A New Week... A New Opportunity...

[AlkalineThoughts]

A little journaling this Monday morning:

Had a pretty great weekend in Central Florida (I'm actually still here, leaving this afternoon for home). It was nice seeing old friends and family, had a great time on Saturday night at an early Halloween party and got to watch the games with a bunch of old buddies yesterday.

My normal level of melancholy that accompanies trips to this part of the state is here, but not as pronounced as it was last time. Plenty of things, people and places around here make me think of and miss W. I know that's to be expected.

It does feel strange knowing that she's only a few minutes from where I've been staying all weekend and being "unable" to see her.

But that's okay. As I'm getting better at remembering, I'm going to be fine, she knows where I stand, and she is respecting my boundaries. But more importantly, although the sting is still here after a GALing weekend in "her" neck of the woods, It's not as vivid as it used to be.

The bad news is I ate enough to choke a horse this weekend, so I'll have to be extra diligent at the gym this week!

So now I'll get some work done and head back home. I'll try to keep the melancholy at bay and I'll try to keep remembering that I'm making progress on ME, no matter what might (or might not) be going on with the sitch...

I hope all my fellow DBers had at least as good a weekend as I did. I pretty much stayed off these boards all weekend, so I'll have some catching up to do.

[AlkalineThoughts]

It's funny how a little thing can set back a flood of emotions... I'm sitting here in my sister's house, waiting for my next meeting to start when I noticed something I hadn't seen all weekend. Tucked away in a corner is a picture of me, my W, and the rest of my brothers and sisters (and their significant others). We're all smiling SO brightly as we're getting ready to attend a sporting event which we make an annual pilgrimage to see.

Seeing that picture made my heart skip a beat... I must have stared at it for a few minutes before snapping out of it...

So I came back to my PC to write this... venting I suppose... Or just wanting to write out, once again, about how I miss W and wish I could be doing more to move the sitch along.

This darkness stuff can be hard! I'm sure the urge to reach out will fade as the day moves along. And the wanting of her to reach out to me... well that'll stick around for a while.. but I think that's normal.

I know I need to expect that this darkness will be prolonged. When I GAL and keep busy, It's much easier to deal with. But in these moments of waiting, the darkness feels... well darker!

I guess "This too Shall Pass" is appropriate here...

[Arsene]

Yep, I imagine that with everyday that passes these episodes of nostalgia will occur less and less often to the point where they are just as important in our lives as an old friend we haven't been in touch with over the last few years.

I guess it's all p to us. I know that I, for one, am not rushing to reach this moment of peace which seems so tempting at times. But I'm sure I'll get there as well.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Yeah Arsene... They're already happening a little less often, but when they do, they seem st sting a little harder than usual. I think it has something to do with the progress we make...

These episodes put our "new" lives in perspective AGAINST our "old" lives.

In all honesty, I'm in no rush to reach the moment of peace you refer to. These episodes of sadness, longing and melancholy at the very least remind me of how important all the work I'm trying to do is. They remind me of the things that happened to get me to the point that I find myself in and serve as great reminders of how badly I need to make sure I don't set myself up to be in this place again in any future relationship, especially one with W.

I know I'm a long way from my goals... I'm a long way from piecing, and I'm a long way from being content. But I know I've come a long way, and there's plenty to be said for that. Progress is measured a step at a time, and I don't feel like any of these episodes of sadness and longing for W hinder my ability to continue making strides.

[chatterbug]

It's funny how a little thing can set back a flood of emotions... I'm sitting here in my sister's house, waiting for my next meeting to start when I noticed something I hadn't seen all weekend. Tucked away in a corner is a picture of me, my W, and the rest of my brothers and sisters (and their significant others). We're all smiling SO brightly as we're getting ready to attend a sporting event which we make an annual pilgrimage to see.

Seeing that picture made my heart skip a beat... I must have stared at it for a few minutes before snapping out of it...

So I came back to my PC to write this... venting I suppose... Or just wanting to write out, once again, about how I miss W and wish I could be doing more to move the sitch along.

This darkness stuff can be hard! I'm sure the urge to reach out will fade as the day moves along. And the wanting of her to reach out to me... well that'll stick around for a while.. but I think that's normal.

I know I need to expect that this darkness will be prolonged. When I GAL and keep busy, It's much easier to deal with. But in these moments of waiting, the darkness feels... well darker!

I guess "This too Shall Pass" is appropriate here...

Maybe ? Has not for me 100% And if you look back I am sure you can think of other pictures that trigger some memories.

[AlkalineThoughts]

You're very right about that Chatter... There's always balance if I look for it, and I'm glad you're here to help me with that!

[AlkalineThoughts]

Okay, I'm finally back at home. And for the first time EVER, my puppy made it the entire ride without getting sick!

