I've been going through something I don't understand right now. I get over-flooded by emotions I though I'd dealt with. Stuff I thought I'd accepted, and now I can't seem to be able to take it, or let go of it.
The same thing happened to me. After BD I thought I had come to accept the situation and that everything would be fine no matter if the M would survive or not. I really thought I had been through the worst of it. Then about 2 months later I suddenly found myself spiralling downward into the lowest place in my entire life. I also had my first ever anxiety/ panic attack, it lasted days. I was getting up in the morning and getting ready for work, then going back to bed before even finishing getting dressed. I was totally convinced my family would be better off without me, after all they'd have the life insurance, etc. etc. It was that bad. I think the worst thing during that period was when I laid on the couch and S9 laid down with me. He hugged me and told me he was sorry I was sick, I hugged him back but I felt so totally empty inside I had no feelings towards him at all. No love, nothing. I was a shell. After 3 days with just a few hours total sleep I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe situational depression and put on the A/D's and benzos. The next week was awful, the benzos were helping me sleep but I was waking up dizzy (could barely walk) and confused and still felt severely depressed. I really wanted to quit the A/D's because I felt like they were causing more problems. I called the doc and she convinced me to stick it out. Like I said above, it took 3 weeks to really start feeling better and 5 or 6 weeks before things stabilized and I was feeling pretty much like my pre-BD self. I also learned the benzos were causing the dizziness in the mornings, and that taking the A/D's in the evenings was keeping me from sleeping (thus the need for the benzos). So I started taking the A/D's in the morning and after that was able to sleep without the benzos. After stopping the benzos I was waking up feeling pretty much normal.
That may be more info than you wanted, but I'm just trying to point out that A) the med's don't always work right away and B) sometimes changes are needed to find the right balance for you.
I can completely sympathize with where you are, I remember it quite vividly. Please, get help. Don't try to do this alone. Rest assured that it will get better, a LOT better. I know it's small consolation when you're in the middle of it, but it is absolutely true. Your feelings of self-worth will return. I get so much love and pleasure from hugging my kids now that I can scarcely believe that I was that empty shell just a few months ago. That was a horrible place to be.
