She asked me this morning how my night was, I said fun. Then after breakfast in the car with the kids she said we have to have a talk. I said ok. She said it was unloving of me to do what I did last night, we just got a new puppy and she said it was insensitive of me to just leave her and the kids with the new puppy.
Well I guess you can see now that this didn't work. GAL isn't about just walking out on your family on a whim. There's nothing wrong with being a little mysterious, but you still have to respect your W and tell her if you're making plans to go out. Give her a few days notice next time. If she asks you where you're going just say "out with some friends", be a little vague. But don't just walk out the door again with no notice.
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Also, she asked me how I would feel if she just got dressed up and left me with the kids at night without telling me where she was going and no preparation. I said she walls me off, tells me to give her space every night and it wouldn't make much of a difference
Wrong reaction. You need to validate her emotions. A better response would have been "you sound frustrated, I'm sorry you feel that way, I thought you might like the space but I see now that this upset you and I won't do it again without letting you know in advance. Would that be better?" Instead you placed blame on her. She no doubt read this as "more of the same" behavior.
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She's looking at the attractive young men out on the street while we're driving.
That sounds like mind-reading. Mind-reading leads to assumptions and bitterness.
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The balance of tough love is very difficult, I hate the game I have to play, but nothing I've done so far has changed our sitch.
Detachment is not tough love, and it's not a game. You have to LOVINGLY detach. That means do NOT be cold and indifferent as it sounds like you have been. It simply means pulling back, giving your W time and space to think, dropping your expectations, but being available if she wants to talk. And if/ when she wants to talk, then you be a fantastic listener. Make eye contact, nod, lean forward, validate her emotions. From one of Michele's books:
-- successful DBers cherish their spouse and show a great deal of compassion. They almost always keep their pain to themselves... they "act as if" things are normal in their life. -- successful DBers are outstanding listeners. They let their spouse do 80% of the talking when there is dialog. When they speak they speak 'lovingly' with candor and honesty. -- successful DBers validate their spouse's feelings even when they disagree with them.
Ask yourself if you're being compassionate towards your wife in your detachment.
