Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Labug. I hope so.

I am starting to realize I do have hidden fears. The hard part is going "deep enough" to work out their origin and letting yourself feel anything repressed. I'm thinking of just rambling some thoughts here and see where they lead. Its late tonight and I need sleep so I'll start tomorrow.
I think I got sick from just being so run down and not looking after me.

[AJM]

He was the same person who I was married to just with " no attachment" to me.

Really? He's the same person? What caused him to leave then?

I honestly think that if we go through Christmas, new years and his Birthday separated, then I will give up.

Don't get me wrong - I am very pro marriage. But at this point what I see is that he has all the control over you and you let him. Reality is, you give him the control. You are still in shock to some degree. I know that feeling. It [censored].

Here's my thought. So far he is in control and he has left you. You are following him (emotionally) like a puppy dog hoping to be pet. He has no fear of losing you and feels in control. Very liberating to some people.

What happens if you were to leave him? Shut off communications with him or delay them? Not hang on his every word? Then what happens?

I'm not suggesting being mean. I'm not suggesting being rude or angry. I'm suggesting breaking all ties with him and keeping anything else to just business. Before you tear yourself to pieces worrying about somebody who left.

AJ

[Soul.Searching]

He was the same person who I was married to just with " no attachment" to me.

Really? He's the same person? What caused him to leave then?

See this is one thing that really confuses me. It was like he was still "him" but actually taking responsibility for thing. His never been good with money but now he tells me everything he is paying. ( I don't really know how much is true though.) he is doing everything he enjoys. It's like his still him but without the responsibility of fatherhood ( except every second weekend.) the H I knew would never have done this to me. He has wanted to be with me since I can remember but it wasent until I was sixteen that I started dating him.

The hard part with my sitch is that he seemed to change once we were married. D was born 3 months after our wedding. I was just 19 and he was 21. People used to see his wedding ring and comment on how he looked way too young to be married. I think he started to resent me.

That was 9 years ago though. He has been honestly like a split personally since then. He can be the nicest guy ever but then he can be the biggest arse ever and can "turn" in a second. He does everything for everybody. (except for us) he has trouble saying no to people. Basically that day he seemed just like himself. Except a "healthier" version. Sounded like he has his life all mapped out.

I honestly think that if we go through Christmas, new years and his Birthday separated, then I will give up.

Don't get me wrong - I am very pro marriage. But at this point what I see is that he has all the control over you and you let him. Reality is, you give him the control. You are still in shock to some degree. I know that feeling. It [censored].

Here's my thought. So far he is in control and he has left you. You are following him (emotionally) like a puppy dog hoping to be pet. He has no fear of losing you and feels in control. Very liberating to some people.

What happens if you were to leave him? Shut off communications with him or delay them? Not hang on his every word? Then what happens?

I'm not suggesting being mean. I'm not suggesting being rude or angry. I'm suggesting breaking all ties with him and keeping anything else to just business. Before you tear yourself to pieces worrying about somebody who left.

AJ

I have done this and at first it made him concider trying again. Then he just stopped calling/ messaging and didn't reply/ answer me!
I have stopped calling unless its about the children. If I don't answer my phone he gets really angry. He is the kind of person who wants to feel wanted. He wants little text messages and stuff. Even asked me to send him "love letters" by text when he wanted to try again.

I fear that me doing what you suggest may push him further away. If we can't be together I'd at least like us to stay friends for the kids sake. I just don't know what to do right now.

[Soul.Searching]

Sorry that post is all messed up with the quotes lol

[Soul.Searching]

H came around today to pick up his fishing rods and golf clubs. He was taking things out if the shed to get to the things he needs. When he was done he was putting everything back in and the kids had hung their bogey boards by the string. H was saying really kids and without thinking I said " you will miss that one day" "he said I already do" I think he got offended but I didn't mean it like that.


He was trying to decide weather to take a chair because he probably wouldn't use it because he would probably be boat fishing. ( I miss our boat) I said well knowing you if your boat fishing for a bit and don't catch anything you will end up bank fishing. He smiled and said " you know me too well" and went and got it.

He was talking about his fucture and how he is buying a motorbike soon. (He has always wanted one.) and how he is thinking of staying at his Mums for a year and saving up to but his own place instead of renting. I said "I don't know that's your decision" he looked a little said when I said that.

He is pretty sure he will be buying/ renting up there. (three hours away.) so basically that means that we have no hope in trying to piece our relationship together. I'm not pulling my kids out of school and leaving everything/ one behind to try to fix our relationship, when he could very well turn around and do the same thing again!

I need to look after me and my kids first. This has been hard enough on us. I can't imagine putting my children through all that, moving so far away, changing schools and then have this happen all over again.

I guess that means that chances are, it really is over. There still is the slightest hope that he may move down here instead but I don't know. He seemed to have made up his mind. We will be okay though.

I guess I should be thankful for the love we had. For the thirteen years we shared together. I love him so much but ultimately I want him to be happy. If that means me being hurt than so be it. I just so wish my kids being hurt too didn't have to be a conceerquence of his actions.

I have learnt that the hardest person to forgive, is quite often ourselves. I forgive me! I forgive me for any and all of my past mistakes. You know what? I'll take them as me not having the life experience to know how to deal with certain situations. That's not important now, what's important is that I learn from my mistakes. Now that I do have those life experiences I choose to learn and grow from them. That's what I think is important.


