Back to Square One?

[Wendylon]

I agree, MKB, applying 5LL and DB to all relationships works really well.

Tonight was difficult and I backslid a bit.

H had too much too drink (by my standards) before we went out for our regular Sunday supper. As part of my 180s, I don't comment on his state anymore. When I used to, he'd say that he'd only had a couple of glasses of wine and that I was over-reacting and the evening would go downhill from there. It's never got us anywhere. I've said on this board before before that H seems to cycle between over-eating, smoking and drinking. He is always doing something 'forbidden' and being secretive and defensive about it. At this point, I think I prefer the secret smoking.

I have a history of commenting on his smoking and eating--two things he hates me doing. I comment because it drives me crazy that he thinks I can't tell and that he lies about it. I shouldn't be using the present tense because I have decided not to comment anymore!

I wasn't enjoying being with him tonight. He reeked of alcohol and asked me to repeat everything I said. He just didn't seem that with it, apart from when he was holding forth about how he'd have a talk with S17 about he needs to knuckle down if he wants to get into a good university, all of which I've heard before, not even so long ago as this morning. In fact, this morning he said he'd talk to S17 over breakfast. Of course, he didn't. I was thinking to myself that once again it was all hot air and for once I didn't have any expectations. In the past, I would have followed up and asked if he'd spoken to S17 and if he hadn't I would have queried him about that. I've been as predictable in following up on him as he has been in not following through.

On our way back from diner, we went by the train station to pick up D15 and the older sister of a school friend of D15. They were back from a school trip--they are at the same school. We dropped D15's friend's sister off at her house and H said to me, "She isn't at all the way I remember her". Thinking that he'd never really met her and that he was confusing her with her sister (D15's friend who he has met), I said, "Well, you've never met her". I should have added "properly". Anyway, he lost it and said "How dare you say that I haven't met her? What do you know about who I've met and not met? It's the kind of thing that drives me crazy about you..." I just said, "I'm sorry but I thought you were getting her mixed up with her sister". (I still think that is the case!) He's been in a huff every since. He stares at me coldly and looks angry.

I was hearing all about the trip from D15 and he stormed into the kitchen saying that we'd skipped an episode from the Good Wife and that I'd got things wrong. It turns out I hadn't. One episode that we watched when he'd had a few drinks was one where he wasn't following the plot very well. He then asked if we were going to watch one tonight and I said I thought it was a bit late. He left the kitchen ungraciously. I actually had thought to myself that I didn't want to watch an episode with him tonight because I hate the smell of alcohol and I hate how 'stupid' he gets when he's had a few drinks. He misses the plot and he's a bit hostile, aggressive and volatile. I don't like being around him then.

He went into his study and started typing furiously. God knows, who he's writing to.

He's now asleep and I managed to stay away from him the rest of the evening so no more damage.

I feel like setting some boundaries around his drinking before our regular Sunday supper. I'd rather he had a couple of glasses with supper than top up before. It's a very sensitive topic so I could easily make him furious.

We haven't mentioned it in a while, but there are some vague plans about us going on holiday, the two of us, later this year. I don't want to go while he's in this drinking phase. I'm not sure how I'd say that though without getting into a fight.

He's off for work early Tues am to another country and then is just back overnight on Friday before he goes off to yet another country to stay with my father and step-mother (where he'll have a lot to drink since they do) until the following Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the break from trying so hard with him and hoping to recharge my batteries while he's away.

Any help most appreciated.