Riding the Bull

[25yearsmlc]

if you are taking anti-anxiety meds, I can see why you'd take them "as needed". But if you are taking anti-depressants, that's a daily thing you take, that builds up over time.

Yeah, you are right, I'm on anti-anxiety meds (Xanax) but I'll talk again to my doctor cause it doesn't seem to work for too long.
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Likewise, the weight loss is welcomed right now but I hope I've lost all I ha to lose. Any more and it'll be too much. I started off at 75KG an I'm now at 63 KG. That's more than 25 lbs.

And as a parent, our children need us MORE at these times, not less.

Know what I mean? To my kids I must have seemed preoccupied when H was leaving or gone or not sure what he was doing...I wasn't fully present for my kids,

Yes I know and I live it too. Just the basic stress of trying to start over in this place is enough to preoccupy me but add to that the present sitch and I know D8 is not always getting the best of me she should.

and the anti anxiety meds helped to keep me in check, so I could be with my kids and focus on them. Make sense?

Yes, I understand and that is why I asked my doctor for this but I'm not much of a med taker and it worries me that I have to be down to this.

Thanks 25.

I get your reluctance to take these meds. But if they're not for this, what are they for? (Deaths I guess).

Yes xanax is a fast but short acting anti=anxiety medication (of the family of meds known as the benzodiazepine family).It's a shorter acting cousin of valium.

Anti depressants are more varied but then again so is depression. But most folks around here get serontonin related meds, and most folks say they help.

I found that they helped me a lot when I was in grief.

Later on, the side effect of a lower libido began to matter but for obvious reasons was not noticeable for some time. (And some anti-depressants do not have that effect, btw)

To sum up, I needed both anti anxiety meds and anti-depressants for awhile.

At first it bothered my ego./ But then I said, "so what?" So I let my ego take a small hit and boy, it was worth it.

I think my ego would have been hit a lot harder if I'd "lost it" in front of the kids or been pathetic around my h. (And I'd already had enough of that.)

Taking the meds helped me avoid that. And to compartmentalize and yes, to detach, even if only for a few hours at a time.

Many around here do/did take both. Arsene, this is not permanent.

And it did help me avoid making things worse. Maybe I would not have taken them if I didn't have children, but I do, and they needed me and I wasn't able to be there for them the way I wanted to, without some more help.

IN today's world, there are a ton of resources if we know where to look. Why not avail yourself of them?

Good luck buddy! It does get better. (We're not lying.)

Any more GAL things?

[AnotherStander]

Later on, the side effect of a lower libido began to matter but for obvious reasons was not noticeable for some time. (And some anti-depressants do not have that effect, btw)

The A/D I'm on (Viibryd) is reported to not affect labido, it was hard to tell at first because depression DOES affect labido so it's easy to blame the med's rather than the depression.

To sum up, I needed both anti anxiety meds and anti-depressants for awhile.

I did too. As you mentioned the A/D's have to be taken every day and it takes 3 to 6 weeks for the body to adjust to them and for them to really work their magic, but for me when they finally started to take effect it made a huge difference. I still feel down about my sitch of course (especially on the weeks I don't have the kids), but it's quite manageable now. I function normally at work and home and enjoy my hobbies again. Before the A/D's I was a complete mess, couldn't get anything done at work, endless crying, etc. etc.

For a while I had to take benzos whenever I had an anxiety attack, but whereas A/D's are not addictive, benzos are so I was really paranoid about them. I tried to take them only when I had to. As I adjusted to the A/D's I needed the benzos less and less. At this point I don't have anxiety attacks at all and I haven't taken a benzo in well over a month.

At first it bothered my ego./ But then I said, "so what?" So I let my ego take a small hit and boy, it was worth it.

I agree completely. I've never taken long-term meds for anything and didn't want to start, but I sucked it up and now I can't imagine anything helping my DB'ing more than the A/Ds have. It's so much easier to have a PMA and to act "as if" when you're not constantly trying to dig out of depression.

Many around here do/did take both. Arsene, this is not permanent.

Exactly, since A/D's aren't addictive you can get off of them once your sitch stablizes. It's not a good idea to go cold turkey, but you can reduce the amount each week and taper off of them in a month or so.

[Starsky309]

Anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds (one daily, "maintenance" one and one for an "as-needed"/crisis situation) were a HUGE help for me in my sitch. Just kinda helped "even me out," as it were.

There's no shame in this at all, and yes, you can always get off them later, Arsene.


Starsky

[Arsene]

Thanks everyone. I see I'm not the only one who has struggled with this and what you guys have gone through gives me hope that I'll be fine. I'll talk to my doctor in the morning re: a good anti depressant

So far, it seems that the Xanax I've been on has had the opposite effect. I've been feeling more depressed and I've had thoughts I don't feel comfortable bringing up here. Nothing I plan to act on but the mere thought of it troubles me.

