I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

Thank you SS for your kind words. I was worried I was going to get slack for apologizing. When I told a friend, she didn't say anything but raised her eyebrows. Quickly I assumed she didn't agree but then I stopped taking all the advice I get from her. Only what I want to hear ;-)

Thank you Arsene for bringing that up. It actually made me laugh! Yeah if he thinks I have issues with depression and anger then why the heck does he leave his kids with ME! lol! He's the crazy one!

Thank you Regretful for the confidence boost! I need a lot of it! And yeah we have been going to a MC since Feb. It's improved our communication and in turn our relationship. It was with the premise to help us "coparent" but it's just a disguise to work on your relationship.

Today I hit another low. I felt depressed again. I was fortunate enough to reach an Al Anon mtg and share my frustrations. I didn't react to my depression but just felt down. I am going to talk to IC about recommending someone for meds. I don't want to continue this way.

This morning h came over after I asked him not to because i wanted to sleep in. He came over late for a few min. Funny how he thinks this is ok!

It got me to thinking, Why do I allow him to cross my boundaries?

I was brought up in a home where there was physical and verbal abuse. We didn't set boundaries. If we did, we were considered rude/mean/disrespectful of others. So when my dad read my diary in HS I wasn't upset. I figured he had a right to look through it since I left it out.

Also, I resolved anger by reacting. I blamed others for my reactions. I would justify crossing their boundaries. So when other crossed mine I figured it was my fault. I must've done something wrong.

Back to H,
When he comes over in the morning after I told him not to, I feel guilty being assertive. I think, "oh poor H wants to see the kids and I'm being selfish." Funny but I am beginning to feel relieved when he doesn't show up. Before I was annoyed at the thought of him not showing up. Interesting.

I met with my sponsor yesterday. I told her that I stopped obsessing about R and now I am going through a depressive state. She said it's because I'm being forced to look at myself. Obsessions distract you from your true focus, working on yourself.

Also, in service yesterday the minister said, don't worship flesh. worship God. I took it as Don't try to find love in someone or something else (ie obsessing about H/R). Love yourself.