The crack in my perfect life...

[AnotherStander]

Tell him that while you understand what he's going through, he will not speak to you like that any more. That he has his issues to sort out and that's fine, but to not take them out on you or your children any longer.

When it comes to that, you start standing strong.

^^^^This!! That reaction was completely outrageous as a result of a small comment about some gray in his beard. Text him the above and don't reply to any more rants. I think I'd suggest to him that he needs to apologize to your D as well. Then you might suggest to D not to reply to anything else from him unless it's an apology (but tell her you're just suggesting it and it's up to her how she wants to handle it).

[Sweetbriar]

well..the weekend is here and they are so hard for me:( Im having a bad morning already, as I had a vivid dream that H was back home where he should be. My D has her first homecoming dance tonight and she is very excited! Im happy for her too...she will look beautiful and will have a great time...but her dad will not be here to see her:( He took her to her very first dance years ago...the father daughter dance...now she is so grown up. Events like this make me sad...but I know this is his choice and he is missing out, not me. I just dont know how Im supposed to handle the holidays around the corner...they are going to be so hard.

H had originally told the kids that he would be here on Christmas morning, but that isnt happening. Guess I will worry about that closer to the time. Right now my worries are the court date to finalize the seperation and that it goes smoothly. He has shown no effort to want to stop the seperation, so I have to move forward.

As far as the texts to me and Ds, he did text them last night and tell them he loved them...maybe that was his way of apologizing?? They were both out with friends and didnt think too much about it.

I am hoping that I can get through this weekend with a smile on my face...it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. I think that in the beginning, I was hopeful that he would come to his senses and change his mind...but now, the farthur along this goes and the more time that passes, I really think that he is done and moving on. I hope Im wrong and one day he wants to come back and be with his family, but honestly, he is sooo distant now that I think he really is at a point of no return. Its been 4 weeks now that he came back and begged me for another chance and I put the conditions on it and he said no. I guess that was my last shot at R according to him:(

Just kinda negative and sad today...

[longrun]

Sorry to read your post. Don't center your thoughts around H. Try to think of activities during the holidays you'll enjoy. Are there any relatives or friends you could visit or invite?

[Sweetbriar]

I got through yesterday! Kept busy, cleaning, busy with kids and then getting D ready for Homecoming! She look beautiful!! Thought of H a lot yesterday...woke up thinking about him and that continued throughout the day. These beautiful Fall days are the days that we would hang out, do some yard stuff, or just watch college football together.

After D headed to her dance, I went to our best friends house, across the street, for a bonfire and hang out. There were a few couples there, all of which were mutual friends of H and I. That was a hard...now that Im the single one and of course, hard because H was always there with me...the life of the party. He was brought up just a few times by friends...mostly the guys, asking if he had come to his senses. They are all so shocked as well at his decisions. They have known him for a long time and cannot believe that this is what he has chosen. They also asked me if he was still seeing OW, and of course, I have no idea. I was glad that I went, and stayed busy, but all of these outing are bittersweet.

When I picked up D from dance (late) she said she had and okay time. She then said to me that she felt really shitty. I asked why, because she looked stunning last night and she said, because dad never called or texted me all night. Then she said, I know he just doesnt care and that hurts a lot. This made me so sad. I know that this is HIS thing that he is doing, but he doesnt have to see or hear the disappointment in my kids like I do. He isnt here. It is NOT like him to not at least text them on the weekends and especially on her first dance. I feel so sad for her, but reassured her how great she looked, and that I am here for her always and that we cannot control what dad does now or if he calls.

I wanted so bad to text H and tell him what a mistake he had made with his D, but I didn't do it. He will know it time the mistakes he has made and he will have to live with them. I cannot help but to think that he was out having a blast last night and he totally forgot about D and her important night. This breaks my heart for her, and for me, as I am home doing all the mom things. He knows that I am responsible and would never let my kids down. I think that makes it easier on him to be gone because he knows we will be fine.

