Can This Be Salvaged?

[leopoldstotch]

Leo

Again you are right that we cannot redo the past. I'am not living in the past but my wife sure does

And she may for a while. A lot of times it take a while for things to break, then we want them fixed NOW. Time Leo,time. That said, you will also need to figure out how much time YOU want to put into fixing this.

I truly feel like we are stuck in the mud going nowhere.

It may feel that for a while.

You have identified some of the issues ie. finances, so what is your plan of attack? How can you begin to make some positive changes for YOU?

Also, about her complaining....right now in a way it is a GOOD thing. It shows that she is still somewhat invested in the M.

Well Eric some of the positive things I am doing is acting happy all the time and not sweating the small stuff. Not being negative and basically just trying to act like I'm her friend right now and nothing more. So you see her complaints as her being somewhat invested in the m. I myself am not so sure about that and by that I mean that I'm not seeing her take any steps towards me at all. At this stage I would still say we are just like roommates.

I don't know if you saw a few posts back but my sons both said something to my wife recently about her never being home.

Do you think she is seeing someone?

Good question. My gut says no. I do not have the feeling she is seeing someone. Is it possible? Yes because her history is that anytime there was trouble in our M she would have an affair. The first time that happened was back in 1995 when she started seeing an old boyfriend of hers. We were having problems and it wasn't until she left me that she was caught. At that time I told her she had to make a choice between OM and me. Obviously she chose me.

Then in 2002/2003 we again had problems in our M and this time she started seeing a co-worker and all this was while she told me we were separated but still living under the same roof. I went through absolute hell. To make a long story short I believe I ended that affair by exposing to my W's boss and don't you know two weeks later the guy was fired. I ended up waking up one day and deciding I could no longer take how we were living and I moved out and eventually started seeing another woman. My W found out about and came unglued. She called me crying hysterically telling me she can't believe that I would do it to her etc. We ended up R again but this time she told me she had enjoyed all the power she had over me before I left because she knew how bad I wanted to get back with her. It wasn't until I was seeing someone else that she was truly threatened with losing me. So in the two times we were separated it took something drastic I guess I can say for things to turn around.

As you can see she has a history of running to someone else when the M is on the rocks but this time I don't have that feeling. I can see how others may think there is someone else being she is always out and says she doesn't want to be home. I will say this though if she was having an affair I know our M is over as I could never trust her ever again.

Sounds like your W keeps herself busy with her friends. What do you two guys (or used to do) together?

We used to go to the movies and I used to go watch her volleyball games at times. We used to talk all the time and now it seems like when I try to just be her friend sometimes she really engages and sometimes she is really distant. We still go to our youngest son's soccer games and will go to friends parties and family events together. For example last night we went to a beef and beer at a bowling alley for our son's soccer team. We shared a lane with another couple who are friends of ours and I think we had a good time. I was very friendly towards her. Sometimes she engaged and sometimes she seemed very distant.

Also, can you do me a favor...write down all of the positive things you remember about your W. What did you love about her, what attracted you to her to begin with.

As for the positives that I can remember and what attracted me in the first place well to be honest it was the first time I saw her I was like wow to my buddy who is she? We were in a Burger King that I used to work at and my buddy still was working there and he told me she was such and such's sister. So it was her looks and well her boobs, lol. I'm just being honest I'm a sucker for them. The positives well she used to be very loving and affectionate touchy feely with me way back when. We used to talk quite a bit. Love making used to be fairly frequent and passionate (haven't done that in almost a year). We would go places together.

Finally, the fact that you are here tells me that deep down inside you want to fix this. Do you really want to reconcile? If so, why?

These are tough questions. I'm really questioning if I want to R with her because I'm starting to believe that she will never be the loving person she once was. I understand she doesn't trust me and won't open herself up to me because in the past I showed her I went back to old behaviors. It's strange you ask this because my best friend asked me about two weeks ago that if she wanted to get back together what would I do. My answer then was yes but she has to make changes to and things can't go back to how they were. Right now I'm becomming unsure.

Have a good weekend dude. I'll check back on Monday.

Peace,
Eric

[ericmsant2]

Leo

These are tough questions. I'm really questioning if I want to R with her because I'm starting to believe that she will never be the loving person she once was

FTR, it is very hard to DB a marraige if you are not sure if you really want to be in it. Personally, I think you need to figure that out first.

A slave cannot serve two masters. You either want to save it or you don't. Your call.

because in the past I showed her I went back to old behaviors

So what are doing to make sure that you do not go back to those old behaviors?

My answer then was yes but she has to make changes to and things can't go back to how they were.

This didn't break overnight and it is not gonna get fixed overnight. It take CONSISTENT actions OVER A LONG period of time.

Personally, I think you can do it...but that's just me..and hey what do I know..I'm just some typing on my machine.

Eric

[leopoldstotch]

Leo


FTR, it is very hard to DB a marriage if you are not sure if you really want to be in it. Personally, I think you need to figure that out first.

A slave cannot serve two masters. You either want to save it or you don't. Your call.

Eric that's what I'm trying to figure out now. It's probably going to me some time to figure out if I truly want to be in this M anymore. I have have no doubt in my mind what I would like out of a marriage but I'm not convinced it will ever be with my W. I just don't believe she is capable of it.

So what are doing to make sure that you do not go back to those old behaviors?

