Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Okay so H called early this morning saying he was nearly here and is it okay If he came around early. I said yes and told him D9 was still asleep, so he said its okay he will go somewhere first. I said I wasent saying that but he wasent listening. Okay then!
So I looked outside and seen a car there. About 10 mins later my S8 said Dads here. I looked out and it was him. He was in his Mums car! S went out and told him I said for him to come inside, so he did. He pretty much sat on the lounge on his phone the whole time.
I was trying to format my memory card but it wasent working, so H went up the shops and brought me another one.

We left and when we got there, we were sitting In a group of people. The parents of S team members and my Mum, SIL etc, D9 was sitting in between H and I but then we all moved to a different area. I was about to sit next to H but a mutual friend quickly sat there just before me, He almost ran to get that chair.

About half way through H and mutual friend went out for a smoke. They stood at the entry the rest of the presentation!

S8 got two trophies! I'm so proud of him, he really does love playing football and he is really good at it!

So after the presentation I said I should have brought myself a bourbon. So on the way the the team BBQ H stopped and brought a 10 pack of bourbon and gave them to me!

So he was okay at the BBQ coming up and talking to me and poking me playfully. He actually went to cuddle me and then realized what he was doing and stopped and walked away.

He was talking about another kids ( his parents didnt stay just dropped him off and they couldn't contact them when we were leaving. ) H said "Just bring him back to our place, I just looked at him and he said Lisa's place. Sorry I said that, it was just habit. He acted a little strangely after that.

He dropped us home and gave the kids a cuddle and said goodbye but he didn't say goodbye to me.

He was the same person who I was married to just with " no attachment" to me.


He told me after BD that he had deleted all my photos off his phone. But he called me tonight to tell me S left a pair of pajamas at his house. He said he was going to buy an external hard drive and asked if I could transfer all of the music and photos off our PC on to it for him. I said yes but I wasent going to delete the pictures of me, he would have to do that.
He said why can't I have pictures of you? I said well you can but I didn't think you wanted them anymore, you deleted the ones off you phone.
I told him I was actually going to send him a picture of the kids and I but then I thought I probably shouldn't and he wouldn't want that anyway. He said he does and asked me to send some, so I did. Not sure that I should have but I did.

He also called another time and told me he figured out how to put caps lock on the phone. That was kind of strange because it wasent something that either of us had discussed before. It was just a bit random but maybe he was just proud of himself because I'm the more technology savvy out of us.


All in all it was a pretty good day. It's hard with the "no contact" though. He was also talking about how long he will have them in the six week holidays. And that he is definitely going on holidays but his not sure yet if it will be by himself or with the children yet. That really hurts. I hate the thought of Christmas right now.

I honestly think that if we go through Christmas, new years and his Birthday separated, then I will give up. That's the one time of year we are always together as a family!! He gets 5 weeks off and I figure if I can make it through one of the worst times of my life. ( the past month, loosing two family members, my 15 yo cat and having to put down two dogs.) and then get through the holiday season without him, then I can get through anything without him.
The way I see it is if he can let us go through that, then how can he love me??

He is just like the old him. Maybe he really did just simply fall out of love with me. Maybe there is no "crisis" maybe I just couldn't make him happy. I just wasent good enough for him.


On a lighter note, I did wear makeup today which I haven't done for a long time. Makeup has never really " done anything" for me but it did help me to feel a little bit better about myself today. I think I'm going to do it more often. I'm also going to start exercising and I'm going to get patches and try to quit smoking.

I love him so much, but it really doesn't feel like there much hope. He seems to have control over his life and just doesn't want me In it in that way anymore. He doesn't seem like he is going through anything. Maybe I just need to let him be. Maybe this is what he needs to be happy and as much as I love him and as much as it hurts me, I want him to be happy.