This morning, D came in my room and laid in my bed with me and said again, "well, dad never did call", like maybe she thought late last night he would. Then she said "he was probably out with his girlfriend and that makes me feel worse" I told her tha we dont know what dad does anymore. She said the he better not expect her to be nice when he does contact her. I told her that the next 2 wed nights (which is the night he comes and gets them) that we are busy...one night with a school function and the other with Halloween and she said that was fine, that she didn't need to see him the next 2 weeks.

I try hard to make sure their relationship stays okay, but when he pulls this stuff and doesnt call her on an important day, I cannot help her anger and frustration. He will have to deal with it himself. I cannot make it better for him. They were so extremely close before he left and this had been very hard on her. He was ALWAYS involved with the kids, no matter what.

Is this normal for a WAS to start to alienate his kids as well even when they were so close? Maybe this is punishment for her comments about him looking old? Who knows...I just dont know how his mind works anymore.

It is SO VERY HARD to watch a man who was all about his family and who was involved with everything we did walk away like nothing. It would be different if he wasnt ever involved, or if he didnt care before, but we were his life before...especially his girls...they were his everything. There were days in the past that he would text me and tell me how horrible he was feeling because he cannot see his kids everyday, but then, when stuff like this happens, I wonder if he was just full of it.

My last thought...Friday night, I was so sad. The kids were out with friends and I was home alone and very lonely. I thought to myself, I could NEVER live without my kids with me everyday. Then I started to think, how is H doing it? Not knowing what is going on in their lives every single day. So, I started to think, he must REALLY HATE ME to be able to leave and give that all up. To not want to work on us and make us a family again...

Its been almost 3 months since he has left us and moved out. I feel like I haven't gotten any better since day one:(

[Accuray]

Hi Sweetbriar,

I'm sorry the weekend is so difficult for you, I can relate.

I guess that was my last shot at R according to him:(

You're torturing yourself with the thought that if you had taken him back without conditions, you'd be better off. That is simply not true. Coming back home but continuing to go out drinking and pursuing other women would NOT be a shot at reconciling at all, it would just lead to more pain for you and a more painful eventual split. You did the right thing by NOT allowing him home if he was going to behave disrespectfully towards your marriage.

A couple things here -- I think it's okay to text H about your daughters when there is trouble as long as it's not just a pretense to contact H for your own sake. You are both still parents to your girls, and keeping him involved as a parent is fine as long as you keep it about the girls. i.e texting him "D is going to homecoming and would like to hear from you" would have been fine -- you're not expecting a response and it's not about you.

Secondly, you have an opportunity to teach your daughter an important relationship skill in dealing with men. In this instance, she had an unspoken expectation that her father would call. She didn't tell him to call in advance, or get a promise from him that he would call, she just expected it without verbalizing it. Then, when he didn't call, she got disappointed and has now resolved to punish him for it. All that happened without his knowledge or involvement. That's not her fault, it's a very common relationship dynamic, and obviously, her father SHOULD have called her.

That being said, if your daughter wants to talk to her father, she can call him! How about instead of being angry that he didn't call her last night, she called him instead and said "Dad, I'm heading off to homecoming, I'm looking forward to having a good time and I was just thinking of you." That conversation probably would have resulted in her getting the attention and affirmation she was looking for, and by the end, she would have disregarded the fact that she initiated the call, because her needs would have been met.

The book I recommended "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" talks about the fact that women often expect men to mindread, and that men are bad at it. Although it's possible that your H was out having fun and forgot, it's equally likely that he was home alone, thinking of your daughter, feeling guilty and not wanting to intrude. The point is, your daughter wouldn't know unless she reached out.

Now if there was explicit prior agreement that he would call and he did not, then everyone has a right to be angry and disappointed.

You can also now text H and tell him "D was disappointed that you didn't call her last night for homecoming, please reach out to her when you get the chance" and leave it at that.

I started to think, he must REALLY HATE ME to be able to leave and give that all up. To not want to work on us and make us a family again...

A lot of this is not about you at all -- it's about him. You are interpreting his actions to be a negative reflection on you when likely they are not. He is confused, sad, depressed, lost, and looking for answers. You've not given him a reason to hate you, so don't fear that.

