Thanks Lisa although sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
It is amazing with the 180's, without having much to go on from my wife I am kind of on my own. So I have just been trying to be more supportive, thankful, and trying to speak WOA. At first it did feel like I was just doing it for her. Now I find myself saying to people at work, "that is a great idea". And it feels great.
A little more about last night...I did have to call her about a half a dozen times for info, I tried to keep it light and even get a little humor into the conversation.
I did miss chance when she told me that this isn't something she just woke up one morning and thought of doing. Probably should have said that I can't imagine how hard it must have been for the last few years. Oh well, I don't think I did anything to cause more damage.
I also made my first appointment with a IC today. I think I need to be at place where I am ready to move on without her before we can have the r we both want. He is familiar with MWD and DB.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I think the IC is an awesome idea. My IC sessions have been all about "us" H and I, I think maybe having some "me" sessions has to be a good thing. I hope the IC helps.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Other than feeling the onset of a cold, I feel really good today. A sort of inner peace.
There is one major hurdle that I can see though. I understand this is her choice to give up part of her children, but I am having a hard time feeling like she is taking away my choice in regards to the children. I feel like if I can get past that, I would be able to completely forgive her.
Speaking of forgiveness, is that something that is offered? Does it need to be asked for? Or is it something that is done internally without verbally expressing?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Speaking of forgiveness, is that something that is offered? Does it need to be asked for? Or is it something that is done internally without verbally expressing?
I believe true forgiveness is for our own sake, not the for the other person. Forgiveness is not based on whether or it is asked, nor is it based on whether or not it is deserved. Forgiveness is not even a "feeling". You decide you will forgive another (or yourself) and it is done from your own free will. It's good when the feelings catch up to the decision, but sometimes it takes a while. Some people experience an immediate sense of inner peace, while others have to remind themselves that they have chosen to forgive in spite of the emotions they have at the moment.
I hope for your sake that you will forgive her.....and you can, you know. Once you forgive her, then I believe you will begin to rebuild a new life. But expect to continue to face times that you still experience anger and frustration at the situation. It wasn't what you wanted, and forgiveness doesn't make the problems go away. However, forgiveness is the beginning of healing for you.
I hope you continue to stay with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not going anywhere. I also don't believe that if the d happens that it is the end. I accept that she believes she needs it to find her happiness, yet I see how emotional she is about all of this. I do truly want her to be happy, it is the only way we could have a happy, healthy r. She is on a journey, just as I am. Hopefully our paths cross again. I am very optimistic about our future, but not blind to fact that it could be the end. I am still early on in this experience. One thing is certain I have to stop using the damn Catholic guilt that was drilled into me. That is my number one goal.
I have had a sense of inner peace all day, and I have been thinking a lot about the forgiveness aspect of that peace. My inclination is that forgiveness is unspoken unless she actually asks for it. I think it is more of a release of the resentment out into the great unknown. And a sort of awakening for myself. It is the best I have felt in a long time.
You are right in that I will probably feel the anger again. GroceryKartMan has really helped me with that. So I think it will become less and less of a issue. Only time will tell.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Forgot to mention the other reason I am not going anywhere...just because I am feeling peaceful, doesn't mean I am ready to find a replacement. I have a ways to go before that would happen. I sometimes think that I need to be at that point to be able to see tangible progress with w. Otherwise I fear ending up needy and clingy all over again.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Had to contact W again for more info regarding d. I continue to try to add some humor in some pretty difficult discussions. W commented about the sense of humor, I just said I'm trying. She said I know. So it would seem she is noticing. Noticing what exactly I don't know, but I am starting to feel like myself again.
The person that she was attracted to. The one that was great on his own, that didn't need anyone to be happy.
Along with the feeling of peace that I found today, I think I have gotten to point where I am releasing expectations. I feel like I can breathe again.
Hopefully I can translate all this into some proper DBing. Just being happy on my own is a great first step. It is time to dance, oh wait I don't have much rhythm. Time to start some mean toe taping.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
eyesopen, glad to read your toes are starting to tap. It does get better with time.
I just want to echo what Sandi said about forgiveness. I made it a conscious decisional first. My feelings are catching up and i do have to 'remind' myself sometimes especially when i slip and let my emotions, not my mind, control my actions. It is still an exercise for me, but I am getting the hang of it, because I want to to genuinely forgive with no expectations in return.
On a side note...I noticed you are in MPLS...i was born and raised there until my family left the states when I was 15. Small world. I guess it getting mighty cold about now? :-) What area are you in?
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Rough day, some heated discussions about child support and parenting time. It somehow seems that it is helping me detach from her. It is hard to grasp that she would rather give up part of her children, rather than fight for our marriage.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
