Just as a warning this will probably be long because i've had alot on my mind as of late and want to get it out. I read the post in Rough's thread from 25 and it just spoke to me beyond belief, its probably been my biggest struggle so far and im just not sure how to move past this. Fear is such an intense feeling...that and the fact that my wife is 'alien' to me right now. I truly believe its MLC but even knowing that and being intent on loving her through it there are many times I question why I would even want to have a relationship with someone who obviously isn't who I thought they were.....I pray its temporary insanity because if this is who she is i've been deceived for too long.
My two biggest fears are that i'll never be able to find someone with all of the incredible qualities my wife has who would be interested in someone with all of the incredible flaws that I have.
The second fear is that someone else will have more input and influence in my sons life than I will. Maybe this is my biggest fear...and for certain the biggest source of any anger that I harbor. Feel free to blast me on this if you must but for me to be honest it has to be out there. I see many of the LBS who are women who can't believe that their husband could walk away from his wife and kids and I'm right there with you because it is absolutely beyond me how someone could do that....but when the men walked they at least had to consider all of this.....my belief is that when the walk away wife leaves she only considers life without her husband....she rarely gives consideration to a decreased role in the lives of her children b/c history has shown that she will most likely retain custody of them.
I don't say this to start some huge debate on fathers rights or to seem sexist....but it is a fear I face as I go through this process. If I were to walk away from my family and then file for divorce and try to obtain custody of my son I would have almost no chance, yet this is what my wife has done and there is still a much better than average chance that she will be granted custody if we end up in court and i'll be forced into 'part time dad'. And yes I know you can have joint custody etc...thats not the point, the point is that I want to raise my child each and every day of his life and there is a chance that will be taken away from me and nothing I can do to stop it.
I also question who she is.....alien invasion is right...but even knowing that it sometimes will lead you to think that maybe this is 'really' them and the other was an act. When we had a discussion about how things are right now and it looked like things might start slowly moving toward improvement I was still incredibly disturbed by some things....most notably that she had 'her son' (my step son) are happy right now so she doesn't want to upset that....she actually said she didnt know if 'our son' was happy or not...but she really didnt seem to care, and obviously I don't matter, so the fact was that 2 out of 3 of them were happy so she didnt want to really change anything.
I have tried so very hard to move forward, and im going to brush myself off and continue that, but its been a rough couple of days...not because she pushed me away after we had a really nice talk last week, that I was expecting. But more because i've reflected on the these last few months and her actions and it is becoming increasingly difficult to not be bitter and to leave the door to R open.Has she become someone I dont know...or was she someone I didnt know and im just opening my eyes to it. I can say with no uncertainty that who she is today is not who I married.....I pray she wakes up....for our sake, for our kids sake...for her sake but im so afraid that she wont.
