I would love to hear from other LBS's that have experience with a spouse that walked away and fell off the face of the earth. I'm lucky if he responds to a text or call about the kids, even when there's a crisis. He has completely cut communication off from me. We had one conversation last week which really surprised me-because he responded to a text about our daughter. Often he won't even respond. Drug addiction is an element of our situation and I believe he is living with the OW.
I would love to connect with other women who have been in a similar situation. I feel hopeless when he doesn't want anything to do with me.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Lois. If you have a chance to read my old threads you will see where my H fell off the face of the earth. Like I and our kids did not exist. Went from living here, to packing up leaving and never calling or seeing us. I initiated every attempt to see him. Maybe wasn't always the right thing to do on my part. He went 3 months with no contact with his kids. This is a man who loves his kids dearly. He was miserable, ashamed of himself, and depressed. He was also drinking heavily prior and during.
We are R! He has been home almost a year and things are good. Not easy but I am glad he is here and so is he. All I can say is listen to the advice of the vets. What they say is true. I took a lot of repitition for me to listen. But they are right. Y0ur H is not himself right now. We too have a child with special needs. I think that plays some part in their conflicted minds. Take back your power. I know it is so hard to watch someone you love act like this and treat your kids like this. I know exactly how you feel. Make the best life you can for you and your kids. You will never regret doing that. I will check back soon.
I really believe the stress of a special needs child and a strong-willed teen contributed to our situation. My H was exhausted and depleted, along with some childhood issues he never really faced.
I had hidden behind him for years because I was depleted. In some ways, this has been one of the best things that's ever happened to me. The jury is out whether it will be the best thing for our family.
Anyway, H isn't himself, I see that. I'm slowly taking back my power.
I spent too much time begging, pleading and raging. I think it was all in an effort to keep him from becoming more entangled with the OW and doing more damage to our marriage/family. Ironically, I pushed him further away for about 8 months.
It's only been about a month of me tapering off the daily texts. The last two weeks have been the best I've done. I've stuck to facts in the last two weeks with one or two small goofs. I went 8 days without any texts, until Thursday when I had to send some information about our daughter. He called me which surprised the heck out of me. His norm has become not responding at all or only responding in a brief text unless prompted by his parents. I sounded OK in the phone call. Kept my calm, spoke in a calm gentle voice. I didn't attack or judge in any way. I did, however, tell him honestly that I spent $1,000 to fix our car, that we are having a Halloween party and that we were doing well-besides the situation with our daughter.
It means so much to hear from someone who has been there.
The OW is someone with a lot of issues. When I get caught up in the whole OW thing, I have a good friend who WAS good friends with the OW. She has reassured me that living with the OW would be NO PICNIC. This helps. I've only completely stepped out of the way for about two weeks, allowing him to fully "enjoy" his new woman. She is on disability for some mysterious emotional issues?
The crazy thing is...H absolutely bludgeoned me for the past 10 yrs and longer because I didn't earn enough, because he said I was "mentally ill," because I wasn't mature when it came to financially contributing to our family. My girlfriends and family are like, "He's with who? Seriously? On what planet does leaving you for someone waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy worse make sense?"
Sometimes I think he chose her because he knows he will be returning home at some point and she is relatively safe because no one in their right mind would want to spend a lifetime with this lady.
I guess it just shows how confused and distorted his thinking is. For today, I'm letting God handle it. It's getting easier. I'm getting busier on the weekends and have made a commitment to use this time for me.
Thanks again and I would love your continued support. Your situation gives me hope.
He told his mom, when he was 14, that he was going to marry me. I just hope he hasn't/won't get a tattoo. The OW is covered and that would be really hard to overlook.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
P.S. Right now my focus needs to be on earning more income. I've reached approximately 1/3rd of the my monthly goal--I need to continue getting the house in order--and I need a vehicle. I have PLENTY to keep me busy for however long H's "sabbatical" requires!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, He chose the ow because she will look up to him. She is in need of rescuing. He wants to have fun and maybe she'll have fun w/him, i.e., spending his money and getting him to jump through hoops while the other brain is talking.
You are doing great and please do not think that your special needs child or your teen daughter were the reason he left home. If that were the case, you would have left long ago yourself. Nope...not the wheel that created h is crisis.
Good, I'm glad to see that you've met 1/3 of your monthly goal. Staying busy will help you to keep your focus off of what he's doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We are having this Halloween Party next week because it's something I always wanted to do. We have a wooded trail and we are "haunting" it. It's something pretty outta character for me to entertain and have fun.
So, I texted H today to see if he would mind us moving his tree stand and using it. He responded immediately, which surprised me in a huge way. He said it was fine. I texted back thanks and then told him what we were going to use it for--briefly.
In the past, I've been pretty disrespectful of H's stuff--especially after I found out about the OW. So, I thought this would be a bit of a 180, asking him about the stand because I know it's something important to him.
So, he, again, responded immediately and told me "Good Idea."
Well, then I shoulda quit while I was ahead. I got excited because that's the fastest he's responded to me in months. It was like "OMG, DB is working!!"
I was sitting at the roller rink at the time-watching our D10 skate. This is a really BIG deal because she has Asperger's and, a year ago refused to go to the skating rink. Today was her first time and I was so proud of her.
I sent another text saying "Watching D skate at the rollerrink."
Then, sent another one--I know, I know!!! ugh--saying,
"thought you would like to know."
He didn't respond. Ick.
Feel like I blew the progress. HAVENT' SENT ANYMORE!
Blah.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Lois, You didn't blow the progress. It was very respectful of you to text him about the stand and tell him why you wanted to move it. I saw nothing wrong w/telling him where you where w/your daughter.
It was too many texts (over load) for him at one time. Unless something else comes up in the way of an emergency, stay still and don't text again. Allow him to come to you.
BTW, I'm happy to see your daughter skate. That's a major step for her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tell both of them just how proud you are of them. They need all of the encouragement they can get, especially w/their father on the Mother Ship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