It's the little things!

I spent a good amount of time on the way home just kinda staring off into the horizon, deep in though... no music... no distractions... (I wasn't driving by the way!) kinda taking an inventory of me today vs me 5 months ago.

I feel it was a good experience, and it definitely helped me to get back to the mindset I need to be in.

I also realized that I haven't been setting too many long term goals outside of my sitch... I mean I have the obvious goal of reconciliation and building anew, but I can only do 50% of the work there...

I realized that I'm still in the house that W and I shared during our M... going month to month because I didn't want to commit to another lease in case the sitch changes. I think that needs to stop now... It's keeping me in a state of semi-limbo... I know I can find another place that's less expensive than this one... maybe even one that has a bigger yard for my little pup.

I also realized that, once melancholy started setting in, I glazed over a few great things that happened this weekend. I made several new friends at the party I went to and had literally hours upon hours of fantastic conversations... none of which involved my sitch! That was a hell of a relief.

Then, yesterday at the bar, when a friend who I haven't discussed the sitch with asked about it, I was able to talk in generalities about the progress I've made, my goals and actions... and for the first time, I got a "Wow, you seem really strong in this... I admire your conviction" That made me feel pretty good.

So all that reflection helped even me out a bit... I'm getting better at correcting these "tailspins". Now, I can just miss my W without beating myself up over things I should have or shouldn't have done or said... I can see that I've always tried my hardest, and now I'm getting a better set of tools to use now and in the future.

There's still a part of me, which I never think will go away, that says I should reach out just to say hello. To check in and let her know I'm thinking of her... But I know she knows that... and hell, if she doesn't realize I'm thinking of her and missing her, then she's way further down the path than I realized!

Thanks for reading my random musings. And thanks to each of you who help hold me up through these times.

[eyesopen]

AT,

I have spoken with a few people that have told me similar things as far as being strong. Most of them have said how pissed off they woud be and how they didn't think they could stay on the high road. It does help the self-esteem to hear those things and adds a little conviction as to what we are trying to do.

Don't beat yourself up over what you could have done or said, as long as you are not giving her more reasons to stay away. None of us are perfect. I look at Denver and how he seems to have such a grasp on all of this, but it still took 16 months, and being ready to file.

Stay strong

[Denver_2010]

I look at Denver and how he seems to have such a grasp on all of this, but it still took 16 months, and being ready to file.

I don't know about all of that! LOL! I know more than I did when I first came here. That's for sure!

I also know that it is much easier giving advice than it is to take it. Much easier to see things clearly in others' situations than it was, or is, in my own.

I think that those were some good conclusions that you came to this weekend AT. You're moving forward (not on... forward) and that's good.

[AKHope]

Hi AT-

I saw your posts today and I need to offer something up to you (and Arsene)

The sense of melancholy. Nostalgia. Speaking of "not piecing yet". And Arsene's comment comparing the nostalgia "for a good friend you haven't seen in years"

I know Denver and some other 'old-tinmers' can helpme flesh this out and run with the topic.

DROP THE ROPE

All of the things you talk about are "the rope". You are holding onto something that is gone. Dead. Over. And YOU have to let go of the rope. It ties you to her; your old habits and tendencies. You know, what got you HERE.

Piecing? Glad you brought that up. (Cue Denver) Until you completely abandon your M, you have ZERO chance for reconciliation. Not your commitment; just the M as it was. ALL of it!

Your NEXT relationship (or marriage) to WHOMEVER life presents to you, will HAVE to be completely different and NEW.
And you have to view the "target" of these efforts as "someone" (not your W)

Nostalgia for an old friend? How about a friend that abandoned his wife for an affair? Or, an old friend that slept with your wife? What in the world is there to be nostalgic about?

You and Arsene both indicate there are OM/confirmed PA's!!

I am being extremely blunt for a reason. Your lives are at stake here. The longer you think about THEN rather than NOW and/or view the future, the longer YOU (and your kids, friends and family to varying degrees) suffer the dreaded LIMBO!!

It is not pretty. I really don't want to see similar posts from you in 8 months but until you free yourself and change your perspective on then and now and the future as having her in it, your going to continue to paddle fruiutlessly in this river.

It's a strong river and there is NO going back upstream. Hard damn work to stay in place.

Denver knows exactly what this means.

I appreciate the journalling but you need to be doing something with it. Pointing out how unhealthy the romanticism is would be a great starting point.

Furthermore, and I know of many here who lived it, SHE won't have any sense of urgency nor decisions to finally make UNTIL you move forward with the life that WILL happen without her. That is the thing that clicks in them. The only thing.

You can't tell her. You can't fake it.

You have to LIVE it.