Here we go again...

[someguy1233]

Time for an update…
For the most part I stayed away from this forum this weekend. While I find this place VERY, VERY helpful and supportive sometimes I think that too much time here is actually counterproductive. It causes me to dwell on a situation that I have very little control over.

HER CHAT WITH HER MOM
On Friday evening W’s mom talked to her. I spoke with her afterwards. I do understand that typically involving family/friends is discouraged. However, her mom was involved during the affair years ago. W doesn’t know we speak and never will. I also needed to tell someone about W’s depression and anxiety. Since W wouldn’t listen to anything from me, I was hoping a family member will be able to help keep an eye on her. This isn’t necessarily as an attempt to save our R, but more so that they’re aware. Depression can be serious and given our situation, I’m barely in contact with W and can’t watch for worsening conditions. Hopefully she never gets worse, but there’s always that possibility…

Her mom confirmed W’s biggest complaints. She hates her job. She hates where we live. She’s doesn’t like our marriage. She said that whenever she brought up finding a new job I immediately quizzed her about the money and how we could afford for her to take a job with a lower pay. This made her feel like I was holding her in a job she hated.

She also told her mom that she can’t make me move closer to the city. I feel like this is a cop-out answer since I’ve already told her that I’m willing to move if it’s that important to her.

Overall, her mom said that she feels like she’s trapped in a bird cage and needs to escape. She’s convinced that I’m the one holding her in that cage.

Her mom said that W does seem to believe that separation would be a good way to figure things out.

She did mention that a week ago she was at home (not out drinking!) reading on the couch upstairs. I was working on the laptop on the couch downstairs. She said that in that moment she felt incredibly content and happy. I wish I knew what brought that on so I could try to recreate it.

The next day she said that she was very annoyed/angry with her mom. I think maybe this is a good thing… her mom may have struck a chord and made her think a little. She said her mom was saying things she's already thought of: she knows this affects S and that it's a big decision to break up the family. She also said her mom was telling her she needed to think about this more and that this isn’t the type of decision that should be made quickly. W said she told her, “I’m obviously still thinking. I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet.”


TALK WITH COWORKER
She said she talked to an ex-coworker for an hour on Friday night. He was helping to coach her on how to get her employer to give her more money. She said she plans to talk to her boss… she said she’ll explain that due to her personal situation she needs to move to a position in the company with better pay. (I’m assuming this is so that she can somehow come up with the money to get an apartment)


SATURDAY- TIME TOGETHER
Saturday morning we took S to swimming lessons. I had a blast with him in the water. W took pictures from the bleachers. She was mostly crabby and was trying to pick fights. I responded positively. She was again exhausted and hung over from another night of drinking.

We went grocery shopping together. We had lunch as a family.

I spent the day responding when spoken to, but mostly remaining quiet. I was happy when I did speak. While doing dishes she said, ”I don’t hate you, you know.” I nodded. She then asked me what I was thinking. I dodged the question saying that I didn't know and that there's a lot to think about.

After lunch we were standing near as we were about to handoff S. A song came on the radio and I started singing in a horrible falsetto. She laughed and gave me a hug.

SUNDAY NIGHT - SHE WANTS THE BED
Last night I came home in time to go to bed. As I walked down the hall W says from the couch, “I call the bed tonight.” I turned to look at her, “excuse me?” She said, “I call the bed. Either that or I’m sleeping downstairs and you can take care of S in the morning.”

I walked away to the bedroom to change clothes. When I came out she was downstairs. I assumed she went to sleep down there so I turned off the lights and went to bed.

She came back upstairs five minutes later and I could hear her very angrily whispering to herself, "I wasn't f-Ing done up here. I'll take care of all the (something) myself."

I have no idea what she was mad about. Or what she was taking care if "herself." There seems to be this double standard. She goes out drinking every other night or more, and leaves me to get everything ready for the next day for S, etc. When I go out (far less often) she still expects me to be her emotional support for S and come home help with stuff.

In general, she's been angry towards me all day- the few times is passed her.

This morning she brought up the bed situation again. She said that it isn’t fair and that it’s very uncomfortable for her to nurse S in the morning on the couch. I told her that she’s welcome in the bed but I don’t feel I should have to give up my bed. She angrily responded, “I see. You’re going to act like a 7th grader about all of this. Good to know. It really helps me.” I didn’t bother responding or getting worked up. Her comment really annoyed… I felt like she was trying to leverage my fear of divorce in order to get what she wanted. I’m not here to be taken advantage of.

THE FUN!
Saturday night I went to a concert with a close friend and my sister. We had a blast. It was an amazing show!
Sunday afternoon/evening I went to the range with my sister and her boyfriend. I’ve never shot a real gun. I got to shoot a 9mm, 45, revolver, and an M1A rifle. What a rush! I think I may have a new expensive hobby. Uh hoh! She did text me while I was out at the range letting me know that S was being very difficult. It seems she comes to me whenever she’s struggling with S and expects me to support her. I still feel that she needs to understand that if we separate/divorce, being a single parent will be very tough.

OVERALL
There haven’t been any positive changes in the last couple days. She’s mostly angry around me. She still lacks patience with our son. She still drinks a lot. She’s living another life without me. She goes out and I never hear any details of what she’s doing. She also doesn’t care to ask what I’m doing when I go out. It’s like we’re living separate lives, returning to the same anxiety filled home. Our only tie is S. I struggle with how to be supportive, give space, act AS-IF, but not being cold… all while not being a doormat.