Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

Update...

I've started this post several times, but have been unable to complete it. Not really sure why...nothing sounds "right."

When XH (under the advisement of new GF) nixed the idea of leasing our house (even though I had his permission to do so AND had found a stable leaser) - I basically just threw my hands up in the air and said then you take care of it. I moved out of the house and now have a small, 1 bedroom apt with a water view. When I moved - I left key and have had no correspondence - which is exactly what I want.

I am, for the first time in my almost 50 years, living completely alone. It is quiet. Sometimes, it is unnerving. It is frightening and sometimes freeing. This move is providing me a very good venue for healing. Finally..

I feel as though I am finally able to put words to this loss - to these feelings. I recognize that I am no where near the person I once was. Before, I was always "up". I could see the good in everything and never really let much get me down. Nothing took me down so low because I had my life as a wife and a mother. I always felt more competent at work because I felt a perspective of where I recognized that my most important pieces were in place at home. Today, I have an empty nest and am a left-behind, disposed-of wife. As a result, my capacity for joy is severly diminished. My perspective is distorted. I recognize now that my kids see me as changed. I am angry that I haven't been stronger to not let the events influence me this way. There is this "hole" in my gut, soul. It's been there for a long time but now I am able to put words in place to describe it. I want to believe I can heal but I am full of doubts.

This weekend, my middle D and I traveled to see my son at school 5 hours away. We took him to the grocery, cleaned his apartment. I found myself tearing up several times though because I am not sharing these moments with his father.

I am struggling as well because the further away I get from the events at the end of the marriage - the sicker I get at what complete disgusting behaviors I was exposed to. How could someone - anyone - do those things to someone you had ANY feelings for? There are no answers for these questions but I feel like I'm looking for resolution.

At the end of the day, almost everyday, I am okay. That's it - okay. Is it enough? It has to be right now. But I want so much more...