Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

Journaling...

It seems like the hot topic going around on the boards is fear.
One of the most important pieces of advice I have received has been to face my fears and determine how they affect my behavior.

I know what they are and I believe I have "managed" a few of them, but some others are still lurking, hitting me when I least expect it and I still have not found the antidote for them. So I want to journal on those main fears, just as an exercise for myself.

My greatest fear...that I cannot change. I know I have made some improvements, but my biggest challenges are still there - my anger and my short fuse. They don't come out with H anymore, I don't act out, yet there are still a lot of triggers and issues that cause resentment and anger. I try to deal with them as related to H, but they still come out in other relationships. I have to dig deeper and deal with the issues in other key relationships, so I know I still have a long way to go. I know that as long as I don't deal with the underlying issues, the anger will be there and I will have no chance with H or with any other R in my life.

I try to remind myself that this is a life-long process and that I cannot tackle everything and everyone at once. Yet time passes by and things need to change, I am not getting younger and the opportunities I have to mend certain R are there now and might not be tomorrow. I feel the pressure and know the importance of visible, substantial improvements in the short term.

My fear of not changing also relates to my H who has now changed for the better. When he first left he was depressed, but now he is happier than the last few years we were together. He is back to being the jovial guy I met, yet not with me and not for me. He is attentive, loving, generous, caring, fun - both with our kids and with OW. He is the most amazing father and I know he is a great partner and lover with OW.

I see him and I cannot help feel sad - that was the H I met, the H I missed for so many years, the H I yearned to reconnect with for many years. I made him so unhappy, he stopped being that wonderful person and I was not aware or able to make him happy again, another woman did. For this reason, I think only a miracle would make him ever reconsider coming back to me and this thought makes me sad and angry. When I see him doing so well, I find it hard to forgive myself.

I also fear that I will not get over my H. That I will continue loving him, remain stuck and not be able to move on with my life. I know I will be ok if he doesn't come back. I know I will be a good mom and will make my kids happy. I know that I will be independent and thrive in other areas of my life. Yet in terms of having a romantic R with another man, I need to get over H. I know the great man he is, the wonderful man I hurt and didn't appreciate and have now lost. I am afraid to remain stuck and become the bitter, sad, depressed and angry ex, while he has moved on and found happiness with OW.

I am also afraid that OW will be better than me and replace me with my children. I'd love to say that she is a b!tch, or crazy, or 25 years younger or older than my H, or immature, or selfish. On the contrary, she is a great mom, an independent woman, accomplished and most of all, happy, full of life and love for all around her. Those are all the things I didn't give my H for many years... the things he needed from me. I know she will be a good step-mom, a great step-mom for my kids. I have had a haunch from the get go that she would be huge in my H's life and if I know him, he will marry her. Ironically she is very similar to me in many ways and I know she fulfills his needs very well and they compliment each other well. No chance for me...

I fear that if I cannot change and become as happy, full of life and loving as she is, my kids will become closer to her. I can honestly see that happening. I know the time that I will finally meet her in person is coming very soon - H has warned me that she will start attending kids' activities and I am terrified. Terrified of my reaction, of not comparing well, of her looking better, acting happier, being nicer...

I know it's totally up to me, but changing has been so hard for me. I have all the best intentions, conviction and I don't give up, but the results are just not where I would want them to be. On the other hand, I fear that even if I change, I will never be that super happy, bubbly extrovert person she is. That is just not my personality and I don't know that I can become that after all I have gone through and all the scars I carry with me.

I also fear that if my H, who told me I was the love of his life, stopped loving me and left me at my most vulnerable time, at the time when his kids and family needed him the most and when he had the most to lose and leave behind, if he was able to do that and not look back, then what can I expect from another man? Who will want a R with someone with three young children and all the complications of a life with me? And how will I ever be able to trust someone at that level again? Yes, this experience has left a fear of being unlovable and easily discarded.

So there they are... My worst fears. I try hard to counteract them and fight them. I sometimes do well and others not so much. I know where the answers lie - in the hard work I need to do to change myself and my life. Yet at times it is just so hard...