Riding the Bull

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of advice but mostly, for your presence.

I've been going through something I don't understand right now. I get over-flooded by emotions I though I'd dealt with. Stuff I thought I'd accepted, and now I can't seem to be able to take it, or let go of it.

I canceled my work today, had D8 taken to school, and I've been locked in my room all morning crying like a frickin' baby. It doesn't make sense, I know but I can't seem to be able to stop it. I'm off the Xanax as I suspect it might be the cause of this. I don't know. It's just more than I can handle now.

I doubt it's the xanax CAUSING the tears, b/c it usually ended or slowed my down. But it's not an "upper happy pill". It's a calming "depressant" and is mainly for sleep and anxiety.

Your ADs may kick in soon. How long have you been on them?

My worst times were when I stared at my fears and believed they were real. Like that I'd never be loved again OR that I had blown it or was a shrew of some type. Maybe that's where you are now? It passes but more importantly,

You have come here and you've exposed yourself, warts and all.

You are facing some tough things but with dignity, bravery and strength. Maybe a bit of stubborness but I think that helps.

And Arsene, the thing is, you are 'naked' here among us. We see you for who you really are, and hey, we are all still here, rooting for you anyhow.

what does that tell you?



Sorry, I assure you this is not me feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what it is. I'll report back later.

Thanks for listening,

Keep us posted.

And don't guilt yourself about the meds. They are NOT a sign of weakness and the side effects (like reduced libido) were such a non issue for me when my dad died compared to how I felt Not taking them. Besides, we still ML b/c I wanted the intimacy and sex is about a lot more than actual libido. BUT in time, sure I felt well enough to stop them and I did. Not a biggie.

Denver, funny you suggested wellbutrin. I tried that in Alaska (for the weird sluggish melancholy I felt in the long dark days, which I guess is SAD)

and it helped with that. Felt like long acting coffee. But when my dad died, I was REALLY sad and could not concentrate on my new job OR interact and focus with the kids, and found the SSRIs were most helpful. Wellbutrin had no negative effect on the libido but if I'd felt anxiety, I think it would not have been the right one for me then.

I share this Arsene b/c diff people feel diff depths and types of sadness and grief and depression. And there are vastly different meds for each so if this one does not work for you then discuss it with your doctor.

I hear and respect Tori's issues with the meds but feel you have already expressed your wariness. You are not the type to abuse them or stay on them longer than needed. (And A lot more suicide is prevented by ADs than caused.) Don't let yourself feel worse about it or be swayed by anecdotes of the exception to the rule. It's NOT weak to take them.

And like I said, but it bears repeating,

we are here rooting for a man who made some mistakes in his marriage but is facing his life and heartbreak more bravely than 90% of people ever do.

You post to us here and you come "emotionally naked".

We see you warts and all, we have come to know you and like I said,

we still care. You can't possibly really be the unlovable monster you fear. It's just not so.

Keep on keeping on.