Knowing Rough, he's still digesting the great info offered on his thread . Hope you had a great weekend mate!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
That I was not lovable. That I was mean or cold or unforgiving and at times i felt that way!!
And that might mean I'd never find someone. Well, I have come to see my value a lot more now than I did before.
And I learned to let go of things I could not control and
I learned to forgive, which was a huge life lesson for me, which I'd never seen growing up.
That alone, was the single biggest change in me. And for that, I'm grateful.
I have close friends and to this day, I meet men who seem interested. I met them while my h and I were sep too.
So I realized that IF my m was indeed over, IF & when the time came for me to feel healed enough and trusting enough to date, I would find someone if I wanted to.
MY DB coach and mc said not to stay married b/c of fears of being alone b/c they are not realistic when you get right down to it. They feared a premature recommitment more than me being alone long term and they had a point. But frankly, putting the energy into another long term r, was NOT the first thing on my list.
I have never seen it as a healthy sign, when an LBSer quickly wants a new r to begin.
To me, it reeks of neediness and is often part of why their first m's ended OR b/c they didn't want to know what their role was.
One guy actually told me his marriage of 25 years ended "totally" b/c of his wife. He said she was the 'SOLE reason their m ended, you can ask anybody"...
I mean, who says that? Worse, who believes it?
The men I met who had recently divorced or sep, and wanted to date ME then,
were just NOT ready, imo. Some of them were clingy and cynical or controlling, sometimes all at once. Many of them critisized their ex wives and that was always a concern. (=No insights on their ends?)
One thing I hope you realize is that dating OPs may actually make you miss your spouse MORE, not less. And that can happen with your spouse too.
For instance, meeting OMs often made me miss my h's education more b/c many men I met were simply not well informed or interested in current events or other cultures, etc.
My h is an interesting and interestED man. We have things in common. Meeting OMs reminded me of that. Same with my h's being in good physical shape.
I like feeling like the female of the species, and small men, or obese men, were reminders of that. So if your w meets some OM, it does not always mean you lose by comparison. And YOU control more of that then you may realize.
Anyhow, I hope this helps a little.
Hey All!!! This is much different from your other posts 25. I don’t believe I've seen this side of you very often. It’s nice to learn what you went through, as bitter sweet as it might be. I must say, you practice what you preach. Most of your post is very solution oriented. I like your idea, I should write a list of temporary or permanent upsides of W being gone. Haaa, that sounded funny but I think it would be an excellent exercise. Hell, what better time then now. BTW, I hope I am not badmouthing my W to much. I am also unsure if I am on the right track but I will give it a go.
I don’t need to worry about her rejection anymore, she’s already left. No more stressing about our lackluster sex life because she’s definitely not giving it to me now. I have a lot more freedom to do what I want and when I want. I have been forced to look in the mirror, that’s a huge upside because I wouldn't have done that unless she was gone. I don’t have to be a pleaser anymore because she’s gone. She used to affect my self-confidence. Now that she’s gone I feel I have more control over it. Since she's gone, SOME of my jealousy issues have vanished. I can blast my music as loud as I want!! I am able to hang my swordfish in the living room. I can eat bacon whenever I want.
I started writing this list so I could see the benefits or the upside. I am noticing some of my flaws instead. This is messed up. ___________________________ Me:38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
That I was not lovable. That I was mean or cold or unforgiving and at times i felt that way!!
And that might mean I'd never find someone. Well, I have come to see my value a lot more now than I did before.
And I learned to let go of things I could not control and
I learned to forgive, which was a huge life lesson for me, which I'd never seen growing up.
That alone, was the single biggest change in me. And for that, I'm grateful.
I have close friends and to this day, I meet men who seem interested. I met them while my h and I were sep too.
So I realized that IF my m was indeed over, IF & when the time came for me to feel healed enough and trusting enough to date, I would find someone if I wanted to.
MY DB coach and mc said not to stay married b/c of fears of being alone b/c they are not realistic when you get right down to it. They feared a premature recommitment more than me being alone long term and they had a point. But frankly, putting the energy into another long term r, was NOT the first thing on my list.
I have never seen it as a healthy sign, when an LBSer quickly wants a new r to begin.
To me, it reeks of neediness and is often part of why their first m's ended OR b/c they didn't want to know what their role was.
One guy actually told me his marriage of 25 years ended "totally" b/c of his wife. He said she was the 'SOLE reason their m ended, you can ask anybody"...
I mean, who says that? Worse, who believes it?
The men I met who had recently divorced or sep, and wanted to date ME then,
were just NOT ready, imo. Some of them were clingy and cynical or controlling, sometimes all at once. Many of them critisized their ex wives and that was always a concern. (=No insights on their ends?)
One thing I hope you realize is that dating OPs may actually make you miss your spouse MORE, not less. And that can happen with your spouse too.
For instance, meeting OMs often made me miss my h's education more b/c many men I met were simply not well informed or interested in current events or other cultures, etc.
My h is an interesting and interestED man. We have things in common. Meeting OMs reminded me of that. Same with my h's being in good physical shape.
I like feeling like the female of the species, and small men, or obese men, were reminders of that. So if your w meets some OM, it does not always mean you lose by comparison. And YOU control more of that then you may realize.
Anyhow, I hope this helps a little.
Hey All!!! This is much different from your other posts 25. I don’t believe I've seen this side of you very often. It’s nice to learn what you went through, as bitter sweet as it might be. I must say, you practice what you preach. Most of your post is very solution oriented. I like your idea, I should write a list of temporary or permanent upsides of W being gone. Haaa, that sounded funny but I think it would be an excellent exercise. Hell, what better time then now. BTW, I hope I am not badmouthing my W to much. I am also unsure if I am on the right track but I will give it a go.
I don’t need to worry about her rejection anymore, she’s already left. No more stressing about our lackluster sex life because she’s definitely not giving it to me now. I have a lot more freedom to do what I want and when I want. I have been forced to look in the mirror, that’s a huge upside because I wouldn't have done that unless she was gone. I don’t have to be a pleaser anymore because she’s gone. She used to affect my self-confidence. Now that she’s gone I feel I have more control over it. Since she's gone, SOME of my jealousy issues have vanished. I can blast my music as loud as I want!! I am able to hang my swordfish in the living room. I can eat bacon whenever I want.
I started writing this list so I could see the benefits or the upside. I am noticing some of my flaws instead. This is messed up. ___________________________ Me:38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
LOL! I think that that is a good exercise. It is always good to appreciate the lives that we have NOW. Also, those are some things that maybe you need in future R's... whether or not it is with your W. Something to consider.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Glad your learning turtle. As you probably know, that's what a lot of this is about. But we cant stop at the learning part because doing the hard work is another HUGE piece. I often need to remind myself of this.
One other thing turtle. I think most of this thread applies regardless if you’re a man or women, which has me thinking about something else. 25 shared an interesting piece of information with me. Well, it’s all interesting but you get my point. Generally speaking, there’s several common denominators that we look for in our husband or wife. Men look for a good looking W and a woman that won’t rock the boat (keeps the peace in the house). Women look for a man that provides security, both financial and physical, women are security seeking creatures. Trust is also huge on her list. I know I am coming out of right field but that's my 2 cents.
. Hope you had a great weekend mate!