Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[25yearsmlc]

I am processing the meaningful posts from the both of you and 25. She can make a grown man cry

She has, many times!

Oh geez...you guys are kidding right? I'm giving it to you like your sisters would, if they could.

Besides, sometimes I'm wrong (call the newspapers!) and it's up to YOU to know what's accurate and what's a miss on my end.

If something hits you particularly hard, Bond (or Kaffe Diem or Denver?) says it means you need to look at it.

But don't ever think I didn't have the same HARD questions for myself, that I ask you.

As a L, I was very very good at telling myself that my choices were "justfied" and"right", when in reality they were often the end result of my anger.

And sometimes they were both "right" and angry.

Eventually I had to let go of being "right" B/C I wanted to be happy.

Digging deep isn't easy. But I am a better woman, better wife and better mother for it.

ALSO-my biggest fears were faced. As Ladybug says, the first big fear for me was that H would not come back.

I prepared myself for that (as in, well, "WHAT IF HE DOES NOT COME BACK?? WHAT THEN??")

The answer was, "I'd live. So would my daughters and our son was at college." I went to a L to make sure we would not end up on the streets and most of my financial fears were unjustified. I felt reassured and empowered by that information.

I had a GREAT DB coach and mc. I learned to see the temporary upsides of his being gone. Less tension at home for one thing. That's not small. Also Not having the toilet seat left up (hey, I started out with the small advantages and went up from there! )

watching chick flicks w/my d's, eating dinners when we wanted and not when h expected them. Like I said, i began with the small things we preferred about his being gone, without focussing on whether he'd alwaybs be gone.

I truly believe that part of why he wanted back in was b/c he could see that I believed I would be fine, with or without him. And I did come to believe that.

Financially I figured things out and for once was able to think about working full tiem again, and NOT having to consider his career first. Our lifestyle would go down SOME but not fatally. And it'd be a simpler life for me and the d's.

Other fears?

That I was not lovable. That I was mean or cold or unforgiving and at times i felt that way!!

And that might mean I'd never find someone. Well, I have come to see my value a lot more now than I did before.

And I learned to let go of things I could not control and

I learned to forgive, which was a huge life lesson for me, which I'd never seen growing up.

That alone, was the single biggest change in me. And for that, I'm grateful.

I have close friends and to this day, I meet men who seem interested. I met them while my h and I were sep too.

So I realized that IF my m was indeed over, IF & when the time came for me to feel healed enough and trusting enough to date, I would find someone if I wanted to.

MY DB coach and mc said not to stay married b/c of fears of being alone b/c they are not realistic when you get right down to it. They feared a premature recommitment more than me being alone long term and they had a point.

But frankly, putting the energy into another long term r, was NOT the first thing on my list.

I have never seen it as a healthy sign, when an LBSer quickly wants a new r to begin.

To me, it reeks of neediness and is often part of why their first m's ended OR b/c they didn't want to know what their role was.

One guy actually told me his marriage of 25 years ended "totally" b/c of his wife. He said she was the 'SOLE reason their m ended, you can ask anybody"...

I mean, who says that? Worse, who believes it?

The men I met who had recently divorced or sep, and wanted to date ME then,

were just NOT ready, imo. Some of them were clingy and cynical or controlling, sometimes all at once. Many of them critisized their ex wives and that was always a concern. (=No insights on their ends?)

One thing I hope you realize is that dating OPs may actually make you miss your spouse MORE, not less. And that can happen with your spouse too.


For instance, meeting OMs often made me miss my h's education more b/c many men I met were simply not well informed or interested in current events or other cultures, etc.

My h is an interesting and interestED man. We have things in common. Meeting OMs reminded me of that. Same with my h's being in good physical shape.

I like feeling like the female of the species, and small men, or obese men, were reminders of that.

So if your w meets some OM, it does not always mean you lose by comparison. And YOU control more of that then you may realize.

Anyhow, I hope this helps a little.