Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks little wings. Honestly, I'm not that strong. I always thought I was a strong person mentally but this really just threw me for a six! I have had problems in my life and have suffered loss before (as we all do) but nothing has ever affected me like this before. I sorted out the bathroom cabinets and draws today. There wasent much left in there of his but it's amazing how much such a small item can hurt. He has several toiletries bags and two of them were left here. Input the other little bits and pieces in to one of them. Just looking at his toiletries bag nearly made me cry. I had tears in my eyes because it was him, it was his and in some weird way, giving them back to him, symbolizes what I have lost. It's just weird.

I have already came quite a way, I think. When he first left I cried and cried and cried. Everywhere I went. I have a buch of very long term friends who had never seen me like that before. I've always been one to put on a brave face. Not this time, I was guttered. It still hurts but I think I'm learning to manage it and live with the pain.

I caved just before I posted here. H called. Wanting to know if he can have the kids next weekend as well (my weekend.) because he is going away for three weeks after that weekend. I did have a party I was going to take them to but that's okay. I was so looking forward to taking them to the beach and bike riding if I have my car back by then but that will have to wait until the following weekend. I'd rather they get to spend time with him because they are missing him like crazy. I know he is missing them to. Anyway I went off topic, he called and I ended up getting emotional telling how I hate the hurt in the kids eyes after he drops them off! I told his it was like he was trying to avoid history repeating itself but instead he made it repeate itself...,, I don't know why I did it, I know it's not what I should be doing. I guess I just have to learn how to control my emotions.
Life has really bad timing sometimes. I had a Uncle who was telling me only about six months back that we, as humans can control our own emotions, that nobody can hurt us mentally if we don't let them. I didn't believe it and just dismissed a lot of his conversations because to me, he was talking jibberish. Well he passed away suddenly a few weeks before H left. Oh how I wish he was here to talk to now, how I wish I had of listened more then and asked more questions. It really is true: you don't know what you have got till its gone. Sorry for all the continual posts and rambling. This is pretty much my only outlet right now.

[AJM]

No worry. This is a great outlet and I highly suggest you keep posting your thoughts and feelings. Get them out.

One thing you do know already - the more you talk to him the more it hurts. How long are you going to keep going back and knocking yourself in the head like that? I suggest you stop as it doesn't help you look after you. It keeps your emotions cycling making it harder to detach and do what you need to do. For you and your kids.

Keep posting Lisa.7. Keep doing things for you regardless of what is going on around you.

Take care,

AJ

[Soul.Searching]

Okay so H called early this morning saying he was nearly here and is it okay If he came around early. I said yes and told him D9 was still asleep, so he said its okay he will go somewhere first. I said I wasent saying that but he wasent listening. Okay then!
So I looked outside and seen a car there. About 10 mins later my S8 said Dads here. I looked out and it was him. He was in his Mums car! S went out and told him I said for him to come inside, so he did. He pretty much sat on the lounge on his phone the whole time.
I was trying to format my memory card but it wasent working, so H went up the shops and brought me another one.

We left and when we got there, we were sitting In a group of people. The parents of S team members and my Mum, SIL etc, D9 was sitting in between H and I but then we all moved to a different area. I was about to sit next to H but a mutual friend quickly sat there just before me, He almost ran to get that chair.

About half way through H and mutual friend went out for a smoke. They stood at the entry the rest of the presentation!

S8 got two trophies! I'm so proud of him, he really does love playing football and he is really good at it!

So after the presentation I said I should have brought myself a bourbon. So on the way the the team BBQ H stopped and brought a 10 pack of bourbon and gave them to me!

So he was okay at the BBQ coming up and talking to me and poking me playfully. He actually went to cuddle me and then realized what he was doing and stopped and walked away.

He was talking about another kids ( his parents didnt stay just dropped him off and they couldn't contact them when we were leaving. ) H said "Just bring him back to our place, I just looked at him and he said Lisa's place. Sorry I said that, it was just habit. He acted a little strangely after that.

He dropped us home and gave the kids a cuddle and said goodbye but he didn't say goodbye to me.

He was the same person who I was married to just with " no attachment" to me.


He told me after BD that he had deleted all my photos off his phone. But he called me tonight to tell me S left a pair of pajamas at his house. He said he was going to buy an external hard drive and asked if I could transfer all of the music and photos off our PC on to it for him. I said yes but I wasent going to delete the pictures of me, he would have to do that.
He said why can't I have pictures of you? I said well you can but I didn't think you wanted them anymore, you deleted the ones off you phone.
I told him I was actually going to send him a picture of the kids and I but then I thought I probably shouldn't and he wouldn't want that anyway. He said he does and asked me to send some, so I did. Not sure that I should have but I did.

He also called another time and told me he figured out how to put caps lock on the phone. That was kind of strange because it wasent something that either of us had discussed before. It was just a bit random but maybe he was just proud of himself because I'm the more technology savvy out of us.


All in all it was a pretty good day. It's hard with the "no contact" though. He was also talking about how long he will have them in the six week holidays. And that he is definitely going on holidays but his not sure yet if it will be by himself or with the children yet. That really hurts. I hate the thought of Christmas right now.

I honestly think that if we go through Christmas, new years and his Birthday separated, then I will give up. That's the one time of year we are always together as a family!! He gets 5 weeks off and I figure if I can make it through one of the worst times of my life. ( the past month, loosing two family members, my 15 yo cat and having to put down two dogs.) and then get through the holiday season without him, then I can get through anything without him.
The way I see it is if he can let us go through that, then how can he love me??

