to me, it appears you are too focused on what H is doing, feeling, thinking, etc. that will drive you crazy. pull back. think and act as if you are fine and are moving on. if he doesn't pursue, he's not interested in being with you in the way you want him to be so it's for the best.
Just wanted to highlight this. Very true.
What kind of R do you want, Tumbling? Write it out.
Is he capable of giving you that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
SS you are right, what works for me is direct contact i.e. dialogue. SMS texts are for messaging NOT dialogue.
Texting was fine initially but I want direct contact now. I guess this is a Relationship Goal for me. What this would look like is phonecalls - not every night necessarily but that would be nice - but a few times a week at least to catch up with each other, share our days and how we feel about what's going on (not R talk) but how we feel about work etc.
Another would be doing something together once/week. What this would look like is planning ahead and making an arrangement. I'm pretty busy these days so booking something in the diary is important.
MWD says these goals should be achieved in 2-3 weeks So between now and 3 weeks time I would like to speak on the phone a couple of times a week and see each other 3 times if time allows.
My prior goal was maintaining text contact which is pretty much happening tho I worry about it (need to stop that)
As for moving on after two years. Well, we were piecing in year 1 and he moved back then his ex died and he "ran". This year has been different to year 1. I've been more focused on working on me and not so much focused on him/us but thought we were working on US but he did some crazy actions that freaked me out. Now I don't know what we are doing but I am more Self centred.
I'm not even sure I want to reconcile as we haven't spent time together for ages and I am fine on my own - infact I love the house to my Self. I guess you could say am moving on as what else could I have done when you haven't seen your H for 4months?
Each day that passes Canada Girl gets louder and brighter - the strong minded, adventurous, woman that gets lost in relationships.
if he doesn't pursue, he's not interested in being with you in the way you want him to be so it's for the best.
Yes very true SS and Labug and echoes "he's just not that into you" and that is why I am trying my best to lean back and create space for him to fill. But I am also Tumbling and I am an actor not a reactor.
What kind of R do you want, Tumbling? Write it out.
The first thing I thought of was our marriage vows. I will flesh it out when I have more time but this is what I want to give and receive. I wrote them and said them with no piece of paper - he read them
I will treasure and take care of our marriage, I will work with you to achieve those things that are important to us, I will respect you as your own person; Your interests and dreams will be no less important than my own.
I will love you faithfully, I will make you a part of me and in turn become a part of you. We will be equal partners in an open, honest, relationship. Through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy, Whatever may come, I will always be there as I've given you my hand to hold
The fact that I wrote them means that was what I expected in a relationship and what I wanted. If you turn the I to you - you will see my expectations
Is he capable of giving you that? Don't know. I made a big mess my end. I would have to ask him if he would recommit to these principles and agree what the actions would look like
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Quick Update 1920hrs I text that I was back and asked when a good time to call was 2100hrs He text tomorrow? and that he had needed to come over and pick up mail at some point I text - I'm out tomorrow, so tonight best He text - too tired to talk but happy to text I text - it would be quicker on the phone and that I was sorry if that sounded disrespectful to his needs but I HATE text convos. How do we reconcile that? He didnt ansa I text - I know. We text now and we talk at 1900hrs before I go out. How's that? He replied - That sounds like a good compromise x
So that's what we did and he is going to call tomorrow
Tumbling, I agree with SS. Your H is reluctant to talk to you for a reason. Somehow he associates calling with something negative. Why? Have you had fights over the phone? Does he feel you'll make him feel guilty? Think about this. The whole texting thing is definitely getting old, but I would not pressure him to call. My recomm still is--wait to text back one or two days. Don't return some of the texts. Don't ask him to call. He will eventually call. Be patient.
I hope I'm wrong but it looks to me as if he doesn't want someone to hear him talk. Texting can be done in the bathroom. I don't know if you've ever mentioned it, or not, but does he date OW?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Tumbling, I agree with SS. Your H is reluctant to talk to you for a reason. Somehow he associates calling with something negative. Why? Have you had fights over the phone? Does he feel you'll make him feel guilty? Think about this. The whole texting thing is definitely getting old, but I would not pressure him to call. My recomm still is--wait to text back one or two days. Don't return some of the texts. Don't ask him to call. He will eventually call. Be patient.
I agree, I would try not to "pressure" him to talk in the phone but start limiting the texts.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Thank you SS, Labug, Tori and Lisa7 for your comments
I don't know why he sometimes doesn't want to talk on the phone - we have never fought etc. We used to talk for hours when we first got together. He does know me pretty well and that I am a chatterbox so perhaps he just didn't want endless tumbling chatter...? Who knows, I will ask somewhen why he sometimes doesn't feel like talking
We text for 83mins last night w no pauses (SS, there isn't and never has been an OW - we had that convo in Dec2010). It definitely would've been quicker by phone! We didn't cover any of the admin stuff instead we had good friendly banter. Strangely I enjoyed it. I think what I don't like is sending a text and getting no ansa.
So tonight he called at 1900hrs as planned That was alittle strange - not easy to be normal with the water that has flown under the bridge - I guess. Bit like when you first start seeing someone and don't know what to talk about.
An amazing thing happened today. My ideal job was advertised - coms for a gvmt cetacean agency, looking for someone who might also speak french (i do) or spanish (just started!). How freaky is that? It's in a city 3hrs from here - starting in Feb. I'm going to apply. H and I can work out the logistics if we reconcile and if not - well there's my new life potentially.
Labug, you asked what did I do wrong (my mess) and what have I done to change that? I was very selfish in my marriage. I wrote about it before - I will find the post later...but generally:
I didn't understand how tiring his job was - sometimes he would go away for weeks or just a couple of days across the world - but I didn't accept that that meant he needed to wind down when he returned so would jump about being me and demanding we do couple things. Since he left 180'd that and asked how he was feeling before I asked to do something. All I really wanted was to hang out together but always demanded an activity (that's cos that's what my dad with me and made me feel loved - one of my LL)
I didn't respect him as his own person and instead expected him to be like me - so I didn't get why he wouldn't like/do things that I wanted to do. Hence the compromise I found last night. Why should my need to talk be more important than his need to relax and text?
I didn't think about there being 3 entities in our relationship - me, him and the relationship. I've learned that too and decisions need to be good for all 3.
I basically wasn't a grown up and gave him hell! I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me. I was always making him feel bad and not good enough - his words. I was driven by some insecurity that I have worked through with my IC
So he's coming over Thursday night to get mail and we might get takeout
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
