The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Acc...love the advice, yet once again:) I am planning on waiting a bit and if H brings up the favorite/hero stuff again, I will say things like what you have suggested. No contact with us ysterday after the "leave me alone" comment. He didnt contact kids also, which is to be expected if he thinks they hate him:( I do get my sonogram tomorrow to find out the gender and I am debating on texting him the exciting news. I feel I should at least tell him, but dont want to make a conversation about it. Maybe a quick text to say:

"We are having a baby boy/girl" and leave it at that...maybe add a smiley at the end so he doesnt feel like Im being snippy...advice on that?

My concern is tomorrow is Wed and that is usually his night to take the girls. Neither want to go this week, but luckily there is a school function for my youngest that would have prevented them from going regardless of this recent argument. Im just nervous to let him know they wont be coming because that would mean, in his mind, that Im keeping the kids from him because IM UPSET...when really its not the case at all. I actually feel like he should be spending more time with them...so they feel more involved with him and he them.

Like I mentioned in my other post, for some reason yesterday I just had this feeling of "whatever". I know that it wont last forever, as I have constant waves of emotions, but I felt for the first time since he left that I really dont NEED him here. I miss him and love him, but that I have to move along for myself and my girls and the feeling was nice. I am so used to thinking about how much my life will be sad without him that I havent given enough thought about how my life will BE OKAY without him. I have been so caught up in the fact that he wont be here for our new baby, and that he is probably with OW (although not confirmed) and that he doesnt care.

I have seen this past few days that H is really hurting and sad. I cannot imagine that someone who is happy go lucky with a great life can lash out and act like this. Although I know I cannot help him with his feelings now, I know from our past how sad he would get over things and I know this must be crushing him. A part of me gets a bit mad and knows he has chosen this path for himself and he has to walk the walk, but another part of me knows his deep depression and that things like this will effect him for some time. I cannot help but to care...but know I need to move on with myself because my kids are suffering:(

Vero- thanks for commenting! I am experiencing first hand how hard it is to be going through this while pregnant. My emotions wont quit and I keep imagining life with a newborn without H. He was the most attentive, active father since conception with both my daughters. So, going through this alone has been VERY DIFFICULT! I do have my girls, who are older (14,11) and my family and friends who have helped me stay excited...but its never the same. I anticipate the holidays, the birth, etc....I just dont know how this will play out. I can tell you that I went back and read a bit of your story and I CANNOT do what you did with letting H back to see the kids everyday like that. Too painful for me and my older girls to watch him leave everyday. Its already hard on them when he drops them off from having them one night a week. I can say that I worry about how he will see the baby on a regular basis...I just dont think that he will. He has comes to terms with this, I believe. He also knows that he will not be a part of the delivery either. This is to protect myself, not to be a vindictive Bi*ch...

Its hard to foresee years of these feelings...but honestly its already been 6 months since I found out about OW and 7 months since he met her. I cannot confirm they are still together, but I assume they are still at least talking. We have a court date to finalize our sep in Nov and my guess is that he is laying low until after the court date. He may even have move in plans with her..who knows...but that would jeopardize him seeing kids overnight.

I want to believe that he is with her and that is why he has not made any moves to R, but that may not be the case. He may just be done without her in the picture. Of course, my mind always races to how wonderful their time must be together and I "romanticize" their relationship in my head which makes it worse for me...so I have tried very hard to stop thinking about what he is doing. My only contact recently has been about the kids, although it has been arguing. I am not contacting him anymore as of now....going for the complete NC again....it was better for me.

I hate that I used to be such an upbeat, happy, clappy, person
and now my life has come to this. I must get back there before the holidays..if for anyone...my kids....