Its been almost 3 months since he has left us and moved out. I feel like I haven't gotten any better since day one:(

I'm sorry to hear this Sweetbriar, time does heal, but the journey is a painful one. What have you done to make things better for yourself? What GAL activities are you pursuing? What personal goals have you set for yourself and how are you doing on them? What 180's have you done that you are most proud of?

The WAS can be victim to "catastrophic thinking" -- i.e. nothing will ever get better, no one will ever love me again, etc. etc. It's important to snap out of that because obviously it's not true.

One exercise to try -- rate how you are feeling on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is absolutely miserable and 10 is ecstatic. If you decide that you are a 2, then take a minute and examine why you're not a one. What is going well that makes things better than the next lowest number. It's very important not to skip this part, because it's tempting to just focus on why you're not a 10. Really take the time to understand what is good, and celebrate it. Then, ask what you will be *DOING* differently when you are one number higher. i.e., if I were at 3, I would be .... Then, start DOING those things, even if you don't feel like it yet. After a week or two, reassess. The point here is to focus on what you will be doing, not what you will be feeling. You can control what you do, but can't always control how you feel. How you feel, however, often reflects how you act, so lead with doing and have faith that feeling will follow.

Accuray

[Sweetbriar]

Acc..thanks for your response. I believe that you are correct about the phone call or text. Maybe I should have reached out and mentioned through text that he may want to contact her. Unfortunately, it got worse this morning after my post. D came downstairs crying, saying that H texted her and she responded that she was upset that he didnt text or call her last night and called him a sh*tty dad:( She also texted that she is pretty sure he was with his girlfriend.

I did not approve of this message, and thought it was harsh, but she had sent it already becuase she as angry. H then responded that he should have called but that he was busy with work all night and that he worked all day and all night with his head in a laptop. (of course, I dont believe this, but didnt say anything) and actually called my 14 yo D a "god da** ingrate". He has NEVER spoken to her like that. She was very upset. She wrote him back that he was a liar.

This was not the way I expected the convo to be when they did finally talk, so I guess I underestimated the anger she had over him not caring. He then continued to text her make excuse after excuse why he didnt call instead of just saying, Im sorry I didnt call or text you. Actions like this make me realize how far away he really is from the man I knew and the father they knew:(

About the GAling and 180's...I have been GAL the entire time he has been gone. I luckily have tons of friends and family who mean the world to me. I have always been a VERY social, active person, (which H hated sometimes that I always had to be busy) and have continued to remain that person even through this. My friends have been very helpful to make sure Im not falling apart at home all the time.

One 180 is that I have been working a TON. I used to work maybe 2 days a week as a sub teacher, and now I'm working almost every day of the week. This is something I will have to get used to eventually anyway, as I will have to go to work full time after the baby is born. The thing is, its been great working more to get me out and it makes the days fly by, but sub teaching can be feast or famine. Right now Im busy, but I could go weeks with only working 1 day a week...depending on the need for me. Im hoping to stay this busy at least through the holidays and then I can settle down more when the babys due date comes closer.

My personal goals seem to be harder to achieve right now. My self esteem really took a beating when H had the affair. I know that I am an attractive, fun loving girl, but sometimes it takes a lot to show that side of myself. I can tell you, that I have received more compliments on myself since H left than ever...and not just from people that know my situation. I have lost weight, or it could be the "pregnancy glow" (haha) but could I possibly look happier on the outside even though I'm falling apart on the inside? All my co workers at school tell me how well I'm taking all of this! They have no idea how sad I am on the inside, but I must hide it well!

I like your exercise idea! I'm going to try that for sure! I do believe that what you do can affect how you feel...for example, because of my current depression over my situation, cleaning and cooking have been LOW on my list of things I want to do...yesterday, I cleaned a lot and my house looked and smelled so good. It made my entire mood better and I even caught myself saying how beautiful of a home I do have when I'm keeping up with it!

Off to shop with my girls! Retail therapy is always nice:):)

[Sweetbriar]

OMG...have to VENT..big time....

Went to my moms for dinner after shopping with my girls! We had a great time...and laughed a lot. My mom is always great for making us smile.

