of a MLCer, and maybe it is too soon for you to read it, but one thing we can forget in dealing with MLC is that they take the infidelity route [or most do] and it can be very helpful to understand why they take that route rather than the fast cars etc etc. You might prefer the article by Frank Pittman, which I don't think I am allowed to post a link to, but you can find easily by googling his name. This does seem to explain clearly the MLC type of escape, romantic affair.
They are craving escape and romance. To us the kind of crazy woman they hook up with, usually not as attractive an intelligent as us, appeals to THEM, and they invest her with this romance.
It helped me to see that my xh was actually 'in love' [as defined by Pittman] incredible as it seemed to me, with this crazy woman. Until he wasn't
But what I found most reassuring was Pittmans unwavering stance against infidelity as a solution to anything. Not just in the MLC context, but ever. It solves no problems, only creates more. It no way to either escape from, or exist within, your marriage. The MLCer usually uses an OP to escape from their marriage, and here Pittman's insights as to what is going on are very helpful.
Lois, I wouldn't send the book back. You may want to read it later on when things have settled down for you. I read every book that I could get my hands on. In fact, I created a thread years ago for posters on books that we all had read. It is called Highly Recommended Reading Materials. You may want to take a peek at that to see what we old timers were reading when we began our journey.
I have the utmost respect for Frank Pittman. He doesn't mince words and puts information out there in easy to read and understand terminology.
BTW, Bea, I agree w/you about Frank Pittman and his unwavering stance against infidelity as a solution.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Never thought of it that way, like a bad movie. It is a really bad movie!
OK. So, now I'm picturing myself in a little English village somewhere in the Cotswalds. I think I live with Miss Marple or maybe I'm a character in a Rosamund Pilcher novel. I have the Aga stove I've always wanted, a thatched roof and a beautiful rose garden. I'm sitting by a roaring fire in a comfy, old chair. Miss Marple is making me some tea. Ok, OK... I can do this. Maybe this is why God gave me this bizarre imagination!
Heather
Your final line made me think of the expression "God never gives you more than you can handle".
Some day I am going to send God a STRONGLY worded letter about that notion lol.
Your reference to the "cozies" also caught my eye. I just discovered Carolyn Hart and have been thoroughly enjoying her mysteries. Can't figure out how I missed her work before.
Keep holding on. Better days must come.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Just checking in. I advertised my Dining Etiquette Workshops for Kids this morning. I have an unexpected free day so I'm feeling some relief from the daily grind. Getting quite a bit done this morning.
Haven't texted. Haven't heard anything. Last night was tough, but I feel better today. Could really use a break from D10.
I will keep the book. I'm just having a hard time with the concept that he is "in love" with someone else, at least for now. Still, I know he's more in love with the Responsibility-Free lifestyle, full of booze and pot than the actual woman.
I completely agree on the author's take on affairs--just wish my H was as smart. Can't help but see so much of this as just plain stupid. He wanted continue MC but still see the OW? Huh? How does someone get so delusional? And dumb?
I've had the occasional thought lately about how he is dealing with taking the OW somewhere other than a bar. H is fairly easily embarrassed in places where image is important. He was raised on ski trips and upper middle class affluence. His dad was a judge. So, I'm wondering how it is taking her out in public? She is covered in tattoos and earrings and piercings and looks a bit greasy all the time. I think chronic pot users have some hygiene issues. Anyway, I KNOW it's not my business and I shouldn't dwell on it but it makes ME FEEL BETTER--so I'll take it.
The governor was invited to our wedding for Pete's sake! The whole thing certainly fits with the unresolved parental issues. His parents couldn't be more mortified if he ran naked through Public Square.
He has always felt inadequate where both our parents are concerned. Didn't finish college, the family screw up, yadda, yadda, yadda...
One Day At a Time.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ok, Really wanting to strangle D10 today! Need to vent. Having this Halloween Party on Saturday and I'm "haunting" a 1/4 mile of a wooded trail. Have yet to come up with simple games for little kids in the backyard, advertising for more students, and so on and so on...
