If you work on yourself you won't have "those terrible waves of pain" for years. You will come out of this a stronger woman and mother. Someone your kids can be proud to call mother.
Write some goals, that's the first step. I'm sorry you've been unwell but maybe writing goals will help you feel a bit better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss