A month ago I came home from my brothers wedding and discovered text messages on my wife's phone that led her to admit an affair. She told me that she had "deep feelings" for this person (a co-worker who she works very closely with). I was packing my things to go to a hotel and cool off when she announced she would leave. I was so blindsided that I literally shook all night... absolute shock.

The next day, no contact. She didn't come back. A mutual friend told me that she was open to the possibility of reconciliation but did not want to communicate with me outside of a professional (couple therapist) environment. A few days later, in therapy, she had myriad complaints about our marriage which were largely a surprise to me. I really saw our marriage as a pretty happy one (together for 19 yrs, married 9, no kids). She's 38 and I'm 39.

Since then, she has gotten an apartment that she claims only she knows where it is. She stated in therapy that she would suspend the affair while we worked with the therapist. Meanwhile, she works with the affair partner all day, everyday. When I asked her how long she would be living outside of the house, she told me "a few months at least" which was devastating. I'd imagined this thing to be a fling followed by a blow up that we'd work through. In the same conversation, she dropped the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bomb and said of the affair partner that she felt she could "really talk to him" and "never knew it could be this way". She's also said other classic MLC things like "i feel like my life is half over" and "it feels like a veil has been lifted and i see things clearly now" (despite constantly claiming to be confused).

She also admitted to secretively using contraceptives to avoid getting pregnant after she told me she wanted to try to get pregnant (and we were trying, or so I though). I wonder if it was what triggered her crisis.

Its been about 4 weeks now. I've tried to give her space (not calling her, texting her, etc) but its been hard - especially at night. All of our friends are mutual, so I'm not comfortable hanging out with them to pass time. I've been trying to put up a good facade - cooking, being upbeat, claiming to be going out, etc.

We are both seeing individual therapists as well as a couples therapist. In the last week she has seemingly increased her resistance though, saying she may abandon her individual therapist and also saying she might not continue with couples therapy. Her individual therapist did mention MLC to her as well as recommending the "not just friends" book, so I worry she is getting pressure that doesn't align with her MLC and will run. She has always run from conflict.

There are some things that seem outside of the MLC norm from what I've read:

1. she's read every book that I've suggested, including "getting the love you want", "not just friends", and she's ordered "getting past the affair". she almost seems eager for information.

2. she has been coming to the house twice a week. it started as talking about the relationship but last week i made dinner and suggested we not talk about the relationship and she seemed receptive to that.

3. the other day she came to the house before i got home and did a bunch of chores (like putting bikes away for the winter, cleaning some things, etc). struck me as really strange behavior - arranging deck chairs on the titanic.

4. she has been "gifting" since the affair. money, my favorite coffee, or chocolate, etc.

This has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and we've gone through some incredible hardships in the last 6 years (lost multiple friends in tragic circumstances). Is she in MLC? What should I be doing/looking for?