Oh Ok..... Thanks! That explains EVERYTHING NOW! LOL.
The cognitive dissonance with him over the past 18 months has been insane.
AFter defending my boundaries good and hard with him several times he seems to have backed off, and appears to possibly RESPECT the fact that we are divorced and is treating our sitch as parents accordingly.
On another note Im wanting to choke him. He was supposed to pick up the girls today for school and he never showed. His truck is at OW's place of work this morning.
Either he forgot or was emotionally blackmailed into it. Im looking back and instances where I question if emotional blackmail was involved by OW or if it was just his actions of selfishness.
OR...cognitive dissonance. Like coping out on child support so he can pay his bills after paying them faithfully for 9 months prior.
I am so pissed off right now. But reminding myself people give themselves enough rope they will surely hang themselves is the truest thing I've ever seen. It's all a matter of time.
Kimmerz, Not making excuses for him, but he most likely forgot and the ow took his truck today.
I understand you being angry...count to ten, beat the crap out of a pillow or take a long walk...but you don't need your blood pressure going through the roof.
Karma has a way of biting people in the @ss who do the wrong things in life. Time is on your side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's exactly what happened. He forgot. Im blowing off steam here so I can conduct myself like a classy woman to XH. I refuse to be provoked to reacting like an ass because I wasn't on top of my emotional control.
It still stings a bit to see she gets free reign of that damn vehicle when I wasn't able to drive it at all. But it did take her constant bitching of not having wheels and finally getting a job after refusing for 9 months before he finally let her drive it.
I did receive what appeared to be a sincere apology by text from XH forgetting about the plans we made. I was actually blown away at how validating the text was! Monster XH, or moody MLCer would say " sorry. try again next week". But this is what MLCer XH says today.
"Crap sorry about that. When I got your text yesterday saying you had today and tomorrow off it clicked in my head that you were taking them, forgot you asked me to take them on Monday because of amber's tantrum's. how was she this morning? Will remember next Monday or did you want me to take them tomorrow?"
Yesterday I asked him if he was taking the girls wednesday and thursday for his visitation. instead of a plain "ya" as usual, I get this response:
"Yes wed and thurs night, still not sure what we are doing for Halloween, did they want me to take them around town or were you going to. Still don't know if I will have it off I assume so because I seem to be getting Wednesday even when Im on graveyard".
This is what I noticed. Chatty MLCer, appearing to be emotionally available and apologzing for being forgetful. Compared to andropausal MLCer with mood swings and being aloof and stand offish.
Either OW is not home, or he's cycling.
OR PERHAPS HE'S GETTING SOME THINGS. It just takes several weeks for the concept to be grasped by him? Hmmm. I did email him a long email about rebellion issues with D9 a month ago in addition to heartfelt request for his help and admitting I allowed my ego to NOT ASK FOR IT in the past.
My defense button has been pushed, and I get very leary when he's being nice.
HOWEVER.... I will calm down. Remember Karma will have it's way and from what I hear already has.
I have asked the Universe and God to please help us get on the same page for at least the children's sake. I told myself next time I saw positive actions from him I wouldn't flip out into defensive oblivion nor begin unrealistic expectations.
I wouldn't react in a way that would make him feel smashed on the head for making a mistake. I will carefully think over my response.
My defense button has been pushed, and I get very leary when he's being nice.
Ohh...I so know this feeling ^^^. What I found works for me is actually quite simple...
I take what my XW says at pure face value and apply ZERO expectation to it.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I take what my XW says at pure face value and apply ZERO expectation to it.
That's spot on. I learned real quick that if the MLCer offers to do anything, make sure there is a backup plan because chances are, it won't happen. ZERO expectations means that when the MLCer fails to do what they say, there isn't any anger about it either. Because this is what we should expect. Fair to us? No. Sanity saving for us. YES.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Taking it at face value is the best option and has saved my sanity.
However what's kept me on guard is that I HAVE TAKEN things at face value only to find out he puts a whole new spin on things and shoves it in my face! You know those things that we just can't make up if we tried?
For example, the tax return. He tells me he felt it was fair we split it 50/50 but given I had the girls most of the time I would be awarded the tax return if I asked for it. He said he would leave the decision up to me whether we split it or not. I told him I wanted it because I had ALOT of things to cover as my expenses for the kids are higher given they live with me all the time. There was no argument from him. Face value to me was " ok he thinks it's fair either way, so this is my choice. He meant what he said and he's ok with this. Gee how nice of him".
HA!
