hi and thanks for input. you are soooo rite. why in the world would i have thought i could act naturally and just chat? i thought i had more detachment than i did (i usually do). i hear what you are saying- and will do in future. .
it is very rare for a phone call to go that way. once i got there on phone - i paniked - and exchanged a few words & i realized i couldn't do it- i SHOULD HAVE just said the doorbell was ringing. i never thought of it - dopey me- i will put a little note or prompt note by the phones so i either remember don't go there- or possible outs if i do.
i do not think clearly in crunch situation. -
i don't think i will make this mistake again. you know- i didn't see it that way - trying to instill (guilt)
i do not feel confident he gets it that i cannot be just same ole , good ole ME - answer the phone when he feels like a chat (or check in )- just exist in this little box he's put me in and be there for him whenever he wants -
i wonder if he thinks i can and will accept the ow thing. . it changes me- i'm unable to be "normal" me. - it's not okay and never will be - I will not "get used to" - it will kill anything left - death by a thousand cuts. nothing more or less..
i wonder if he thinks because i don't resist- fight, bring it up, etc. (i swore i never would discuss it again - and have not for a long time) that it is somehow okay and he will have a life with her and me in it. honestly- i think he thinks he will always have everything he wants - me included - for as long as he wants. )
it's all pathetic . sometimes i'm pathetic ( in very private) - thanks
