Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

H came around today to pick up his fishing rods and golf clubs. He was taking things out if the shed to get to the things he needs. When he was done he was putting everything back in and the kids had hung their bogey boards by the string. H was saying really kids and without thinking I said " you will miss that one day" "he said I already do" I think he got offended but I didn't mean it like that.


He was trying to decide weather to take a chair because he probably wouldn't use it because he would probably be boat fishing. ( I miss our boat) I said well knowing you if your boat fishing for a bit and don't catch anything you will end up bank fishing. He smiled and said " you know me too well" and went and got it.

He was talking about his fucture and how he is buying a motorbike soon. (He has always wanted one.) and how he is thinking of staying at his Mums for a year and saving up to but his own place instead of renting. I said "I don't know that's your decision" he looked a little said when I said that.

He is pretty sure he will be buying/ renting up there. (three hours away.) so basically that means that we have no hope in trying to piece our relationship together. I'm not pulling my kids out of school and leaving everything/ one behind to try to fix our relationship, when he could very well turn around and do the same thing again!

I need to look after me and my kids first. This has been hard enough on us. I can't imagine putting my children through all that, moving so far away, changing schools and then have this happen all over again.

I guess that means that chances are, it really is over. There still is the slightest hope that he may move down here instead but I don't know. He seemed to have made up his mind. We will be okay though.

I guess I should be thankful for the love we had. For the thirteen years we shared together. I love him so much but ultimately I want him to be happy. If that means me being hurt than so be it. I just so wish my kids being hurt too didn't have to be a conceerquence of his actions.

I have learnt that the hardest person to forgive, is quite often ourselves. I forgive me! I forgive me for any and all of my past mistakes. You know what? I'll take them as me not having the life experience to know how to deal with certain situations. That's not important now, what's important is that I learn from my mistakes. Now that I do have those life experiences I choose to learn and grow from them. That's what I think is important.


He cuddled me twice before he went. Long meaningful cuddles (or so it seemed) he kissed me on the neck last time too. He had a strange look in his eyes. Sadness? Guilt? Regret? A mixture? I love him and I miss him and I wish things were different but their not.

His going away for work for three weeks. That will be the longest I have ever gone without seeing him.

I know now that I will be okay. So will my kids.