The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

I got through yesterday! Kept busy, cleaning, busy with kids and then getting D ready for Homecoming! She look beautiful!! Thought of H a lot yesterday...woke up thinking about him and that continued throughout the day. These beautiful Fall days are the days that we would hang out, do some yard stuff, or just watch college football together.

After D headed to her dance, I went to our best friends house, across the street, for a bonfire and hang out. There were a few couples there, all of which were mutual friends of H and I. That was a hard...now that Im the single one and of course, hard because H was always there with me...the life of the party. He was brought up just a few times by friends...mostly the guys, asking if he had come to his senses. They are all so shocked as well at his decisions. They have known him for a long time and cannot believe that this is what he has chosen. They also asked me if he was still seeing OW, and of course, I have no idea. I was glad that I went, and stayed busy, but all of these outing are bittersweet.

When I picked up D from dance (late) she said she had and okay time. She then said to me that she felt really shitty. I asked why, because she looked stunning last night and she said, because dad never called or texted me all night. Then she said, I know he just doesnt care and that hurts a lot. This made me so sad. I know that this is HIS thing that he is doing, but he doesnt have to see or hear the disappointment in my kids like I do. He isnt here. It is NOT like him to not at least text them on the weekends and especially on her first dance. I feel so sad for her, but reassured her how great she looked, and that I am here for her always and that we cannot control what dad does now or if he calls.

I wanted so bad to text H and tell him what a mistake he had made with his D, but I didn't do it. He will know it time the mistakes he has made and he will have to live with them. I cannot help but to think that he was out having a blast last night and he totally forgot about D and her important night. This breaks my heart for her, and for me, as I am home doing all the mom things. He knows that I am responsible and would never let my kids down. I think that makes it easier on him to be gone because he knows we will be fine.

This morning, D came in my room and laid in my bed with me and said again, "well, dad never did call", like maybe she thought late last night he would. Then she said "he was probably out with his girlfriend and that makes me feel worse" I told her tha we dont know what dad does anymore. She said the he better not expect her to be nice when he does contact her. I told her that the next 2 wed nights (which is the night he comes and gets them) that we are busy...one night with a school function and the other with Halloween and she said that was fine, that she didn't need to see him the next 2 weeks.

I try hard to make sure their relationship stays okay, but when he pulls this stuff and doesnt call her on an important day, I cannot help her anger and frustration. He will have to deal with it himself. I cannot make it better for him. They were so extremely close before he left and this had been very hard on her. He was ALWAYS involved with the kids, no matter what.

Is this normal for a WAS to start to alienate his kids as well even when they were so close? Maybe this is punishment for her comments about him looking old? Who knows...I just dont know how his mind works anymore.

It is SO VERY HARD to watch a man who was all about his family and who was involved with everything we did walk away like nothing. It would be different if he wasnt ever involved, or if he didnt care before, but we were his life before...especially his girls...they were his everything. There were days in the past that he would text me and tell me how horrible he was feeling because he cannot see his kids everyday, but then, when stuff like this happens, I wonder if he was just full of it.

My last thought...Friday night, I was so sad. The kids were out with friends and I was home alone and very lonely. I thought to myself, I could NEVER live without my kids with me everyday. Then I started to think, how is H doing it? Not knowing what is going on in their lives every single day. So, I started to think, he must REALLY HATE ME to be able to leave and give that all up. To not want to work on us and make us a family again...

Its been almost 3 months since he has left us and moved out. I feel like I haven't gotten any better since day one:(