Riding the Bull

[Arsene]

Thanks everyone. I see I'm not the only one who has struggled with this and what you guys have gone through gives me hope that I'll be fine. I'll talk to my doctor in the morning re: a good anti depressant

So far, it seems that the Xanax I've been on has had the opposite effect. I've been feeling more depressed and I've had thoughts I don't feel comfortable bringing up here. Nothing I plan to act on but the mere thought of it troubles me.

I got home from work today and W was here (actually, she was out wit D8). I really didn't feel well. I was sleepy to the point that the drive home was difficult. I skipped dinner and went straight to bed (at 18:00). By the time W got home, she was concerned and came in to see if I was ok. My answers were very short. I just said I wasn't feeling well and she offered to give me a massage.

I didn't reply and she came in the room with oil and gave me a full body massage (I was in my underwear). The lights were off and thank god for that. I was in tears to whole time. It was nothing intimate, just a massage but to feel here hands on me was too much to take.

D8 brought me a nice "get well" card she'd made and that also chocked me up. On the front was a drawing of D8 and me. No sign of our happy family.

I still don't know what to make of my entire sitch but one think I read that 25 has written lately rung a bell. At one point, she realized she'd be ok, even without H and that was a turning point in her. I need to make myself get there.