He cuddled me twice before he went. Long meaningful cuddles (or so it seemed) he kissed me on the neck last time too. He had a strange look in his eyes. Sadness? Guilt? Regret? A mixture? I love him and I miss him and I wish things were different but their not.

His going away for work for three weeks. That will be the longest I have ever gone without seeing him.

I know now that I will be okay. So will my kids.

[AnotherStander]

I'm starting to think there really isn't any hope for us. I need to concentrate on GAL, my children and myself. I can't live with the hope of us getting back together. It's just too painful.

Based on your signature it looks like BD was around 6 weeks ago, so please understand you are just at the very beginning of this whole process. These situations normally takes many months to resolve, sometimes years (mostly when MLC is involved). Patience is critical in DB'ing, and holding onto hope when your spouse seems so cold and distant is difficult but necessary. I know you're still waiting on DR to arrive, but rest assured when you read it you will have more hope because you'll come to realize that most of what you're going through is pretty typical. A lot of M's have reconciled after going through similar events to yours.

I spoke to my IC today and she told me I'm all about him. She wants me to write him a letter and explain things.

Don't send it though, it's just to help you sort through your thoughts.

His Mum left him and his sister with their Dad when H was the same age as S is now. His grandmother also left his Dad with his Grandfather when he was still young. I think he might of been scared of history repeating itself but if that's the case, then he ultimately made it repeat, except just the man leaving this time. He did have a crappy childhood starting from the age our S is now. I am wondering if this has anything to do with it.

Doesn't matter. DB'ing is all about leaving the past behind and working on the future. It's solution-based, solve the problems and move forward into a newer, better relationship (hopefully with H).

I just wish he would wake up and see what he is doing to ALL of us. I know I need to just worry about me and my children right now. I just wish I could help him and be there for him.

He will wake up, but on his own schedule. The best way you can help him right now is to give him time and space.

I love him so much but ultimately I want him to be happy. If that means me being hurt than so be it. I just so wish my kids being hurt too didn't have to be a conceerquence of his actions.

It is very likely that he will NOT be happy. Right now he's confused and letting his emotions tell him what's "right". But what he doesn't realize is that he can't run away from sadness or run to happiness, because all emotions come from within. Wherever he goes, there he will be. That's why he needs space and time, to figure this out for himself.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Anotherstander. Certainly a lot to think about.

My IC actually wanted me to send it. I was telling her about D9 saying to me that even though he has been taking them to heaps of places, that he hasent been spending time with them. He has been playing on his phone the whole time.
She seemed to think this definitely meant he was seeing someone else. Told me how evil iPhones are because they are a great tool to help people have A and meet new people. Portable dating sites basically.


I'm definitely trying to give him space and time but he is making it hard. He actually had a go at me a couple of weeks ago because I had not been getting the kids to call him. WTF! I told him that I have told the kids more than once that they can ask me whenever they want to call him. I also told him he is more than welcome to call me, anytime he wants to talk to them. Apparently he thinks that's not good enough. I should be getting them to call him every night so he can say goodnight to them. WTF?

[Soul.Searching]

So I finally got my car back today! I messaged H to tell him because he had asked me to tell him when I got it back.
There's an important piece of paper that I need. I thought H still had it but apparently not. He asked me if I had checked a certain place and I said " Yes, I went through there a week ago, that's where all the papers came from that I gave back to you" He said "oh" and sounded taken back and kind of upset. WTF?

He also started telling me what I should/ should not be doing regarding a certain situation. Then he said well I can't tell you want to do but that's what I think.

I also noticed how unrealistic some of the things he says are and have been for as long as I can remember. He was saying how he could save X amount of dollars by X amount of time. I didn't reply but realistically going by his wage, he could almost do that if he didn't spend ANY of it for that whole time and would still be a little short. It just goes to show he really has no idea!!

There was also something quite disturbing. I have dogs that I have had since they were puppies. Two are going to have to be put down soon and he called and said he had a friend who could shoot them for me, to save money!!! Was saying how one single bullet to the head is humane. Obviously I declined but it kinda hurts that he can think like that. Is it just me or is that just horrible?

[AJM]

I don't think that's horrible. Death is death, but I get what you're saying and why you feel that way.

As for the letter - if your IC wants you to send it, do you have anything to lose? I mean really? Your IC may know more than others do about your situation. I'm a big fan in leaving nothing unsaid, myself. I see life as short and I know in my case, I waited a bit before saying things. I found that holding them back was far more inhibiting to me regardless of what my ex did or did not do. My ex was/is on her own path and what I said or did not say made little difference. I don't think that's the case with you.

Have you read the five love languages? I'm not a huge fan, but it has some interesting thoughts that might be of use to you.

Prayers to you, Lisa.7. And your family. He has a lot of growing to do...

AJ

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks AJ.
It was just a shock to hear. Gave me a visual that I didn't want. I just couldn't let it be done. I'm thinking maybe that is a bit of a mean are from mars thing.

I'm still kind of emotional inside right now. I'm slowly but surly getting better though.

Honestly I don't think he is ready to hear what she wanted me to write. She wanted me to tell him my theories about how he didn't want history to repeat itself but that he made it happen. Just the man leaving instead of the woman. Especially if it is a MLC. He needs to figure that out by himself if it is true.


No I haven't read the five love languages. Money is pretty short for me right now. I did buy a second hand book yesterday. How to heal your broken heart. I had only read a little bit when H turned up to collect stuff. It did have some things that made me think. Just as I started typing this my copy of DR turned up. So I think I will read that one first.

I really do appreciate the replied. It helps a lot to see other people POV.