I hear you Lisa. There is nothing FAIR about the whole MLC situation. I find it helpful to remember - to think of my H as mentally afflicted at this time. Reasoning capacity of the MLCer is limited at best, can't expect them to maturely, rationally react to ANYTHING. So give them as little to react to as possible.

The DB method is hard hard hard. In large part because it expects the LBS to stand so very alone re the spouse. To me, its like seeing H walk around with a big double headed spear in his back. The spear hurts him and me (and us) but counter intuitively the only way to get rid of the spear is to leave it alone - can't even explain to H why he's having such pain (he can't see the spear and thinks I'm the crazy one when I tell him about it...)

Good luck to you.

Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.