you are such an understanding and caring person. i hear you about the lighthouse. I decided to be the lighthouse a year ago- - i fall off my "high road" and forget and lose my way. i wish my spouse had your brain & heart. i would be in heaven.

i just felt like honesty was the best policy because i was just there- stuck. - i was calm and pleasant - i don't want to "spew" - i know he's heard everythng i could possibly say - good & bad. i have sworn off any conversations about r m , "it"-ow, you name it.

i feel "abnormal" sometimes and incredulous that he just goes along being the "same" and thinking i am. i feel like a different person - i feel like a fraud - maybe that is what makes me think i need to spell something out. he acts like it is all not there. to me- it is the ONLY thing there- . there is only one thing in life i want to hear from him (probably never will- but you know...) oh well-

this sitch is demanding i be fake - i get the strategy- i've never been good at having strategy and image and being what i'm not. maybe i can tell myself it's a "job" - we all are someone else at work. i'll try it. i'm a very good little doo bee at the office- bosses loved me.

thanks for "letting me off the hook" - i was honest and nice. maybe it could set a boundary - maybe he could know that me talking to him while he's with her or having "that life" is becoming something i cannot do or want to. whichever - does it matter? is that BAD - if he knows i cannot "be" in his life when she is - is that pressure and i'm pushing hinm or pursuing himn???? oh crap- more darn "strategy" intruding & nagging me.

he knows if he calls me on cellphone on a weekend i know it's because he's with her. so he doesn't do it - but then i know because he doesn't call. either way i know. he knows i know.

i didn't want to say "don't talk to me anymore unless you're in my face". but honestly- i have had it to death with phone calls & long distance r, etc. i know it is not the time in life to make any demands, etc. i will not go THERE - . JUST Between us tho- sick - to - death..

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Now, work on if he calls you back!

i have no idea - still cannot imagine what in the WORLD i have to say to him or could chit chat about. i don't even want to hear his voice- i don't want to know he exists - spontaneous amnesia would be okay.

i will not do or say anything commital or big- YOU ARE correct i am not at that place.

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Now, first of don't assume where he's been, why he's calling you, that he does't think anything of your pain. Don't think for him, your probably wrong and just hurting yourself.


you are so right- i do and i do. will try harder to remember pma & quit figuring- one of my biggest problem areas . trying to understand the un-understandable. I still try and figure out if my sister was the person i loved and grew up with- the woman she became or the alcoholic she was. i want to think she was the person i loved - bright- funny- smart- . i just don't know & can't figure it out. anyone

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He is reaching out to you for some reason - were not going to assume, but it's right there, he has been in a very little way reaching out to you recently.


ya really think so? is that what it is ? reaching out? i think it's merely checking to see if i'm still stupidly sitting here waiting for a bone. (how I feel i guess) i will never get this part- the taking a chance on losing me by blatently rubbing my face in ow and ea. his frank admissions & apparent non-concern over possible consequences

i wish i had your faith in the man. i do judge and figure too much. something soooooo AWFUL about knowing he is having fun with her at a very moment i am not having any fun- have nothing in particular to look foward to feel despairing a bit - - - - - - have been thru a year of total HELL. AND NO kidding about that- he seems oblivious.

i will endeavor to recapture my non-hostile detachnment (of a sort) of a day or so ago. weekends do me in. any evidence of ow in my face - sends me into a spin. . i hate this "being human" thing. wish i was a cold and inhuman fish - uh hem - like, you know who seems to be ...

kidding- i see it- me doing exactly wht i just said i would not do-

lots to do- forcing self to keep busy with a vengence. xxo thanks so much for response.