Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

Well, I wish there were a little more romance in this romance novel, but I'll give it some time!

Those of you who follow me know that at night my H and I spend some "cuddle time" - I usually rub his back and we watch TV. I ambled in around 9 and we watched The Girl on HBO (story of Alfred Hitchcock and Tippi Hedren). It is really nice to have the prolonged physical time, even if he's not reciprocating at this point. We are just being together and it is nice time.

Nothing too eventful. We both fell asleep during the movie at points. I asked him if he would be interested in ML in the morning and he seemed uncomfortable with the idea, so I said, "That's ok, I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for" and left it there.

Now it's morning and I have to go in to the bedroom to use the bathroom, check in, etc. I won't revisit the ML subject, he knows it's an option.

All in all, I'm feeling quite satisfied with our progress over the last 3 weeks. That's how long it's been since Denver told me "Love him" and it's working well. Eating dinner together and riding in the car together makes me feel like we are a family and gives me some hope. It's really a lot of progress in a short time, but now the other milestones that I have (him putting his ring on, us going to MC, him re-friending me on Alt) are a bit harder and may take more time.

Let's hope I don't blow it now. I keep telling myself that I have to work on being more calm, sweet and affectionate because that's what's working. That's the W that my H wants (and really, no one asks for a b!tch for a wife). I could see in his communications that he thinks I am a steamroller with my own agenda, which I certainly can be... and I can see why that would be unpleasant.

One more thing, I discussed the snooping with my IC. We agreed it wasn't a good idea to continue. First of all, it's hurtful to ME. Second of all, it doesn't foster trust with HIM. And thirdly, I have a lot of positive behavior and momentum to hang my hat on now, so I am trying to focus on that.

I don't know what our plans are today yet. I know he had reached out to POW a while ago and brought up this weekend as a possibility. He hasn't mentioned anything to me yet. Who knows, I've decided to just let that go because there's nothing I can do about it anyway.

[Breakdown]

Regret, you sound so positive, so strong and patient. Good for you! Keep it up!

[mamabird]

Well I think of it like this: if we do break up, I want to walk away from it knowing I did everything possible to prevent it. I want to be the better person, or maybe I should say, I want to be the best person I can be, given the situation.

Onward and upward!

[longrun]

That's inspiring progress you write about, thanks. You exhibit a lot of strength and will power. The only idea I'd have is to put less energy into "pushing your agenda" and more into patience. Carrying the ring is not so important, also the friending on Alt. This will happen naturally once your emotional bond has become stronger again. Way to go.

[mamabird]

Another good day today. Had a good morning walk with the dogs and then picked the kids up from their sleepover and took them to the pumpkin patch for some fun. H declined to join us, saying that he needed a day to just recover.

I still worry a little about H having plans with POW today (because that was what they originally talked about), but it appears that his car hadn't moved a bit from where it was parked when I left and I guess I have no reason to believe that he went out with her. I texted him from the farm and he said he hoped we were having fun. I actually have no interest in checking his phone right now so I guess I'll never know.

When we got back, he'd put the laundry in the dryer (something he rarely does) and washed all the dishes. He seemed interested in seeing the pumpkins that I brought home, even though I only got 4 this year (instead of a whole fall "arrangement"). Then he helped the boys put up some Halloween decorations while I made dinner.

We ate dinner as a family and laughed at a story H told us about the dog barking his head off at this green balloon that was peeking over the fence from the neighbor's birthday party.

After dinner H said, "Thanks for taking care of everything today." I actually didn't do anything other than what I usually do, but what I usually do is a whole lot, and he recognized it.

After the kids went to bed we watched a little TV and laughed together. We don't have a whole lot of common interests but we both enjoy stand up comedy and it's nice to laugh with him.

Someone pinch me! It all seems too good to be true, and I really really hope that it isn't.

[Wendylon]

I'm pinching you (in thought), Regretful. You believe me, right?

It does sound really nice but not so over the top that it makes no sense. Just enjoy it for now. It's nice to have these times. It can give you reserves of hopefulness when you next have a low.

You're doing so well. I love the comment about you having no interest in checking his phone. That says a lot about your PMA. Well done.

[mamabird]

Honestly, I'm too scared to check his phone. Don't want to "ruin it". Would rather just enjoy and try to trust that all this is real. If I believe it's real, I can continue down same path with ease. I have no room for bad news right now!

It will be interesting to see what next break will be. I hope it will be me getting back into the marital bed because the sofa bed is no fun!

[Breakdown]

As Mach1 told me so many times, just live in the moment and enjoy it to it's fullest.

I spent an awful lot of time worried about who W was talking to, what she was planning, when she'd make a decision, how we'd move forward, etc etc. Once I started really focusing on each day individually, it became so much easier to enjoy things.

After a few months of "limbo" my W told me how she wasn't ready to make a decision, how she was unhappy because of it, and how she felt guilty for keeping me in this situation. My response was something like "if this is how we're going to live during indecision, I'm happy to take this for the next 30-40 years."

[2chiquitos]

I'm so glad it's going well for you! Enjoy it for the rest of us!

[mamabird]

Thanks guys. The one thing I have to say here is that I also have to learn to trust my H's changes, as much as he'll need to trust mine. At times it seems like he's going out of his way to be nice and considerate towards me, which, on its face, is really nice. But since I know he's seen a L, I just wonder sometimes if it's all a ploy to soften me up.

Well, ploy or not, we're getting along better, and I guess that's all that matters. I'm hoping we've both finally released the YEARS of built up anger that we had stacked up. Tonight we watched the third debate, and even laughed together at some dumb commercial for a home builder saying that a new home was much better than someone else's "used home."

I emailed him about his birthday. The kids don't have school so he's taking the day off. No response yet about dinner. I put it to him that I thought we'd have a family dinner, but of course he could have the option of going out alone for something nicer if he wanted to. I told him I wanted him to feel like it was a special day for him but didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I may not even participate in the day's activities - just help the boys make him breakfast in bed and then dinner.

I went to the public library today with S6. I don't know why I don't go there more often. I guess I have more time now that I am not working full time, but I love the library. I just love the whole concept of being able to borrow pretty much any book you could want for free, and I never take advantage of it. I got 3 audiobooks for my commute: one on eliminating debt, one on happiness and one on the science of attraction. I don't know, the whole thing felt empowering and very DB!