Right when we were about to leave, H texts D. He hasn't contacted her all day since their argument this morning. He begins by telling her that he is angry at her and he hopes that she realizes how awful and dispicable she was to him. She responded NO. He then went back and forth with her about it and even my mom said out loud that he sounded like he was fighting with a high school girlfriend and this is his Daughter! He then said he was cutting off her cell phone for a few days for her disrepect. He did ask if he could come by our house since he was in town to pick up prescriptions for himself and she advised him we were not home. He asked where we were and she didnt answer. He then texted other D and asked where we were but she didnt answer. Really, he doesnt need to know where we are...

Now, I do not allow my kids to be disrespectful to adults, especially not their dad, but honestly, he has done nothing to deserve their respect lately. I did talk with her about it being disrespectful and her response was that he has done nothing but disrespect us since he left. I told D that I doubted that he would cut off her phone and he was just telling her that because he was angry. Well..we get home and he did cut off her phone. The next thing I know, Im getting texted...here is our conversation:

H: Hey- FYI-I turned off Ds phone just now for 3 days for her disrespectful attitude

Me: Im sorry you felt that was the right thing to do

H: I did. I sure hope you are not pumping her in regards to this. This is not your opportunity to get Brownie points with our children. Our disrepectful D needs to learn about consequences and boundaries. I understand that she is hurt...I knew you were behind this!

me: Thank you for your thoughts

H: I worked all Godda**ned day yesterday...I underestimated the importance of the dance but I was in the midst of very difficult work problems

Me: D told me..that's fine...i was here with her. She was stunning!

H: Whats your problem? You're unbelievable..I'm sad I missed it..it was a huge oversight on my part...I see you're really going to milk this for all its worth and use it to garner favor with them...and furthur alienate them from their father...I'm sorry you think that is the right thing to do

Me: I play no part...all I do is listen, hug them and wipe away the tears...They will always know I am here for them

h: Good for u...keep telling yourself that...I'm doing the best I can and am getting crapped on...I would see them everyday if I could

I did not respond after that...it was going no where. HE IS GETTING CRAPPED ON???? So, what happened was that he was upset at himself and somehow it ended up that it was my fault that D was upset??? Can anyone give me advice if I did anything wrong or said the wrong thing in texting? Am I crazy for thinking that he is crazy right now? I am willing to take the criticism if need be..I'm just floored that somehow this ended up my fault because I was there for her and he wasnt.

This was a terrible way to end the weekend...it has made me sooo angry at him that he can turn this around on me. Im the one who took her, picked her up, made sure to watch the clock while out with friends so I wasnt late, bought her dress and all the accessories, etc...and the one who is here every single day picking up the pieces of their broken hearts....UGGGG..

By the way, he NEVER asks to come here and see them except for Wed nights. He also had every chance to come back and make our family work and he would be with his kids every night. So, when he makes the comments that he would see them every night if he could...its total BS.

On another note...I mentioned earlier that he was in town picking up prescriptions...well, yesterday I got 2 calls from our pharmacy stating that he hadnt refilled his prescription in a long time and they were calling to inquire. I advised them that he could have taken them to another pharmacy and I gave them his cell # to call. I assumed that he had gotten new prescriptions and taken them to another place closer to where he is living now..but I guess he didn't. I guess he refilled them and picked them up tonight. This causes me concern, becuase H NEEDS his meds everyday and if he hasnt refilled teh scripts for awhile, he obviously hasnt been taking meds. Now, I know I cannot control this, BUT I really dont want my kids around him if he is not medicated...its a big deal when he isnt....just dont think I can prove this in court in 2 weeks:(

[Soul.Searching]

Can I ask what the mess are for? By the sounds of it, it's for mental reasons. If that's the case then that could be a huge reason this has come about.

I do understand your hurt but in MHO your doing more damage than good, both to your H and your D's. I haven't read your whole story yet and I know at some point you have to let your D's figure this out for themselves but I think you could have maybe texted H and told him how D was feeling. She may have even came to you, hoping you would text him. I know you shouldn't have to but maybe it would have prevented such a damaging event for your D. I know it's all trial and error and I know your only doing what you feel is right ( that's all we can do.) but I think you might be letting your anger towards him, cloud your judgement for the greater good.

