first time need help - still (new thread?)

[nero]

Dawnmarie or ANYONE OUT THERE have anything to say to me. i'm a bit freakie this very moment.???

I just got a call from out of state from h. I speculated he'd seen ow this past weekend. (he did) i didn't hear from him fri nite or sat - til sun evening. i didn't pick up phone. just couldn't.

so- phone ringing- i feel ratty & rude to ignore it. I picked up- but honestly, I kind of hate him when i know he's been w/ ow and he is totally indifferent to me. I said hi- couple neutral words about Obama from him - and I asked if he'd been "out of town" (code word for boinking ow) - he said yes sat - and i said sorry but really- I do not want talk to him. I just didn't want to share anything about my life with this man.

I feel so crappy and jittery (like adrenaline rush & nowhere to go) and awful- would love to cry if could get started. WHAT THE??? I very nicely said "sorry, but you know, i just do not want to talk to you when i realize you have been with someone else that you prefer to share your life with - I have nothing to share or say" and he very nicely said, "oh, okay- i'll call later and see if you feel like talking".

WHAT THE heck is this? i feel like throwing up and he's all nice and acting like i just said i was eating a hotdog - could he call back. i am at a loss. it's soo gross - his lack of emotion and acceptance. how little could i mean? am i crazy here? to think this man doesn't even attempt to engage me- convince me- ANYTHING AT ALL - GOD i feel like the biggest jerk in the universe to even still know him if i evoke soooo little emotion .

I know in the big picture he's paying the bills and he is remaining in my life and saying i should remain in his- remain in this house (we own 50-50) but if he is so devoid of passion or interest in me - I see no hope or future. i know he called to "chat" - BUT it makes me feel like a faithful old dog sitting in the kitchen waiting for master to come home - give me a scratch and then ignore me for the rest of the day.

SOOOO- I feel soooo guilty to have picked up the stupid phone- should i be chastising myself for not acting all (db) & cool and "i don't care a bit- i got a fun life without you?) " or is it "okay" - .

i agonize over this dbing and "doing the rite things". it just happened - i thought i was going to be all detached and cool - i wasn't emotional or shrill or an7ything - just soft and neutral and matter of fact. i cannot imagine how it cannot affect him at all- it is soooooo out of character for me. so here am i feeling like the end of the world- and he's not even present.

hellllpppp,.,,,,,, I am in some bad movie here....

anyone have any thoughts - -

[Albuquerque]

Nero,

First of all, you just need to breathe.....................

This is not easy. We can't all do everything "right" all the time. We're human, we have emotions. This is not easy. Don't beat yourself up. It wasn't a great interaction yes, but we move forward.

Phone calls - If you know this is how most phone calls will go, it is in YOUR best interest to not answer. I sense that you feel that answering will somehow help to bring him back. If this is how the calls will go, then NO!!! Do not answer. Detach detach. He can leave a message. If it's important, you can call when YOU'RE ready to talk.

MLC Actions - They are crazy. That's it. Their brains are misfiring and their actions WILL MAKE NO SENSE. You will never understand because they don't either. DO NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND IT! You will not. The only thing you can understand is that they are crazy. And despite the face of emotionless banter they display, they are often dying inside. We just don't often see that part.

And as for your conversations with him, you need to not talk about the R. Even about the OW. It's out there. It's known. If you don't want to talk to him because of her, then don't talk to him. But there is no need to TELL HIM THAT IS WHY. In doing that, you are only trying to manipulate him into feeling guilt. And when he doesn't it makes you feel worse. This [censored]. Totally. That's why you need to focus on YOU. Work on YOU. Find an outlet, a hobby, work on YOUR shortcomings. You don't need to ACT like you're having a fun life with out him. You have to HAVE a fun life without him. It's hard work. But it is possible. And it's the only way YOU will make it out of this with some sanity and self improvement.

*Hugs*

[mizjjd]

Nero,

sorry your day has begun so badly. I personally would be more than a "bit" freakie so maybe you're handling this better than you think.

The whole thing is a learning process for all involved. Give yourself time and allow yourself some mistakes. Do learn from your mistakes as best you can because the mistakes are painful and slow your healing.

Can you screen his calls? I know I would wonder if the call was something really important (maybe health related etc) and feel obliged to answer. If he leaves a chatty message, or no message at all, then you would know the call wasn't really important. Then YOU could decide to pick up or return his phone call IF you felt you WANTED TO.

Try to shrug this episode off as best you can. Just say to yourself, "Well, THAT was a mistake but I'll do better next time."

Hope the rest of your day is better.

[albamarie]

Hey Nero, I understand the need to answer the phone. I think your still so gut wrench by all this your almost looking for a way out. Answering and saying exactly what's on your mind has been a long time coming for you.

