Hi NLW. I saw your post on Ali's thread and stopped by to check on you. I read parts of your last thread and this one, so there's some big gaps in what I know of your sitch, but figured I'd throw my own 2 cents in anyways.
The WAH has to believe everything will be better after the D, otherwise everything they are doing is just a waste. When things surrounding the S/D don't go as planned, it challenges their world view and throws them into a spin. They last out, and it's not pretty.
Don't interfere with his relationship with the kids, that's his problem. Give them love and support, but don't get involved directly.
Staying out of it is doing something, it is letting him reap the consequences of his actions.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
My problem is that D16 has steadfastly refused counselling over the last 8 months or so. To the point of getting semi-hysterical every time i mention the possibility.
Looking back, I think both kids twigged early on that stbx was involved with our former family friend (OW).
Unfortunately, OW is a relationship/child counsellor herself.
She got into the field because of her very twisted relationship with her own father, who D-ed her mother when OW was in her teens. Her father is a prominent medico around our town who is notorious for being a philanderer - typically stringing along several women at one time - all of whom believe they are his 'partner'.
OW, in her 30s and now D-ed herself and with no children, still takes all her vacations with her father - they travel overseas together around 2-3 times a year (very weird). She is 'daddy's girl'.
Just before bomb drop, OW took out a full-page ad in D16's school year-book, advertising her services as a child counsellor. It was particularly bad that D16's design was chosen as the cover of the yearbook and she was awarded a prize for it. OW's ad sits prominently on the first page of 'D16's' book.
I don't believe this ad was placed accidentally. OW has been driving stbx's exit from our marriage over several of the last years and has tried, indirectly, to reveal her relationship with my H at every step of the way.
I think D16's aversion to counsellors stems from her feeling that her own father's abandonment is linked to this woman. She has no trust in them at all.
Sometimes i can't believe the weirdness and complexity of my own sitch. This is all just too much to be true.
AS, Thank you for this detailed response. it's helped me a great deal to hear what you think of stbx's actions.
He is so resolute the he is doing the right thing that sometimes I start to doubt myself.
He seems to have developed a real problem with anyone who will not do exactly as he says. He makes up his mind about how things should be, and that is that. Everyone has to fall in line.
This is what he demonises me for ("You won't listen to me"), so I am afraid that he might turn on the kids now that they are showing their resistance, too.
When he picked them up from school on Fri afternoon, he tried again to take them to a cafe. They refused again. Apparently he got very angry at them after arguing that they should come with him. He ended up dropping them in the driveway of our home and refusing to come in (as is his normal practice). Just stormed off.
No contact from him on Saturday, but then at 9pm, both kids get a text that says: "Love you. Miss you".
We were sitting watching TV. They each just said to me: "Daddy texted me and said ..." and threw down their phones. They did not reply. And for once, I didn't try to persuade them to.
So sorry to hear that you went through such pain as a teen.
I try to imagine how it must hurt to have this happen as a child, but it's hard to know - especially when they keep saying they are fine.
Be proud of your kids. They have the right instinct and see through the hypocrisy of H. Judging from their responses they will do fine without counseling. The last thing they would need is a session with a C like OW.
Thanks so much for your post - it helps me greatly to know that someone else has been through similar things, and you are always so kind and supportive.
You make me feel less like I am going mad!
I hope things are going Ok for you - will pop over to your thread and have a look.
Hi k_g, thanks for your kind support. I struggle a lot in dealing with my D16 in particular.
She is SO difficult - and absolutely refuses to admit that she cares a jot about what is going on in our sitch.
She is angry, oppositional and refuses to contribute in any way around the house. She knows just how to press my buttons and does so at every opportunity.
Good practice for me in exercising patience and compassion, but sometimes I still lose it. I do need to remember to take care of myself as this will help me in taking care of them. Oxygen mask on the adult first!
Michelle, Wow, thanks for looking in on me. I feel like I know you a little from all the reading and re-reading I've done on Ali's threads. I feel amazed at the depth of support there is on this site.
Your advice about 'everything being better after the D' makes sense! so simple really.. I don't know why I keep getting bamboozled by what stbx says.
And you're right, he is in a lashing-out phase at the moment.
Glad to know too that i should keep on staying out of his interactions with the kids.
Sometimes I waiver - thinking that i should encourage them to contact him, etc. But this is just pursuit by proxy I suppose. Fuelled by my fear that he will replace the kids with a new family that he creates in retaliation by getting OW pregnant.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't really know what to say other than I too am struggling with the idea of a d. My coach pointed out that it is actually a 180 for me to fill out the paperwork since my w knows I don't want to. Not saying that that is what you should do. I am saying that we do have to let them work this out on their own, make their own mistakes. That is how we learn.
Good luck
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
He is so resolute the he is doing the right thing that sometimes I start to doubt myself.
You don't have to agree with him. Just because you can't control him doesn't mean you can't have your own goals here. Just make sure you are also clear on your own boundaries
Originally Posted By: NLW
He seems to have developed a real problem with anyone who will not do exactly as he says. He makes up his mind about how things should be, and that is that. Everyone has to fall in line.
Yes, pretty typical. Then they act like a 2 year old when reality doesn't cooperate.
Originally Posted By: NLW
He ended up dropping them in the driveway of our home and refusing to come in (as is his normal practice). Just stormed off.
LOL yep, 2 year old!
Originally Posted By: NLW
We were sitting watching TV. They each just said to me: "Daddy texted me and said ..." and threw down their phones. They did not reply. And for once, I didn't try to persuade them to.
It's not your job to force them/him to have a relationship, nor to fix the relationship they do have. Your only job is to support your kids and work for their best interests regardless of what else is going on. They just need to know is that they are loved and supported and that it's okay to be confused or feel hurt or angry.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