He is just like the old him. Maybe he really did just simply fall out of love with me. Maybe there is no "crisis" maybe I just couldn't make him happy. I just wasent good enough for him.


On a lighter note, I did wear makeup today which I haven't done for a long time. Makeup has never really " done anything" for me but it did help me to feel a little bit better about myself today. I think I'm going to do it more often. I'm also going to start exercising and I'm going to get patches and try to quit smoking.

I love him so much, but it really doesn't feel like there much hope. He seems to have control over his life and just doesn't want me In it in that way anymore. He doesn't seem like he is going through anything. Maybe I just need to let him be. Maybe this is what he needs to be happy and as much as I love him and as much as it hurts me, I want him to be happy.

[Soul.Searching]

No worry. This is a great outlet and I highly suggest you keep posting your thoughts and feelings. Get them out.

One thing you do know already - the more you talk to him the more it hurts. How long are you going to keep going back and knocking yourself in the head like that? I suggest you stop as it doesn't help you look after you. It keeps your emotions cycling making it harder to detach and do what you need to do. For you and your kids.

Keep posting Lisa.7. Keep doing things for you regardless of what is going on around you.

Take care,

AJ

Thanks AJ. It really does mean a lot to know people take the time to read/ respond when there are going through such terrible times themselves!

[Soul.Searching]

Yes, I agree it is good for the kids. But, ultimately do what works for you and IMHO if he's willing to do family stuff after some time of nothing, it's nice to agree and hope for a good day. Please, don't have expectations just they can let us down at the drop of a hat.

Yes, well said! I should have added my own experience, we are S but W and I still go to some events together with the kids. D15 is on a drill team and we go together every friday with S9 and MIL to watch. We also go to lunch or dinner every weekend to hand off the kids. I have zero expectations during these get-togethers. We talk a bit, but we usually don't even sit next to each other. So you can do this and still maintain some detachment.

Thanks.
I have no expectations either but just seeing him brings on all kinds of emotions. Hearing his voice etc. plus it really hurts to hear him talk about HIS futcure. Especially when my children are in involved!! Talking about taking them on holidays etc. Yes I am extremely grateful that he still wants to spend time with them and that they will still get to go on a holiday this Christmas. ( I highly doubt I will have the money to take them on one.) but there is also a selfish, Jelious side of me that thinks I should be going too! That I shouldn't be denied of a holiday with my children because of him. I've gone off topic. The point is that I don't know how to detach while around him.

[labug]

Have you read DR yet? If not you can read the first chapter here:
First chapter

Everything you're feeling is very normal for where you are in this. Don't beat yourself up for that. Also you said something about not being good enough for him. Are you good enough for you should be the real question.

What do you want and need to change? Make a list and work on those things. Set some goals for yourself.

Read alot here and get the books recommended. Is there a library near you. Libraries often have events for kids, too.

Get out and be with friends. Invite friends over to your place. Take your kids fun places that don't cost anything. Parks, playgrounds, etc. Do you have a second-run movie theatre in your town? The one in my city even has a $2 day.

Check out meet-up groups online for activities you might like for yourself.

Focusing on what might be wrong with him only takes the focus off you and your kids. His stuff is his to deal with.

Become the best Lisa you can be. This is your chance to shine.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Labug. I have read the first chapter of DR but that was a week or so ago. I'm not sure how much of it I actually took in. I was in a really bad place when I read it.
I have ordered the book from EBay but am waiting for it to arrive.

I do know some 180s I want to do but I have been unwell so haven't really done too much yet.

I haven't got a car right now, so that makes it harder to get out and do much.

H called today to ask if he can come around tomorrow to pick up his fishing rods, as he is going away for work on Friday! Pretty interesting concidering he asked me if he could have the kids this weekend, now all of a sudden he is leaving early Friday morning. Oh well none of my business!

Speaking of business, that's how he is treating me,.... Business like.

[mizjjd]

Hey Lisa. So sorry you are having such heartache. You are definitely not alone, I absolutely identify with the pain in your posts.

I try to set some goals for myself. Even little things like showering, doing my hair and make up each day make me feel better about myself. I have also started walking 30 - 60 minutes a day (some days this isn't possible, but I do what I can).

Try too, to shift your focus from getting your H back. Not to say that you shouldn't want that, or that you shouldn't aim for that, but let that end by a by-product of your own personal goals. Work on what you CAN control (yourself) and let go of what you CANNOT control (your H).

"Keeping it business like" might have to be okay for now. It will help you detach.

Don't give up! Its got to get better

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks. It's good to see you have some goals.
I know I do have a lot to work on myself. It's time to focus on me and my children! We will be okay. I know if we do not get back together I will be fine but I think I'm realizing that it's the journey getting there that I was afraid of.
I was afraid to have to live through those terrible waves and pain for possibly years to come. I can do it, if that's what I have to.

I don't need his love, I need my love, which is something I'm working on. I do have things I know I need to work on. I just need to sit down and work out their priority order. I need to live for now.

[labug]

If you work on yourself you won't have "those terrible waves of pain" for years. You will come out of this a stronger woman and mother. Someone your kids can be proud to call mother.

Write some goals, that's the first step. I'm sorry you've been unwell but maybe writing goals will help you feel a bit better.