The crack in my perfect life...

[Accuray]

Hi Sweetbriar,

I'm sorry the weekend is so difficult for you, I can relate.

I guess that was my last shot at R according to him:(

You're torturing yourself with the thought that if you had taken him back without conditions, you'd be better off. That is simply not true. Coming back home but continuing to go out drinking and pursuing other women would NOT be a shot at reconciling at all, it would just lead to more pain for you and a more painful eventual split. You did the right thing by NOT allowing him home if he was going to behave disrespectfully towards your marriage.

A couple things here -- I think it's okay to text H about your daughters when there is trouble as long as it's not just a pretense to contact H for your own sake. You are both still parents to your girls, and keeping him involved as a parent is fine as long as you keep it about the girls. i.e texting him "D is going to homecoming and would like to hear from you" would have been fine -- you're not expecting a response and it's not about you.

Secondly, you have an opportunity to teach your daughter an important relationship skill in dealing with men. In this instance, she had an unspoken expectation that her father would call. She didn't tell him to call in advance, or get a promise from him that he would call, she just expected it without verbalizing it. Then, when he didn't call, she got disappointed and has now resolved to punish him for it. All that happened without his knowledge or involvement. That's not her fault, it's a very common relationship dynamic, and obviously, her father SHOULD have called her.

That being said, if your daughter wants to talk to her father, she can call him! How about instead of being angry that he didn't call her last night, she called him instead and said "Dad, I'm heading off to homecoming, I'm looking forward to having a good time and I was just thinking of you." That conversation probably would have resulted in her getting the attention and affirmation she was looking for, and by the end, she would have disregarded the fact that she initiated the call, because her needs would have been met.

The book I recommended "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" talks about the fact that women often expect men to mindread, and that men are bad at it. Although it's possible that your H was out having fun and forgot, it's equally likely that he was home alone, thinking of your daughter, feeling guilty and not wanting to intrude. The point is, your daughter wouldn't know unless she reached out.

Now if there was explicit prior agreement that he would call and he did not, then everyone has a right to be angry and disappointed.

You can also now text H and tell him "D was disappointed that you didn't call her last night for homecoming, please reach out to her when you get the chance" and leave it at that.

I started to think, he must REALLY HATE ME to be able to leave and give that all up. To not want to work on us and make us a family again...

A lot of this is not about you at all -- it's about him. You are interpreting his actions to be a negative reflection on you when likely they are not. He is confused, sad, depressed, lost, and looking for answers. You've not given him a reason to hate you, so don't fear that.

Its been almost 3 months since he has left us and moved out. I feel like I haven't gotten any better since day one:(

I'm sorry to hear this Sweetbriar, time does heal, but the journey is a painful one. What have you done to make things better for yourself? What GAL activities are you pursuing? What personal goals have you set for yourself and how are you doing on them? What 180's have you done that you are most proud of?

The WAS can be victim to "catastrophic thinking" -- i.e. nothing will ever get better, no one will ever love me again, etc. etc. It's important to snap out of that because obviously it's not true.

One exercise to try -- rate how you are feeling on a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 is absolutely miserable and 10 is ecstatic. If you decide that you are a 2, then take a minute and examine why you're not a one. What is going well that makes things better than the next lowest number. It's very important not to skip this part, because it's tempting to just focus on why you're not a 10. Really take the time to understand what is good, and celebrate it. Then, ask what you will be *DOING* differently when you are one number higher. i.e., if I were at 3, I would be .... Then, start DOING those things, even if you don't feel like it yet. After a week or two, reassess. The point here is to focus on what you will be doing, not what you will be feeling. You can control what you do, but can't always control how you feel. How you feel, however, often reflects how you act, so lead with doing and have faith that feeling will follow.

Accuray