Your frustration sounds like it brought you to the point. I was were you just can't stay bottle up. I think your approach was very honest and adult. What's wrong with coming out and saying exactly that - after all this time.

My coach said to be honest in a nice manor and set your boundary. She told me to say almost exactly what you said. Don't beat yourself up over it, he's not, he took it pretty well!

Now, work on if he calls you back!

We reach a point were we are so bottled up that we start to open our mouths expressing ourselves consequences be dambed. That's what I did a few week ago. Be very careful with this new stage your entering.

I laid it all on the line as was prepared for him to do whatever. I don't recommend that though, not at all for you. You said your peace.

Now, first of don't assume where he's been, why he's calling you, that he does't think anything of your pain. Don't think for him, your probably wrong and just hurting yourself.

Remember they don't show you their pain, but that's how all this got started,i t's about his crappy life. Your great pain is loving someone who's not there anymore, a shell of who he was to you.

I don't have words of wisdom just practice and I stink at all of this myself, but your the one in pain, because of his pain. His pain has nothing to do with you. He is reaching out to you for some reason - were not going to assume, but it's right there, he has been in a very little way reaching out to you recently.

Your not a good dog waiting. But, you have to decide do you want to be his "light house" for him to rely on and feel safe. If you have any hope for this R than you need to decide if your ready to do that for him, your represent home for him. Forget OW she's not the answer for any of this, and she's not home, he's showing you that much!

If not then that's ok too. I have "light house" shining bright but I never say that for the R or M, it's for the man to one day find his way.

[albamarie]

He has not "let" you go he took himself out. In a backward crazy world it's a way to not leave the relationship. It's his way to find something out there (nowhere, somewhere) your never going to know.

When he calls back decide if you want to answer, but don't bring up the same conversation if you do. Keep it light, to the point and say I'm off so - good by!

If he ask to do what - vaguely say I'm working on my hobbies!

OR don't answer - but be prepaid, you got this!

[nero]

hi and thanks for input. you are soooo rite. why in the world would i have thought i could act naturally and just chat? i thought i had more detachment than i did (i usually do). i hear what you are saying- and will do in future. .

it is very rare for a phone call to go that way. once i got there on phone - i paniked - and exchanged a few words & i realized i couldn't do it- i SHOULD HAVE just said the doorbell was ringing. i never thought of it - dopey me- i will put a little note or prompt note by the phones so i either remember don't go there- or possible outs if i do.

i do not think clearly in crunch situation. -

i don't think i will make this mistake again. you know- i didn't see it that way - trying to instill (guilt)

i do not feel confident he gets it that i cannot be just same ole , good ole ME - answer the phone when he feels like a chat (or check in )- just exist in this little box he's put me in and be there for him whenever he wants -

i wonder if he thinks i can and will accept the ow thing. . it changes me- i'm unable to be "normal" me. - it's not okay and never will be - I will not "get used to" - it will kill anything left - death by a thousand cuts. nothing more or less..

i wonder if he thinks because i don't resist- fight, bring it up, etc. (i swore i never would discuss it again - and have not for a long time) that it is somehow okay and he will have a life with her and me in it. honestly- i think he thinks he will always have everything he wants - me included - for as long as he wants. )

it's all pathetic . sometimes i'm pathetic ( in very private) - thanks

[nero]

oh yeah- thanks for your honest input-

it is crazy- i will not mention it again ever to him - i should have ignored the call til i wanted to talk. (you';re rite) it was bad form - on my part!!

i am not havin any funn and this h and his junk [censored] the pleasure out of my life. i know- you'll say don't let it- i'm working on that- i hear it- you are also rite i need to try to stop "understanding". i was working on final tweak to my resume when he called- i'll get there- tnx for help along way\(( )) back

[nero]

you are such an understanding and caring person. i hear you about the lighthouse. I decided to be the lighthouse a year ago- - i fall off my "high road" and forget and lose my way. i wish my spouse had your brain & heart. i would be in heaven.

i just felt like honesty was the best policy because i was just there- stuck. - i was calm and pleasant - i don't want to "spew" - i know he's heard everythng i could possibly say - good & bad. i have sworn off any conversations about r m , "it"-ow, you name it.

i feel "abnormal" sometimes and incredulous that he just goes along being the "same" and thinking i am. i feel like a different person - i feel like a fraud - maybe that is what makes me think i need to spell something out. he acts like it is all not there. to me- it is the ONLY thing there- . there is only one thing in life i want to hear from him (probably never will- but you know...) oh well-

this sitch is demanding i be fake - i get the strategy- i've never been good at having strategy and image and being what i'm not. maybe i can tell myself it's a "job" - we all are someone else at work. i'll try it. i'm a very good little doo bee at the office- bosses loved me.

