I think I see the picnic!

[longrun]

veroprado, it's ok - setbacks like these happen. We are only humans. Don't worry, this won't be a "make or break" event of your R. Enjoy yourself on Tuesday, talk about funny recent events. The basis of an R is attraction, physical and emotional. So think of how H will like you at the dinner - while staying detached. Yeah, it's easy to preach, LOL. I know how difficult the balance is...

[scaredsilly]

vero, i think it's good you'll be in a restaurant when you talk. we are less inclinded to scream and yell in restaurants!

i also want to commend you on realizing that you were using anger to put those boundaries out and not your needs. it took me decades to figure that out.

i might help if you write down what you want to accomplish on the dinner and rehearse what you want to say. it helps me.

i know you'll be fine. enjoy the dinner, too! it will be nice to go without the kids and not have to be a mom, too.

[Arsene]

And yes..thank God for our little blessings. It always helps me to know I am sleeping in the same house with them at night and waking up with them in the morning.

Yes indeed. And I don't know how they (WAS) can live without this. It's almost like for my W, being a mother is an inconvenience right now. She's actually happy that I insist on taking care of D8.

This made me think about something last night. If I'm such a horrible person to live with, if I make people always feel guilty to hurt them and control them, if I'm overly judgmental and criticizing and an anger freak, if I'm the man she' described to her friends and family, why on earth would she let her daughter stay with me? It doesn't make sense.

[mamabird]

If I'm such a horrible person to live with, if I make people always feel guilty to hurt them and control them, if I'm overly judgmental and criticizing and an anger freak, if I'm the man she' described to her friends and family, why on earth would she let her daughter stay with me? It doesn't make sense.

I've thought that too in my sitch. I had a therapist say, H trusts you with lots of things, just not with his heart.

Remember that WAS are usually terribly confused and conflicted, and she's probably said all that stuff because she's HURT that you couldn't be the way she wanted you to be. Remember that ANGER is usually fueled by HURT. But she's not hurt in the way you've been a dad, so there you go. There's no self-protection or risk there, as far as the kids go. Only with her heart.

Vero... good for you for recognizing your patterns. Agree with SS there. Once you realize you are starting to be more aware of your own behavior, own motivations, it's a great feeling. You feel like you're more in control and it's empowering. So even though you got angry with him, you were able to recognize it and apologize. GREAT progress.

A dinner alone in a restaurant is a good step. You're there to discuss your sitch but I'd still make an effort to look nice and would try to keep things light otherwise. I need to catch up on your particulars a bit. I wasn't aware you and H were actively going to MC.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you SS for your kind words. I was worried I was going to get slack for apologizing. When I told a friend, she didn't say anything but raised her eyebrows. Quickly I assumed she didn't agree but then I stopped taking all the advice I get from her. Only what I want to hear ;-)

Thank you Arsene for bringing that up. It actually made me laugh! Yeah if he thinks I have issues with depression and anger then why the heck does he leave his kids with ME! lol! He's the crazy one!

Thank you Regretful for the confidence boost! I need a lot of it! And yeah we have been going to a MC since Feb. It's improved our communication and in turn our relationship. It was with the premise to help us "coparent" but it's just a disguise to work on your relationship.

Today I hit another low. I felt depressed again. I was fortunate enough to reach an Al Anon mtg and share my frustrations. I didn't react to my depression but just felt down. I am going to talk to IC about recommending someone for meds. I don't want to continue this way.

This morning h came over after I asked him not to because i wanted to sleep in. He came over late for a few min. Funny how he thinks this is ok!

It got me to thinking, Why do I allow him to cross my boundaries?

I was brought up in a home where there was physical and verbal abuse. We didn't set boundaries. If we did, we were considered rude/mean/disrespectful of others. So when my dad read my diary in HS I wasn't upset. I figured he had a right to look through it since I left it out.

Also, I resolved anger by reacting. I blamed others for my reactions. I would justify crossing their boundaries. So when other crossed mine I figured it was my fault. I must've done something wrong.

Back to H,
When he comes over in the morning after I told him not to, I feel guilty being assertive. I think, "oh poor H wants to see the kids and I'm being selfish." Funny but I am beginning to feel relieved when he doesn't show up. Before I was annoyed at the thought of him not showing up. Interesting.