For starters I no longer react to her when she is angry. That is a 180 for me. Whenever my W would get mad and fly off the handle I would in turn do the same thing. I have stopped doing that a long time ago as I've grown tired of the cycle. The bad part is she still likes to fly off the handle but it doesn't last as long since I don't react to her. I treat her like a friend now. I try to strike up conversations with her sometimes she will engage sometimes she won't. I'm more upbeat and truly am happy with how I am even though it means nothing to my W. One thing I've learned is I'm changing for ME and nobody else.

This didn't break overnight and it is not gonna get fixed overnight. It take CONSISTENT actions OVER A LONG period of time.

Personally, I think you can do it...but that's just me..and hey what do I know..I'm just some typing on my machine.

Eric

Thanks for having the confidence in me to do this. I also know that you are right and that this could take a very long time to turn around but I keep thinking that my W will never be the W that I wish she could be and I'm not talking about sex every night. Affectionate, loving wanting to spend time together things like that are things I have trouble envisioning her doing.

[ericmsant2]

Leo

It's probably going to me some time to figure out if I truly want to be in this M anymore. I have have no doubt in my mind what I would like out of a marriage but I'm not convinced it will ever be with my W. I just don't believe she is capable of it.

I understand the need to take some time..just remember that she too deserves the right to know where she stands.

One thing I've learned is I'm changing for ME and nobody else.

IMHO, this ^^^ is the most important thing you can do.

I keep thinking that my W will never be the W that I wish she could be and I'm not talking about sex every night.

She may be thinking the same thing...except YOU are changing..so it is possible. Then again, I think the true test of love is to love someone the way they are - not the way WE expect them to be.

Good luck buddy....keep working on you.

Eric

[leopoldstotch]

Ok so it's been a bit since I've posted on my own thread as I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to a conclusion. I can no longer stay in this "marriage". This morning really made it clear to me that it's over and that my W has nothing left for me.

We have been getting along fine as room mates. This morning I showed my W my annuity statement and I said that I would have a lot of money when I retire. She said that's if you retire. I asked her what she meant. She says well you could die before you retire. I chuckled and said are you trying to kill me? This is the second time recently you said something about me dying. Recently I told her "guess what happened to me at work today"? She says well you didn't get shot! I told her that there are easier ways to get rid of me and she says "oh yeah?how? So I said you could divorce me. In fact I will file and I told her how much it would cost and she asked if I had been looking it up and I said yes. She asked if I was going to save up the money and I said no I'm just gonna go do it. Then she said "I guess I need to find a place to live". That was the end of the conversation.

It might not seem like much as it was a friendly exchange not angry we weren't fighting but it really dawned on me that she has no feelings for me at all because I did also so that I can't live with someone who doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me and she could not answer that. That has become the truth for me I can no longer live like this.

We have been in this sitch for over a year now and while I know I'm not perfect I've made some very significant changes and she has shown ZERO interest in me at all. No temperature checks at all. No affection. When I say we are roommates we are nothing but roommates. I truly believe that she is content with our living arrangements. The more I give it thought the more I believe she just wants all the conveniences of being married and nothing more. The emotional side is dead and this is not what I want.

I know that time and persistence are what we are supposed to practice but how long can one hold on when they are not seeing any results at all? For all I know there could be an OM. I don't have that feeling and I haven't seen any evidence of it this time but let's face it her track record shows anytime we've gone through this she ran to someone else. It's possible that she has become great at hiding it this time. This is a woman who is never home and if she isn't involved with OM then to me her never being home tells me she is or has already established a life separate from me and is just preparing to leave me when the time is right in her mind. I think she won't file for divorce because she doesn't want her father to think the worst about her.

I know many on here have told me to go back to the person she was first attracted to and I have but she has also changed and as I've said before I can't picture her ever being loving again. If I have disappointed anyone here I'm sorry but I just don't see this sitch ever changing and as bad as I was I feel I deserve better and she does too. I also don't believe she thinks I'm serious about filing but my mind is made up it's time to move past all this and start a new life. I will be filing most likely next week. I'm sure it's going to be difficult and interesting to say the least and I have no plans on leaving here. This community has been very helpful and I'm sure I will not a lot of help to get through the tough times ahead. Thanks everyone who has responded.

[someguy1233]

Thanks for your support in my thread, leo. I hope you stick around to help others.

How are you feeling with your decision?

[leopoldstotch]

SG you're welcome and I plan on sticking around I'm sure I'll need some support. I feel at peace with my decision. I've just come to the conclusion that my W can live in this limbo forever and I can't. I made mistakes but she just can't let go of the past and I can't make her let go. I plan on going Friday to file but I'll still be here. Thx for checking in.

[ericmsant2]

Good luck Leo.

[someguy1233]

Leopold- you had posted in my thread that you were working in the storm areas. I haven't seen you on in a couple days. I hope you're doing ok.

[leopoldstotch]

SG I'm ok I guess. Im really struggling with ending my marriage. I came home from storm work Fri night. W was in a bad mood Sat and Sun. Sun morning she told me its my fault for getting laid off and that I have no desire to work. Talk about not having respect for me. So I off and play softball with my son and our team. We won the championship and had a great time celebrating.

S and I come home and W talks to S all happy and then starts in on me again about work etc. W tells me that we are over and that she is not "in" love with me that she doesn't get that "warm and fuzzy" feeling when I'm around.

SIGH... Part of me is ready to move on because I think to myself why should I stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me and who doesn't respect me? This isn't getting any easier.