This is very encouraging and I write to both thank those who post success stories and to unburden myself in the company of those who are also going through a spouse's MLC.
Every day I tell myself that in a year or two my marriage can be happy again, provided I stick to my plan (don't take things personally, detach, don't hover, and don't try to "fix" my wife, act with confidence in the future, GAL and support myself, stay calm, don't argue with her, bite my tongue when she speaks to me with contempt or criticism, set some boundaries but be generous and give her space to explore).
If there are encouraging voices on this board I'd love to read your replies, your success stories, share in your experiences.
It's only been 4 months since BD but there was at least a year of MLC and unhappiness prior to that. My wife has suffered childhood emotional abuse and also trauma in college. She is such a great person and we were extremely happy together for over 10 years before mid-life symptoms appeared. I know this is mostly about her and what she's going through. I firmly agree with Michele that we can get through this to the other side, and that ours is a marriage worth saving.
I was by no means a perfect husband and a bit slow to wake up to ways I was not meeting her emotional needs. And I am waking up to ways my own insecurity and fear made me less of the man she needed. But I try not to dwell on these things - if the problems were just about the marriage then changing those things would have made some difference. I am calming myself, working out, working on my self-esteen, learning lots.
I have hope because some marriages on this board have come back from separation, infidelity and worse situations than mine. My wife and I are still together, we each wear our rings. She is mostly confused and shows lots of signs of depression. She spends lots of energy on things to help her feel better (unfortunately this does include a mild EA and a few other occasions of seeking male attention outside the marriage; this has been the toughest thing to deal with). We operate as a family though we are not intimate. I am still "Daddy" and we have family dinner together every night of the week. Once in a while she will approach me for a quick kiss goodbye in the morning. There are lots of ups and downs. Anyone on this board knows the MLC routine. But I press on, with hope.