I met with my sponsor yesterday. I told her that I stopped obsessing about R and now I am going through a depressive state. She said it's because I'm being forced to look at myself. Obsessions distract you from your true focus, working on yourself.

Also, in service yesterday the minister said, don't worship flesh. worship God. I took it as Don't try to find love in someone or something else (ie obsessing about H/R). Love yourself.

[mamabird]

Once you are comfortable with your own boundaries and are comfortable telling other people what they are, you will feel so much more empowered. I know that I certainly had let my H walk all over me and basically had zero boundaries with him. When we don't have boundaries with other people we are giving them permission to disrespect us. At least, that is what happened in my sitch.

Do not feel guilty about being assertive. Assertive = strong. Many people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness. There is a difference. Assertive people stand up for what they want. Aggressive people hit other people over the head to get what they want. Remember that you have to take care of you - and it probably will take some assertiveness.

Before my sitch started to turn around, Breakdown would tell me to "get a backbone." I had no boundaries with my H and he would throw borderline violent fits with name calling and the works. He reminded me to "ask for what you want", which is one of the DB principles. You can ask for something resolutely and absolutely without being mean or unreasonable. I think you have more power that way anyway.

[2chiquitos]

Thank you RegretfulLA, assertive vs. aggressive. I'll keep that in mind. And yeah I need to get a backbone in all this. That's what I'm doing today.

We are having our "talk" today and I'm seriously letting go. I no longer feel guilty. Before I was carrying his guilt and now I'm just doing nothing. No contact seems very easy to me right now. And I doubt I will go back to how things were.

I want to tell him that I love him and appreciate the changes he has made. I have also made changes to improve myself and in turn improve my relationship with others, especially him. I believe he is a good father to his children and they know that. Which is why I no longer feel the need to have him over in the mornings and evenings.

The kids and I will be ok. He will continue to see them daily after work and on weekends from 12-5p. If he would like more time he can have S4 spend one night on the weekend and not see him during the week.

I cannot continue to have that relationship with him. It is damaging me too much. Knowing that he continues to have a relationship with OW and that he is still uncertain if he wants to come back, are too much for me to handle. I have been patient but it's time I take care of myself.

Wish me luck. I've had a headache all day.

[keep_going]

Vero,

You sound good and decided. Good luck today with your talk. Just one thing to keep in mind - he might not like the visitation schedule you have planned. The logical thing would be for him to want more time.

If so, are you willing to compromise and have him take the kids to his place more often? I am all for you setting healthy boundaries for you, but at the same time, I am for being fair and thinking about how the kids need him as well.

I would recommend that no matter what, you listen to him and perhaps sit on what he has to say for a while and then get back to him at a later time if need be.

I like what Regretful said - assertiveness vs. aggressiveness!

You will do great!

(((vero)))

[scaredsilly]

good luck, vero. it's not easy but you're doing it. its a day-by-day thing.

i can see that you're getting stronger with your resolve to detach from him while he's with OW.

i'm glad, though, that he wants to be a good parent. there are some crappy one on here and it's sad to see the kids hurting.

i think boundaries are best expressed when we're not angry and in a more matter-of-fact way, as in, "this is what i need and i have to have it to function in a healthy way."

it's really not a demand, more of a disclosure of a part of yourself. hope that makes sense.

[2chiquitos]

Hi all!
I am in a much much better place. A lot was said at dinner last night. To be honest it went south because I got very angry. I felt as if he was not empathizing with me.

Thankfully we talked again after and again today. We do so much better after arguments than before this whole sitch.

He said some things that I want to share.

His IC said that if H planned to return he should look at the statistics of relationships that actually survive infidelity. Apparently resentment destroys the relationship eventually.

This worried me. H has been seeing this IC for a yr and he doesn't sound promarriage.

Also, H told me he is unsure of returning but he's hopeful. He continues to see my anger as a problem, saying that it would eventually make him leave again (this sounds like what his IC said!)

A lot of other things were said but that stood out for me.

We are now going about our day with the new arrangement. It makes me feel so much better. I finally feel at ease. Not as much tension. I can enjoy my day.