The text messages did sound a little harsh and cold towards him. It did sound like you were "gloating" about your D's knowing they can count on you but not him. It did sound a lot like you were trying to have them pick your side.

I get where your coming from and it should be his responsibility not yours but I think when it comes to children, we need to overlook our own feeling and do what is best for them. Do anything we can to try to minimize any emotional damage they might receive. We shouldn't have to but in the end it's their well being that is most important.


As I said I haven't read your whole story, no body is perfect and we all make mistakes. I know you are doing what you think is best but this is just MHO!

Take care of yourself and your girls!!

[Soul.Searching]

The meds* sorry. I'm using my phone and auto correct [censored].

[Accuray]

Sweetbriar,

Good for you on your GAL activities, 180's, etc! It's so important to plan forward when you're feeling good so that when you're not, you have momentum to carry you through.

You are in a tough spot right now with H and your girls. He's going to assume that you are influencing them against him because he wants you to play the villain role, per our prior posts here. That's your role in his mind. Your challenge is not to play the part. The problem, of course, is that your girls are caught in the middle and you can't support your H at the expense of your girls.

Its great that you transcribed your conversation, that's so helpful to actually see what was said. I agree with Lisa.7 on this:

Im sorry you felt that was the right thing to do

With that opening, the conversation was going nowhere but downhill. Why? because it's a passive-aggressive statement. What you're *really* saying is "You made a decision I don't agree with", and to say that you're sorry about it is patronizing. At that point, his emotions are going to engage and you're no longer talking to a rational person. Better to tell him "let's take a break and resume this at xx o'clock" (2 hours later or something).

You have 3 difficult situations happening at the same time (1) your pregnancy, (2) your relationship with H, and (3) your status as a co-parent with a father who is not in the home. Unfortunately where (3) is concerned, you will often need to put (2) aside.

I *strongly* recommend you find a good family therapist and ask H to go with you to work out the best way to handle parenting in this situation. Tell H you don't want to be seen as alienating the girls from him and want them to continue to have a good relationship with him, but that this situation presents some challenges that you all need help with. I also think it would be good for the girls and H to do a session with the therapist, the girls have things they need to get off their chests with a moderator present, and you can't be that moderator.

With regard to your interchange with H, passive aggressive messages are frustrating to the recipient because you're couching how you really feel. You're honestly better off just saying "I don't think punishment was the best way to resolve this" and make your true feelings known, at least then it's out there and you can discuss it. If it starts to get heated, call a timeout and come back to it in a couple hours.

I think that you and H need to have a joint parenting discussion and make some rules that you will both abide by. These rules might be that (1) the two of you will discuss and agree on punishments before imposing them, (2) the two of you will not "badmouth" the other parent to the girls, (3) the two of you will not let the girls play one off against the other, (4) the two of you will not expose the girls to OP without first discussing with each other, etc. etc. Make your own list, but I think if you have this in place, you'll have fewer conflicts because the rules are understood and agreed upon. A family therapist can help you with this.

Now with regard to H, his behavior is simply not acceptable, he is the adult, and he needs to act like it with his daughters. I think you need to rise above and help him patch things up. The best way to do this is with a family therapist engaged, but if that's not going to happen quickly I would suggest this:

Call H and say that you understand he's having a difficult time with the girls, and that he feels you're not supporting him. Tell him that it's important to you that their relationship improve, and ask him what he thinks the two of you should do to make that happen. Since he's a man, it's going to be more effective to ask him questions and allow him to offer solutions than to serve up answers or plans to him and expect him to get on board. Use the "Socratic Method" of asking questions to make your point, but be very careful not to make them patronizing or leading, and really listen to what he says. If he gets disrespectful or irrational, then set a boundary. "I want to work though this with you productively, but I will not be spoken to disrespectfully. Let's take a break and pick this up again at X o'clock". You also have to be very careful not to sprinkle in blaming or shaming. Look at it as "what's done is done, how do we move forward." If you sprinkle in comments like "this was your own choice", or "you could come home and work on this if you wanted to" you are going to torpedo the discussion.

This is unfair in the extreme, but it's on you to carry the weight for the sake of your girls until some of his fog starts to clear.

Accuray