Wife lost in the MLC-We are now separated

[DaddyLongShanks]

Can someone please explain to me why some MLC will be extremely nice and feel they need to continually ask questions like "Don't you see I'm here to support you" or "I really love you and I am so sorry that you're going through all of this pain"? But the very next statement is that they want to be separated and then come back with the "I feel there is someone I can love more". WTF!!

I feel like I've been on the roller coaster from hell. One minute I feel life and the next minute I feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach.

Another thing why is the MLC person is smug and arrogant. Is it because they know the LBS is the one who is on pins and needles? It is almost as if they know they are in control of your emotions and laughing as they stomp all over them at their whim.

THat strained and stressed feeling around the wone who betrayed you is very normal. Do not think you are weak because of it. FOr you not to have the feeling you would literally "not care" about her, and even then your brain my trigger on her image as being your former wife/support/booster... And now it's flipped on you. Nothing you can do but detach and stay away from her, don't communicate to her or anyone who has been turned.

Her recent actions may allow her to fall into a spot which is good for you, so maybe you should see.

[MrBond]

Did you read DR?

Do the research on MLC. Bottom line is that they are unsure of themselves and tend to take out their frustrations out on the spouse.

[Cadet]

Can someone please explain to me why some MLC will be extremely nice and feel they need to continually ask questions like "Don't you see I'm here to support you" or "I really love you and I am so sorry that you're going through all of this pain"? But the very next statement is that they want to be separated and then come back with the "I feel there is someone I can love more". WTF!!

CONFUSION = MLC

The other reason is CONTROL.
They need to be in CONTROL.

[job]

Sam,
As others have pointed out, the mlcer wants and craves control over everything and every body, and yet, they really have no control over themselves or their emotions. During mlc, depression hits them hard and their emotions are what drives them as well. This is an "emotional" journey for them and when they are this way, you can't reason w/them. That's why we advise everyone to step back and allow them blow in the wind. If you do this, they can only fight w/themselves until their fire has burned out.

Sure she's nice and wants to support you, blah, blah, blah. This is all fine and good, but her guilt is eating her up and yes, she wants to look good in the eyes of others. They do not like to look like the bad person to others. Like a moth, when they get too close to the flame, they will flit away. When she allows herself to feel too comfortable and the loving feeling returns just a bit, that is when she backs off and says the things she does about loving someone else.

This is difficult, but you can't take what she says personally. She's lashing out at you because she thinks you are the reason she is so unhappy...it's not. She is very confused and you can't allow her to control you, your emotions or your actions. Learn to detach more and go on w/your life. She needs time and space to grow up.

[ericmsant2]

Sam,

Not much more to add...except...Ready Snodderly post several times. Allow it to sink in.

Now...stand at attention and repeat after me...

I am not the cause of her MLC

I am not the cause of her unhappiness

I need to take care of me

I need to heal myself

I need to detach

I need to GAL (get a life)

I need to remind myself that an alien has taken over my W

I need to not take it personal

I need to focus on my happiness and emotional well being

Oh...and

I need to read snodderly post to me as well as all of the MLC resourcs. I need to read them often.

God Bless,
Eric

[sam4nh]

So I thought things would be settling down after I got back from my moms funeral....I was wrong!

Since I work over an hour away, my W has graciously volunteered to stop by the house and feed our dogs. I was/am concerned about this since, she seems to really be "involved" with with the house/dogs and coming and going as she wants. I setup a boundry of she must let me know and I must acknowledge her when she is coming over to the house. On Sunday I knew she was coming over but she did not knock and just come into the house like she still lived there. I guess I need to define the boundry that she must let me know/acknowledge and that she must knock on the door before just entering.

Tonight, she came over to feed the dogs. I got a call that asked me to please call her immediately. I called about 30 minutes later and she was crying and upset. It seems that she found a picture frame that I broke (yes intentionally) the day she moved out in early October. I forgot all about it and left it in one of the bedrooms. I had taken several of the pictures out of the frame and left them on a desk. We had other pictures from our wedding and so forth that I had put away since I really didn't want to be reminded daily that she left me. I did not destroy them, but I see no reason to have daily reminders of our marriage and that she no longer wants to be in my life.

She was extremely upset and screeming at me that I had better not have thrown away the things and she wanted them and I needed to give them to her. Her family gave them to her and I really don't want to keep these from her.

I know that destroying the picture frame was very childish and immature. She did not ask me when I broke the frame and removed the pictures and although it was not the right thing to do, I was extremely upset the day she moved out and this was in my direct sight and I broke it.

Thougths????

[sam4nh]

W just texted - "I am sorry I got upset - I just didn't expect you to take down any rememberance of us"...WHAT?? Let me see, you want a separation/divorce and you're upset with me because I don't want daily reminders..Yeah I thought it, but I did not text anything back to set her off more as I don't think it would help anything.

I also did not make a point of saying anything like look I removed everything..I just did it because it hurt so bad to see them every day.

[Soul.Searching]

I really have no advice. How confusing. Try not to let it play with your emotions too much.

[job]

Sam,
You are only human and I understand why you took the photos down and stored the reminders away. Why should you be reminded every minute of every day of what you had and she tossed aside? No, you did the right thing for YOU! As for the frame, things happen and I would rather see you break it, than do harm to yourself.

Your wife is very confused and really doesn't know what she wants. She hasn't come to realize that there are consequences to their actions and one of them is packing up momentos that "hurt" us when we view them. Mlcers expect us to be right where they left us when they board the Mother Ship. It doesn't happen that way.

If she should mention wanting them again, give her the boxes of stuff and let her take them to her place. She may never unpack them, but at least she would have memories of her past to reflect upon one day.

Keep to your boundaries. She still is looking for you to be her safety net, i.e., just like a child learning to walk...a parent is there to pick her up if she should fall.

Sam, turn the focus back on you. I know it's difficult, but she really is trying to grow up and the only way to do that is to allow her to see what some of her actions have created. Don't beat yourself up....I did the same thing, i.e., removed momentos that reminded of "us".

Take care of yourself.

[sam4nh]

@snodderly - I am trying to keep boundries. One would be that she can only enter the house if I know and acknowledge. I'm also going to ask that if she knows I'm home that she must knock on the door instead of just walking into the house. Another is that she's given a house key to one of her friends that sometimes comes to feed/let the dogs out. I've asked that this stop immediatly and that this friend not enter the house.

One of the biggest pieces of confusion is that she wants to be friends, hang out, give hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. The other night after we had dinner, she said, "I want you to know that you can call/text me and we can do something together". It feels weird, but right now I sometimes don't want to talk to her.

I'm feel like just packing my bags and running too. But as I see it, I have responsibilities and that is not something I can just do.

Right now she's still very upset that I did not text her back from last night when she texted "I am sorry I got upset - I just didn't expect you to take down any rememberance of us"...and now she is pushing to meet this week to review the household/money agreement we put together.

Last week we discussed and I said that prior to my edits it appeared to be one sided and vague. She was somewhat upset, but I think she understood maybe??? This seems to be in direct response to her being in her mind "hurt", so now she must "hurt/push" me to get what she wants. Like you said, a teenager...Rebelling!