2 months later when I asked for child support because it was late and garnishment not in action yet, I got REEMED by him! How dare I ask him for child support when I got a large tax return, while he's barely making it on his wages!!! He had to pay his bills!He was behind and needed to catch up and since I had plenty, then he was entitled to slip out of child support to take care of himself first.
That's called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL FOLKS.
Didn't work. I truth-darted and intergrity-darted him to death on that one. Did it make a difference? Probably not.
So when he's being nice.....he's usually up to something.
I was reading the definition of it and found it a little complicated.
Can someone give examples of cognitive dissonance?
As I understand cognitive dissonance would refer to two (or more) conflicting sets of thoughts/emotions at the same time. An MLCer may simultaneously tell the LBS they want nothing to do with them/ don't love them/ have an other m/w yet continue to expect marital harmony or relations. It is how they "cake eat" and do not at all see their hypocrisy.
Yes, and I'm responding knowing that you understand this, Kimmerz...
I do want to be clear on a couple things about this if it might help you or others:
+ as you understand, the MLCer (WAS) goes through cog-D... AND the LBS goes through cog-D (as explained by forward; and we have all experienced) This (IMHO) is actually where the LBS (and I speak to the LBS, because it's an obvious pattern the MLCer goes to monster to resolve the dissonance. Choice... not a choice...? IDK. The LBS does... have a choice...
+ while the LBS works (hopefully actively and positively) to resolve the dissonance, it is almost like a double bind for the LBS. As mrsrjd submits, it's how the MLCer "cake eats", yet does not see the hypocrisy. And when the LBS does not follow the MLCer's expectations (how COULD the LBS do so, they can't mind read the thoughts of someone who's emotionally bouncing all over the place; never mind not on a GOOD day), the MLCer goes into spew and the LBS may fall into a pattern of owning the blame / problem, so it continues...
So, like a double bind, and for the sanity of the LBS... the LBS MUST remove themselves from the dissonance. It's the only way to break a double bind... it's the only way to remove the dissonance (allowing one to view the sitch objectively)... removing oneself removes the pattern.
Anyhow, just thoughts and certainly my opinion on the whole dynamic. YMMV.
And that's exactly where I've been and we've all been with our MLCers. That is why for the sake of our sanity and health we MUST get off that roller coaster.
It's baffling to realize that our spouses are peculiar blends of who we knew. It's hard to recognize some of the particularly unkind things that they might have done are acts of the same person who might have been wonderful for us once. These things take a long time to come to terms with. And it's OK if it takes a long time.
Yes. Yes it does. That was one of the hardest to me. I described it at the time as if she had broken into a thousand pieces, and I was watching as she tried to put herself back together. It was like watching a child awkwardly put a puzzle together. Sometimes pounding to fit some of the pieces. At other times creating pieces with scissors... It was bizarre to say the least and is likely a work in progress still.
But you're right. It takes a long time to come to terms with and accept these things.
Cheers! AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I was curious if anyone had issues with their children that really required you to work with your Xspouses on things?
It just seems that my girls have always got something going on that really require both parents working together to help them.
D9 struggling with homework, major attatchment to me, and having tantrums.
D13 still bed wetting, and now I do believe either very forgetful or lying about stff. She has this big knack to turn things around and switch her stories about stuff more often and then turn right around and tell me she told me these things.
Either Im getting early onset dementia from the stress or someone is b.sing me. I think it's the latter.
So I once again have to contact XH about a few things. She told me her dad gets her up 2 times a night so she won't wet the bed in the past. Then she just told me this morning he wakes her up every two hours and she told me this before. XH has not said a thing to me so I will contact him to clarify some stuff.
The girls also haven't been telling me that XH wants to have them packed up and ready for their 2 nights the morning he picks them up for school. So when he comes to get them, they're not ready like they should be.
At any rate it's obvious he and I need to really communicate amongst ourselves to keep all of this organized.
But it's still SO HARD for me to do that. I'ts like after we've text about this, I just feel emotionally exhausted. I feel that way because we used to always get along quite well in regards to the kids. So it's nice to have that back. But then it's like a nightmare and insult to injury after all that's happened.
If I had my way I would never speak to him again nor ever set eyes on him. Do you ever get used to this? Do the X's every stop annoying you? Maybe it's me and my all or nothing thinking. If we're done we're done. I resent the fact that for the best interest of the children we have to have some sort of semi parenting relationship. I resent the hell out of it!!!
I know Im being inmature. But damn it anyway. It just feels like I need to contact him for something all the time anymore because of the kids. If we don't get on the same page about this bedwetting issue she'll never grow out of it. If we don't get on the same page about the homework and tantrums, there's trouble there too.