My jaws are sore because I must be grinding my teeth like a maniac. The D10 with Aspergers who would have complained had I NOT given the party, is now complaining because I've invited too many people and specifically certain people she doesn't want to walk in the woods with--because they aren't worthy. I'm freaking going to strangle someone.
D18 is going bonkers about college visits and we HAVE to go on a college visit on Nov. 9. My dad keeps calling me about a fender bender D18 had in his truck and I'm just worried I can pay the mortgage. I've borrowed, begged and stolen from everyone and have depleted my help when it comes to money. Still have a million gravestones to paint and dead bodies to create and a witch sillouette to make... and D10 has an opinion about everything!!
Going to take a walk later.
Really tired, frustrated and sick of it ALL falling on my shoulders.
Heather--needed to vent.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, You are definitely grinding your teeth. Time to be firm and set your d down and have a nice chat w/her about how she views people as being "worthy or unworthy". The invitations have already gone out and most likely those that she has deemed "unworthy" may not attend. Everything will work out..dont' sweat the small stuff.
I'm sure your D18 is anxious about the college visits. She's got several weeks before this occurs. What are her concerns?
The next time your father calls about the fender bender, advise him that you do not have the funds right now and more importantly, you need to find funds to cover the house payment, utilities and groceries and that as soon as you can find the money, you'll take care of the fender bender. Of course, you could point out to him that the three of you will move in w/him and then you can save all of your money and pay him back. I'm sure that would go over like a lead balloon. LOL! Honestly, you can't get blood from a turnip!
You definitely need to have a chat with your daughters about the stress that all of you are under, but more importantly that you are doing the best you can. If you don't let them know this, they are going to keep at it until you snap. I hope the walk helped.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe no one sets out to make a bad decision. Each of us tries to make the best decision for our values based on our perception of the information available at the time.
And there the rub “based on the perceptions of the available information.”
Replay, crisis, WAS, MLC label it as you will, they will begin to make sense to us when their perceptions align with ours. Until then attempts to understand their decisions and actions generally lead to frustration, anxiety and sleep deprivation, driving us further down our own tunnels where our perceptions risk alteration.
Where we enter our own fog.
Sometimes they are not even making decisions. Sometimes they are flying by the seat of their pants reacting to the last puff of wind.
This is a time when we must be focused on what is best for us, and for our children. So we stay present and make good informed rational decisions. Take a breath slowly and do not allow yourself to knee jerk react.
Remember, everyone is breathing, no one is bleeding.
GAL, detachment and giving space were crucial to my salvation. I prayed a lot also and posted so many times my personal crises. There is a quote I found helped me from focusing on my X’s crisis and what may happen.
“There is no better moment than now. I always tell my wife: If you dwell on your worst case scenario and it does not happen, you have wasted your time. If it does happen, you have lived it twice" – Michael J Fox
This from a man younger than I staring Parkinson’s disease in the face.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
On the Halloween games, one that is always popular is to divide the kids into two teams. Have the teams pick one person to 'wrap'. Give the teams cheap rolls of toilet paper (the cheaper, the better)and the first team to wrap their mummy from head to toe are the winners. Always good to remind them to leave eyes and noses free of the TP.
Go to the internet to get ideas for other games or activities for the party.
Snodderly is spot on with the financial advice. Try not to let what you can't do anything about at this time send you spinning. It will work out.
I truly get what you are saying about having it all fall on your shoulders. I felt the same way for a while. My perspective started to change when I realized that the decisions I was making on my own actually most of the time were sound and worked out. I felt less and less put upon. I always had a plan B, just in case. I even started to appreciate the fact that I didn't have to take anyone else's opinion into consideration.
JustStunned, I love your quote from MJF. I will remind myself everyday to live my life now, stop worrying about what could happen. I have already wasted time and relived things I worried about months ago. Thanks for sharing the quote.
