Tori you are right of course. I acted really stupid today. I sort of don't care. Really. I care about protecting myself and my kids. If nothing else, once I go to an attorney I can file a separation agreement and establish boundaries that so far he has ignored. I will go as soon as I can get in. If it is next week then so be it. If they can do it tomorrow that is good too. I really do not want anything to do with him at this point. I have made other arrangements for the kids and will not deviate and give in to him any longer. I do need to calm down. Frankly, not sure if I will. I have never been so angry. At least I am not a weak weeping mess. That's something at least. Thank you for your support and good advice. I truly do believe in DB in most cases. I just feel in my own there is nothing left. I know what the research says about divorce and children but I also know it cannot be any better for them to have such a terrible example of what being married is like. I do not want my kids to think this is normal or model the behavior they have seen.
I hear you, MKB. I think you're doing the right thing. What I want to emphasize is to understand that you can do this one step at a time. Create a list. Don't try to do everything at once. It is really overwhelming...I know. FYI, the separation agreement is not a quick thing. It takes almost as much work as a D. So if you know this is what you want, just file for D and the automatic court orders will immediately protect you and the kids. Thinking about you...
So the last two days have been contentious to say the least. I had thought I was done. Now I am not sure. I contacted several attorneys. Basically, separation agreements are not very common here. They are more than happy to file a divorce. Not sure how I feel about that. Correction, I don't want that. I said a lot of things out of anger the last couple days. Unfortunately, I cannot take them back. I can't undo it. As I said H has been seeing XW1. They had no children and basically both cheated. He told me today that he cheated on her with me. I had no idea. I thought they had split up. They were divorced but apparently they were trying to get back together. I really had no idea. So that has me very very very concerned. I don't know what to do. I was hoping for some advice. We have been at each others throats.
A couple of issues- 1. I feel like he has not really had any consequences or even had the chance to miss not just me but the kids either. 2. How can I work on him missing us when I actually do need for him to keep the kids often? 3. How in the world should I handle this XW sit? I am beside myself. Truly. I just don't know what to do. My instinct is that it will fall apart naturally but of course I can't be certain. We just had a somewhat civil conversation. Hoping it will last. I need help to DB with a vengeance. My biggest problems- my mouth- I allow myself to be drawn in. I need ways to distract myself. I have a tendency to dwell and stew. I need to show him yet again I am the better option. lol I really believe he chose me once and I can get him to choose me again. I really need help in focusing. One of the problems as I see it- He sees me as being demanding or nasty. All the time. It is almost like a skewed perception. Often, I am not feeling that way or even think I am projecting myself that way. Suggestions on how to 180 those would be nice too. Anyone up for it?
Oh, MKB. I can see how you're going through all the range of emotions. My advice is the same: give yourself some time. Really figure out what your bottom line is. If he violates the bottom line and you don't follow up, you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain and hurt in the future. Why not just take a few days to digest this stuff and think about it. I would still select a L just in case. I don't like the fact that he seems to have a lieing/cheating pattern. I mean, you know him better, but that's my impression looking at this from the outside. Give yourself time. Never rush into anything. Hugs to you.
(((MKB23))) I am thinking of you. I agree with Tori - no rush - you have plenty of time. Really you do. Reread the 37 rules at the top of this forum decide which ones you really need to bring into the light so to speak to help you focus on what not to do around H.
Dwelling and stewing? Exercise helps me as it gets me out of the house - change of scene. So does sorting out my wardrobe, anything where my mind has to focus on something other than my sitch.
No matter when he sees you, even if it's often due to kids, you have to be the best you, you can present - that will give you PMA
So some updates. Not sure how but today was much less argumentative. He actually listened to me. Yes. Really. He texted. Ha! Problem was- I couldn't decipher what he was saying. So I called and asked for clarification. He even apologized as he knew it was gibberish. One of the things that came out of the other day is I told him that I had also voiced the need to not have so much contact and that he had not respected that. In addition, I did not like him showing up unannounced and just begin rummaging in things. As far as I was concerned this is MY home now by default and it feels invasive to come home and find him here going through things. I do not mind in the least that he gets his things. It was the manner in which he was going about it that I had problems with. So anyway, he texted and asked if he could come get some things. Even though they were outside and in the other outbuildings he actually came to the door and told me, "I wanted you to know I was out here getting some things. I am not sneaking around." The last part was a little passive aggressiveness but still it's okay. It's an improvement. As for me- I obviously knew he was out there and what he was doing and I did not pursue him in any way. I didn't even get up and look out the window. Previously I would have looked and more than likely gone out to talk. I also did not do anything differently. I kept on doing what I needed to do for me at the moment. I did not ask questions. I did not inquire to anything. I did not wave goodbye or go out to say it. He didn't come tell me he was leaving but that's okay too. I have already heard that more times than I care to. So I feel better. Not great. A long far way from great. However, it does help me when he isn't here. It also seems to help the kids. Ironically, we (the children and I) had a conversation about him last night. It was brought up by my son saying he didn't want to move back to my hometown. He didn't want to live with H but he felt this was his home. So this opened a dialogue for us all. I basically told him I have no idea what is going to happen. They all voiced that they would like us to get back together. Funny though, they also said, "but not like before. If things could be different." So we discussed that a little bit. I explained that I feel that marriage is a promise not only to your spouse but to God. For the time being I am not going to do anything. Just waiting to see. Worry about them and myself and maybe in time things would change. We also then discussed the things they would like in their father changes they would like to see in our home and their lives. We also talked about the things I would like to have in a H. They all understood that maybe H will be able to do that in the future but maybe not. It was a great relief. I had been worrying so much about them that it just compounded things so much more. They also seem to be adopting some of the DB principles. Maybe they are just modeling/emulating. It was really amazing. I know they still have the emotions and trauma. However, it seems as though they are in a pretty good frame of mind all things considered. So those are my minor victories for this part of the day. My school has just fallen apart. Although to be honest, it is no fault of my own. There have been some positive signs! Yay score one for the good guys. My grandparents are better and will be home by the end of the week. My cousin will be moving in as their caregiver. So all the way around it is good news. I'm hopeful. I met with a couple of former instructors last night who tend to be much more spiritual than I am. They really helped me to sift through and see what is important to me. So despite my cycling back through with the ranting, raging, and crying- I am standing. I hate this incredible cycle of emotions. Please talk me down next time. Unfortunately, there will likely be a next time. I have also started to identify physical manifestations of my anger in addition to the other issues.
MKB, things seem to be a little more stable. Now you can take the time to really think about what's going on and what you want to do next. Remember the whole thing about bottom lines? This one is a must to think about. Sending you positive energy and peace...
Yes. I have been thinking. I don't even know. I feel like it is hopeless. I was doing okay but now I am obsessing again. I need other things to do. Seriously.
Just take it slow. Nothing needs to be decided today. Find something that will distract you for a while. A good movie or soap, a call to a friend (not to talk about your sitch), a pedicure or massage.
Thanks crazy! I am taking it slow. I do feel hopeless though. Overwhelmingly. The problem is the whole imagining what is going on thing. So I need to just do something else. anything.