thanks for "letting me off the hook" - i was honest and nice. maybe it could set a boundary - maybe he could know that me talking to him while he's with her or having "that life" is becoming something i cannot do or want to. whichever - does it matter? is that BAD - if he knows i cannot "be" in his life when she is - is that pressure and i'm pushing hinm or pursuing himn???? oh crap- more darn "strategy" intruding & nagging me.

he knows if he calls me on cellphone on a weekend i know it's because he's with her. so he doesn't do it - but then i know because he doesn't call. either way i know. he knows i know.

i didn't want to say "don't talk to me anymore unless you're in my face". but honestly- i have had it to death with phone calls & long distance r, etc. i know it is not the time in life to make any demands, etc. i will not go THERE - . JUST Between us tho- sick - to - death..

Now, work on if he calls you back!

i have no idea - still cannot imagine what in the WORLD i have to say to him or could chit chat about. i don't even want to hear his voice- i don't want to know he exists - spontaneous amnesia would be okay.

i will not do or say anything commital or big- YOU ARE correct i am not at that place.

Now, first of don't assume where he's been, why he's calling you, that he does't think anything of your pain. Don't think for him, your probably wrong and just hurting yourself.

you are so right- i do and i do. will try harder to remember pma & quit figuring- one of my biggest problem areas . trying to understand the un-understandable. I still try and figure out if my sister was the person i loved and grew up with- the woman she became or the alcoholic she was. i want to think she was the person i loved - bright- funny- smart- . i just don't know & can't figure it out. anyone

He is reaching out to you for some reason - were not going to assume, but it's right there, he has been in a very little way reaching out to you recently.

ya really think so? is that what it is ? reaching out? i think it's merely checking to see if i'm still stupidly sitting here waiting for a bone. (how I feel i guess) i will never get this part- the taking a chance on losing me by blatently rubbing my face in ow and ea. his frank admissions & apparent non-concern over possible consequences

i wish i had your faith in the man. i do judge and figure too much. something soooooo AWFUL about knowing he is having fun with her at a very moment i am not having any fun- have nothing in particular to look foward to feel despairing a bit - - - - - - have been thru a year of total HELL. AND NO kidding about that- he seems oblivious.

i will endeavor to recapture my non-hostile detachnment (of a sort) of a day or so ago. weekends do me in. any evidence of ow in my face - sends me into a spin. . i hate this "being human" thing. wish i was a cold and inhuman fish - uh hem - like, you know who seems to be ...

kidding- i see it- me doing exactly wht i just said i would not do-

lots to do- forcing self to keep busy with a vengence. xxo thanks so much for response.

[nero]

mrsrjd-

hi & thanks for note. you made me feel better- i would love to even think for a minute i was handling this better than anyone in the universe. thanks for sayin it..

i can screen them- and now i know i shouldn't even have picked up. i swear- i don't know what moves me to think more of myself and my control than it warrants. oh well- won't make that mistake for a long long time to come.

i'm going to make the rest of the day better. get busy- get out of the house- drop off this application & resume- finish cleaning upstairs so i'm living in tidy and pleasant place & SPACE. why in the world i only clean for company is beyond me- i need it to be nice for me. NOW - so typical of me- why WOULD i ever do for someone else what i won't take the time to do for me?

this long-term "disconnect" with this man (who was my main connection in life - in the universe- for soooo long) is soooo creepy & wearing. i'm going to go find an ibuprophen for my head- and neck crick- and finish sewing this cover for my stupif foot rest. one thing off the to do pile & better to look at every time i walk thru the living room.

xxo & thanks for sharing

[Albuquerque]

i do not feel confident he gets it -

i wonder if he thinks i can and will accept the ow thing.

i wonder if he thinks because i don't resist- fight, bring it up, etc.

i think he thinks he will always have everything he wants - me included - for as long as he wants. )

It's work. You know it's work. But look at what you're expending energy on. Wondering about his thinking. Sadly, it's absolutely pointless. He's on the crazy train and actions will make no sense. You will spin yourself into the ground trying to understand. Use your energy to work on what YOU are going to do. How are YOU going to live on? How are YOU going to change?

When my H was in the midst of crazy town, he'd literally hop off the plane from having seen OW (he didn't know I knew) and rush to meet me and D at our weekly sushi restaurant. I never understood why he did so. And even though I could ask him now, (and I've considered it), I still haven't. I think the reason I haven't is because he'd probably say he never remembered doing it and would have no idea why. Sometimes even being able to get the answers can be very unrewarding. So don't think about logic. There likely is none.

it's all pathetic . sometimes i'm pathetic ( in very private) - thanks

We've all been there. We've all felt that way. Doing it in private is the only way. And then once we've had our pity party, we realize we have to dust ourselves off and keep moving forward.