I got home from work today and W was here (actually, she was out wit D8). I really didn't feel well. I was sleepy to the point that the drive home was difficult. I skipped dinner and went straight to bed (at 18:00). By the time W got home, she was concerned and came in to see if I was ok. My answers were very short. I just said I wasn't feeling well and she offered to give me a massage.

I didn't reply and she came in the room with oil and gave me a full body massage (I was in my underwear). The lights were off and thank god for that. I was in tears to whole time. It was nothing intimate, just a massage but to feel here hands on me was too much to take.

D8 brought me a nice "get well" card she'd made and that also chocked me up. On the front was a drawing of D8 and me. No sign of our happy family.

I still don't know what to make of my entire sitch but one think I read that 25 has written lately rung a bell. At one point, she realized she'd be ok, even without H and that was a turning point in her. I need to make myself get there.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Arsene, That must have been very tough. I can only imagine the whirlwind of emotions that must have brought out in you. I won't try to dissect it for you, but I just wanted to let you know that we feel for what you must be going through.

As for 25's comment on being okay without S... Well she's certainly damn right about that... But let's not fool ourselves into thinking there's a shortcut to "get there". That's something that, I feel (and I REALLY hope I'm right about this!) simply is a byproduct of the hard work we're all doing here. The more we're able to detach, to GAL, to make our 180s completely natural, the further down the road we get.

For the very first time in my sitch, this last weekend, I had a few moments (literally, just a few moments) of "You know what? I'll be just fine without W". And of course, to balance that out, I spent a few hours being very melancholy and heavily missing W... but the fact that there were just a few moments of that though let me know that what I'm doing is working to change my mental state and dependency...

And I'm sure you will get there too if you keep on the path.

Godspeed Arsene. And I hope you feel better post-haste!

[Denver_2010]

I just said I wasn't feeling well and she offered to give me a massage.

I didn't reply and she came in the room with oil and gave me a full body massage (I was in my underwear). The lights were off and thank god for that. I was in tears to whole time. It was nothing intimate, just a massage but to feel here hands on me was too much to take.

Consider trying wellbutrin. Was the one that worked for me.

Why would you subject yourself to this Arsene? You're setting yourself up to be hurt when you make choices like this. Also, you continue to let your W know that you are just there waiting for her.

I still don't know what to make of my entire sitch but one think I read that 25 has written lately rung a bell. At one point, she realized she'd be ok, even without H and that was a turning point in her. I need to make myself get there.

That's the place to be. Hard to get there though.

[tori2012]

Arsene, a few thoughts--again, it's my point of view, and this might not apply to you, but I care about you, and want to put this down:
-I'm not a fan of antidepressants. Doctors are quick to prescribe them, but they can have terrible consequences. There is a woman who's started a whole movement to write warning labels on them. This after her H committed suicide when he was put on the meds. I wish I remembered the website. Wayne Dyer talked about it. I thought I would let you know. Can you at least do your own research? During the worst of my sitch, I felt really, really down. I wished somebody would come and give me a magic pill to die. Yes, and it happened many times during the past 2 years. I felt as though life had no meaning. But I picked myself up without meds. Therapy, a coach, a book, friends, your daughter, all those elements can help.
-Xanax is a depressant of the nervous system, only to be taken when anxious, not sad. Careful, please.
-Don't force yourself "to get there." You will, in time. Never "make" yourself do anything. Be kind and loving to yourself.
-Don't do stuff that will make you feel worse in the end (i.e. massage.) I'm so glad I stopped being intimate with my H when he announced he wanted a D (at least the last time, in April.) The previous times, I continued doing it, and it caused a lot of emotional scarring, esp bc right in the middle of it he would say things like, "This might be our last time." I wonder if he got a rush out of my feelings of suffering. I wonder that a lot. When I wonder this, I feel better about where I am in my sitch.
Hang in there, friend.

[Arsene]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of advice but mostly, for your presence.

I've been going through something I don't understand right now. I get over-flooded by emotions I though I'd dealt with. Stuff I thought I'd accepted, and now I can't seem to be able to take it, or let go of it.

I canceled my work today, had D8 taken to school, and I've been locked in my room all morning crying like a frickin' baby. It doesn't make sense, I know but I can't seem to be able to stop it. I'm off the Xanax as I suspect it might be the cause of this. I don't know. It's just more than I can handle now.

Sorry, I assure you this is not me feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what it is. I'll report back later.

Thanks for listening,

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone for your kind words of advice but mostly, for your presence.

I've been going through something I don't understand right now. I get over-flooded by emotions I though I'd dealt with. Stuff I thought I'd accepted, and now I can't seem to be able to take it, or let go of it.

