I'm sorry for the hi-jack, but I wanted to respond to Lisa concerning authority figure.
Authority figure is any adult, wife, spouse, parents, supervisor, etc., that represents responsibiility and may very well voice a negative opinion or stop the mlcer from doing what he/she wants. You have to remember that your spouse is rebelling and doesn't want to be an adult in the true sense of the word at this time. He's returned back to where he was stunted emotionally, most likely by a parent or both parents. It could even be a teacher or another relative that has done this, but the validation and affirmation were not made available to them at that age.
By telling them how their ctions affect us and make us feel is also telling them what to do or not do. Keep in mind that when dealing w/an mlcer everything is going to be the opposite of what you would have done pre-crisis. If you tell them you don't like something, in their minds, it is perceived as them them not to do it. They hate authority and they hate people telling them what to do....why? Because it is called being responsible and respectful to others....they haven't grown up enough to understood this yet, but as they move along the mlc path, hopefully they will figure it out and be the person you once knew or even better.
The more you point things out to them that are distasteful to them, the more they are going to pull away. It's the push/pull game that we all play at the beginning until we learn to just leave them alone and give them plenty of space to work on themselves.
Just remember, the person you are looking at may be the correct physical body, the being inside isn't at this time. You are dealing with a young child/teenager who needs to find his/herself. It's difficult to visualize this, but it's the only way you'll be able to detach and allow them to figure things out.
Thanks Snodderly. I think that is one of my biggest downfalls. I try to look at things from his perspective when really I don't understand it at all. Even if I did, unless verbalized no one can truly see things from someone's perspective. The hard thing with my H is he never did seem to "grow up" there were moments here and there but they never lasted long.
I guess unless the person is one to communicate, then you never really know them, no matter how close you though/ think you are.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Lisa, You can't rely on just verbal communication, you need to watch the body language and actions do speak louder and truer than words.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not sure my H ever really grew up either. He was sorta Known for his immaturity and teen behavior. I think this depression/MLC? went on and off with him for a really long time. Like he was always fighting growing up. Couldn't help rebelling at me, his parents, responsibility, everything.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and I had the same experience with the moments of maturity here and there. He was just so inconsistent. The periods of maturity lasted longer and longer as he got older, but he was never on an even keel. He would have these rages, depression, bouts of drinking here and there. Then, he'd come back, sometimes better than before. But, there were sooooooo many facets of him. Not just one H all the time... more like a dozen different H's all competing for top dog.
It's like his whole freakin life has been one MLC????
Gawd.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lisa, You can't rely on just verbal communication, you need to watch the body language and actions do speak louder and truer than words.
Yeah I know. But his actions are sooo confusing!!
Originally Posted By: LoisB
Oh, and I had the same experience with the moments of maturity here and there. He was just so inconsistent. The periods of maturity lasted longer and longer as he got older, but he was never on an even keel. He would have these rages, depression, bouts of drinking here and there. Then, he'd come back, sometimes better than before. But, there were sooooooo many facets of him. Not just one H all the time... more like a dozen different H's all competing for top dog.
It's like his whole freakin life has been one MLC????
Gawd.
Heather
That's why I have no idea if it is a MLC cause it really is like his life has been one big on again off again MLC
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Snodderly, look what you have done to my thread! Lol.
Had a brief phone call yesterday evening. H confirmed safe arrival, asked me to email him a couple of phone numbers. I thanked him for letting me know he made it safely and said I would send the numbers.
S19 asked about H's trip, how long he would be gone. I honestly answered that I didn't know. S19 wanted to know why I didn't know - I told him it was because I hadn't asked. There was a bit of a frown, a comment on how S19 thought that was weird and then S19 reasoned H would probably be home by Sunday for football. That ended the discussion, the other kids had no questions beyond "Where's Dad?"
I took yesterday "off" from constructive behavior, yes I was a bum. Today I am making a to do list and have a soccer game to attend
Let's see what the universe has in store for today!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm glad your h phoned to let you know he arrived safe and sound.
Hopefully your children, especially your S19, won't be disappointed if he's not returned by Sunday for football. I also hope that when he returns hope that he'll be a better mood for a bit.
Good for you for takin off yesterday! Sometimes we need a mental health day to just unwind and do little to nothing. List making is good and I hope that you include some fun things on that list for yourself.
Today should be a fairly quiet day for you since you've received your "postcard" from the pod person.
Enjoy!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
a "lovely" tattoo on my D18's stomach. "Do you like it Mom?"
a loss for sectional champ in the soccer game for S16
an email from H postulating our budget to give each of us $100 per month to "spend on ourselves". Sure, as long as we don't buy groceries.
an email from H wanting to know why I was "short" with him on the phone after the soccer game. Truth? Because I didn't want to talk to him AT ALL. For what ever reason the sitch was BOTHERING ME BIG TIME (oh, maybe it was S19 asking if the budget email said to me "I love you and I miss you") I responded to his second email with a flip "Must I remind you I am always short?"
Not impressed universe. Not at all.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
The 2nd email, along with wondering just what in the world would cause me to be "short" with lil' ol' H also mentioned that he had tried and failed to get some answers from his parents regarding his childhood. He said they either didn't remember, remembered very differently, or just plain didn't want to talk about it. I acknowledged his frustration with their response. His response to that acknowledgement has me pondering. I quote
So finding anything out that hurts you can cause even more pain if you find out the wrong thing.
Isn't that the truth? Lol - I am sure he doesn't recognize that he and I have much in common with that.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Sounds like he is trying to work out his childhood problems. That would have to be a good sign?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Today I am making a to do list and have a soccer game to attend