i am like you- too much this guy in my head. truly- i do not know how we hurry ourselves to a place where we hate this life with them - more than the one without them. i am not cheery girl this morning- another jacked up sleepless nite- oh boy...
when i am "real" (like now) and consider what i "have" with him- or could have- i am not sure there is something worth allllllllll this. the pain, uncertainty- etc. i would say it is my insecurity and those sad ole (happy) memories of how it felt to be loved - that make me stay.
i'd say this morning that i'm rather pathetic in a not terminal kind of way. it's this "being wounded" thing that is holding me down at the moment. i do have faith we can get up and dust ourselves off and tra la off into the sunset. will I find someone else to share my life with (and i am a person that likes having a shared life) honestly, i don't think i will. i am too distrusting now- maybe a bit damaged here - and statistically i don't see it happening unless i go really beat the bushes - and i'm not that girl either. dreary- but trying to be realistic.
i keep telling myself nothing has changed. no matter if i see some hopeful sign or have a pleasant conversation- nothing has changed. i am still fighting it i guess- now that i say it out loud to you. well, i guess that is what db is about partially- not letting go too easily- but the bit about being detached while you are immersed in this battle is a bit beyond my belief. i am less "bleeding" than a year ago- i am by no means neutral. i can gal til the cows come home. my missing "life" still pains me.
what the hell????? I want definition & certainty - i want "out" with no pain or bother. i am totally unrealistic about this- the no pain thing - but i can say what i want rite?? i resent like mad that it hurts ME (us) so much- i am sick of caring what bad happened to him that made him this way. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HIS JUNK in life - he is a bad person to let it spill onto and hurt me. we all have free will- we all want justice for ourselves- we all deserve it - he deserves the pain he is dealing out- not me. SELF righteous central here - sorry- bad bad dog... i don't like "paying" for his crap life and emotions. still feeling like being in prison for some crime i didn't commit.
oh well- sos w/ me- maybe i'll never get further than this point. maybe i'll just burn out in the end- and fizzle away and be done with it all from sheer exhaustion. probably not a bad thing- maybe it's what finally makes anyone do something they think they "have to" but loath. i hope your mind and day are alot better than this dreary drivel.
i'm going to go get busy and do alot of wildly productive stuff to give myself a bit of self esteem (if i can't admire myself for enduring this crap-fest at the hands of this jerk) i can at least not be a wallowing grub-ball here. ta da
it's sunny and I do love autumn leaves. picked several bouquets last nite on our walk- put them here and there for color. i am going to go (for real) take pix of all the extra lamps, furniture, great junk i have around to send to my neice and see if she needs anything. maybe work on that stupid chair and get it out of my own face- either or-
this is me pulling myself up by my boot straps and getting on with it. had a nice evening last nite with my little neice (14) - she's good company- she's a compassionate kid - she was looking thru my highschool yearbook- i don't remember most of it and what people wrote becasue my dad had died the day before- i went to get the book and people signed it- but i was in a fog. i thnk i've blocked out most of that time and graduation, etc.- tooooooooo wierd and awful at the time. life sure is funny isn't it? the things you do, endure, function thru- etc.
will be interesting to see where i am five years from now. okay- lets make a pact that no matter what- five years from now in october we make sure to check back in here (in case we drift away somewhre) and see what the heck we are both up to. okay? it's a funny notion- maybe we will laugh together over this bad bad bad time in our lives- and compare notes on how we triumphed over evil - ta da.... super-hero-gals - . ya think?????
