Just checking in. Feeling stressed about money. College visits, senior pictures, my phone died, need a car, cat needs to get fixed, mortgage...
A bit disappointed I didn't hear from H. Thought maybe I would get a text, but shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. D18 is really missing him. I'm choosing to support her but stay out of their relationship.
Heard my FIL hung up on H when FIL was in the hospital for a bronchial infection for six days. H called and didn't take anything seriously--FIL was hurt and cut conversation short. Everyone seems hurt or mad at H right now.
I will just keep on, keeping on... Need to come up with more income.
Haven't texted today.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just a quick check in. I advertised for some more students today. The cleaning lady cleaned!!!! Yay!!! I took that time to write up some ads and post them on local homeschooling/asperger forums.
I had an afternoon free which is really weird on a Monday and enjoyed it by taking a nap. I received the book "Private Lies" but don't feel ready to jump into it. The parts about a romantic affair and how INFatuated H may feel--just not in a good place today to go there.
Had a few moments of sad today--this afternoon when my student left and D10 and I were alone.
Still scared about money, doesn't look like I will be able to pay the mortgage this month---but have a 10,000 stock check coming in November--hopefully November. The house is in H's name and I've noticed he's getting quite a few credit card/loan offers of late.
Maybe one late payment will put a stop to that. Don't want drug abusing, grass ho, MLC H to have any opportunity to put some stupid, big a$$ thing on credit.
Still, I'm somehow trusting that I, yes ME, will figure it out! Feels a little Weird. SOOOOOOOO weird trusting myself to figure out how to bring in more money.
Have this floating anxiety that another bomb will drop any moment. Haven't had any drama from H in a few weeks and I keep expecting to hear that he introduced the OW to his parents or was at some party down the street OR... But, I can't control it. What I've noticed for me, with each super dramatic REVEAL, I've felt awful at first, but once the reality and not the drama of the event sunk in, I was OK. I mean when I saw OW and H together, it hurt like hell... especially when they were whispering under the hood of the car as if THEY were married... BUT, once it settled in, I realized I didn't learn anything I didn't already know and I was able to sort out my panic from reality. It's like I react with the pain and hurt of a child...but once it subsides some, the grown up me is able to look at it with some perspective. Still hurts though and I guess that's what I'm afraid of ultimately, getting hurt again.
One Day at a Time.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, One step at a time, one day at a time. Do not try to look too far into the future. Keep your focus on the present. The future can change at any time.
Private Lies is a good book, however, in the way that the mind of an mlcer works, I didn't find the book that helpful. The book is written for those "normal" people out here having affairs, etc.
I'm glad to see that you've been busy posting some ads today. Keep at it...when you least expect it, someone will respond.
Oh, I remember that floating feeling of anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. I finally got a rubberband and placed it on my wrist and every time I thought about it, I snapped it. The sting brought me back to the here and now.
Keep the focus on you and your family. Live your life as if he were never coming back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maybe I will send the book back. I can see my Dad in the whole Romantic Affair thing--but not so much my husband and what is suggested only makes me queasy if it's accurate.
Thanks. Heatehr
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I understand how you're feeling. We all have those moments. It's hard not to miss our M, and miss the H that we knew and loved.
But now that our H's have been kidnapped by invasion of the body snatchers, we can't expect the alien to be our H. They may look the same, but they are not the same. Not even close.
Instead of thinking about what H may be thinking or feeling about you, try to think about all the other people in your life that love and care about you.
I know I now have a much deeper appreciation for my family and friends, and for that, I am very grateful for.
You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. Hang in there
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Can't sleep. I have no idea why but everything from the past 9 months is running through my head. Horrible, horrible moments. I keep seeing these images of me screaming at him after I found the two of them together. Seeing his truck parked at her apt with D10 in the car with me. Was she at our house when we went out of town? Did she go through my things and walk around our home? I see me telling him horrible things about how he looked and how stupid he was... Then, I think of the two of them together, right now.
Tired of fighting the thoughts, so I'm up for now. I've been sleeping so much better to. Not sure why tonight. Maybe stress about money and feeling so distant from him and the girls really missing him as Halloween and the holidays approach.
What if he hurts himself, what if he drives his truck into a tree while he's drunk, what if he marries her? What if...
Heather
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
1) Don't borrow trouble! Worrying about "what ifs" is a waste of time - half of them won't ever happen (so your worry is wasted) and you can't prevent the ones that will.
2) Would you rent a really really bad movie (like Gigli, or some slasher flick) and watch it over and over and over again? Of course not. So why keep "watching" these horrible memories and imagined scenes in your mind? Imagine a big red STOP sign whenever this happens. Resolve to turn off the rotten film and replace it with a "good movie" - perhaps some lovely fantasy of your ideal future, or a dalliance with Brad Pitt, or whatever floats your boat.
Never thought of it that way, like a bad movie. It is a really bad movie!
OK. So, now I'm picturing myself in a little English village somewhere in the Cotswalds. I think I live with Miss Marple or maybe I'm a character in a Rosamund Pilcher novel. I have the Aga stove I've always wanted, a thatched roof and a beautiful rose garden. I'm sitting by a roaring fire in a comfy, old chair. Miss Marple is making me some tea. Ok, OK... I can do this. Maybe this is why God gave me this bizarre imagination!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
