How do we live "together separate"?

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry for the hi-jack, but I wanted to respond to Lisa concerning authority figure.

Authority figure is any adult, wife, spouse, parents, supervisor, etc., that represents responsibiility and may very well voice a negative opinion or stop the mlcer from doing what he/she wants. You have to remember that your spouse is rebelling and doesn't want to be an adult in the true sense of the word at this time. He's returned back to where he was stunted emotionally, most likely by a parent or both parents. It could even be a teacher or another relative that has done this, but the validation and affirmation were not made available to them at that age.

By telling them how their ctions affect us and make us feel is also telling them what to do or not do. Keep in mind that when dealing w/an mlcer everything is going to be the opposite of what you would have done pre-crisis. If you tell them you don't like something, in their minds, it is perceived as them them not to do it. They hate authority and they hate people telling them what to do....why? Because it is called being responsible and respectful to others....they haven't grown up enough to understood this yet, but as they move along the mlc path, hopefully they will figure it out and be the person you once knew or even better.

The more you point things out to them that are distasteful to them, the more they are going to pull away. It's the push/pull game that we all play at the beginning until we learn to just leave them alone and give them plenty of space to work on themselves.

Just remember, the person you are looking at may be the correct physical body, the being inside isn't at this time. You are dealing with a young child/teenager who needs to find his/herself. It's difficult to visualize this, but it's the only way you'll be able to detach and allow them to figure things out.

Thanks Snodderly. I think that is one of my biggest downfalls. I try to look at things from his perspective when really I don't understand it at all. Even if I did, unless verbalized no one can truly see things from someone's perspective.
The hard thing with my H is he never did seem to "grow up" there were moments here and there but they never lasted long.

I guess unless the person is one to communicate, then you never really know them, no matter how close you though/ think you are.