I canceled my work today, had D8 taken to school, and I've been locked in my room all morning crying like a frickin' baby. It doesn't make sense, I know but I can't seem to be able to stop it. I'm off the Xanax as I suspect it might be the cause of this. I don't know. It's just more than I can handle now.

I doubt it's the xanax CAUSING the tears, b/c it usually ended or slowed my down. But it's not an "upper happy pill". It's a calming "depressant" and is mainly for sleep and anxiety.

Your ADs may kick in soon. How long have you been on them?

My worst times were when I stared at my fears and believed they were real. Like that I'd never be loved again OR that I had blown it or was a shrew of some type. Maybe that's where you are now? It passes but more importantly,

You have come here and you've exposed yourself, warts and all.

You are facing some tough things but with dignity, bravery and strength. Maybe a bit of stubborness but I think that helps.

And Arsene, the thing is, you are 'naked' here among us. We see you for who you really are, and hey, we are all still here, rooting for you anyhow.

what does that tell you?



Sorry, I assure you this is not me feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what it is. I'll report back later.

Thanks for listening,

Keep us posted.

And don't guilt yourself about the meds. They are NOT a sign of weakness and the side effects (like reduced libido) were such a non issue for me when my dad died compared to how I felt Not taking them. Besides, we still ML b/c I wanted the intimacy and sex is about a lot more than actual libido. BUT in time, sure I felt well enough to stop them and I did. Not a biggie.

Denver, funny you suggested wellbutrin. I tried that in Alaska (for the weird sluggish melancholy I felt in the long dark days, which I guess is SAD)

and it helped with that. Felt like long acting coffee. But when my dad died, I was REALLY sad and could not concentrate on my new job OR interact and focus with the kids, and found the SSRIs were most helpful. Wellbutrin had no negative effect on the libido but if I'd felt anxiety, I think it would not have been the right one for me then.

I share this Arsene b/c diff people feel diff depths and types of sadness and grief and depression. And there are vastly different meds for each so if this one does not work for you then discuss it with your doctor.

I hear and respect Tori's issues with the meds but feel you have already expressed your wariness. You are not the type to abuse them or stay on them longer than needed. (And A lot more suicide is prevented by ADs than caused.) Don't let yourself feel worse about it or be swayed by anecdotes of the exception to the rule. It's NOT weak to take them.

And like I said, but it bears repeating,

we are here rooting for a man who made some mistakes in his marriage but is facing his life and heartbreak more bravely than 90% of people ever do.

You post to us here and you come "emotionally naked".

We see you warts and all, we have come to know you and like I said,

we still care. You can't possibly really be the unlovable monster you fear. It's just not so.

Keep on keeping on.

[AnotherStander]

I've been going through something I don't understand right now. I get over-flooded by emotions I though I'd dealt with. Stuff I thought I'd accepted, and now I can't seem to be able to take it, or let go of it.

The same thing happened to me. After BD I thought I had come to accept the situation and that everything would be fine no matter if the M would survive or not. I really thought I had been through the worst of it. Then about 2 months later I suddenly found myself spiralling downward into the lowest place in my entire life. I also had my first ever anxiety/ panic attack, it lasted days. I was getting up in the morning and getting ready for work, then going back to bed before even finishing getting dressed. I was totally convinced my family would be better off without me, after all they'd have the life insurance, etc. etc. It was that bad. I think the worst thing during that period was when I laid on the couch and S9 laid down with me. He hugged me and told me he was sorry I was sick, I hugged him back but I felt so totally empty inside I had no feelings towards him at all. No love, nothing. I was a shell. After 3 days with just a few hours total sleep I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe situational depression and put on the A/D's and benzos. The next week was awful, the benzos were helping me sleep but I was waking up dizzy (could barely walk) and confused and still felt severely depressed. I really wanted to quit the A/D's because I felt like they were causing more problems. I called the doc and she convinced me to stick it out. Like I said above, it took 3 weeks to really start feeling better and 5 or 6 weeks before things stabilized and I was feeling pretty much like my pre-BD self. I also learned the benzos were causing the dizziness in the mornings, and that taking the A/D's in the evenings was keeping me from sleeping (thus the need for the benzos). So I started taking the A/D's in the morning and after that was able to sleep without the benzos. After stopping the benzos I was waking up feeling pretty much normal.

That may be more info than you wanted, but I'm just trying to point out that A) the med's don't always work right away and B) sometimes changes are needed to find the right balance for you.

I can completely sympathize with where you are, I remember it quite vividly. Please, get help. Don't try to do this alone. Rest assured that it will get better, a LOT better. I know it's small consolation when you're in the middle of it, but it is absolutely true. Your feelings of self-worth will return. I get so much love and pleasure from hugging my kids now that I can scarcely believe that I was that empty shell just a few months ago. That was a horrible place to be.