best and worse thing to ever go through

[longrun]

Let go of the anger.

[Grocerykartman]

I feel the anger creeping in

My first through 239th inclinations are to tell you to go out somewhere tonight and have some fun on your free Saturday night.

But, if you're not planning to, my 240th inclination is to say here's your chance, man, to let out all of your anger in your next post. Why the anger? Really think about this. Who all are you mad at? Who are you mad at most? Who are you mad at least? What do you think would help you alleviate the anger? How can you grab this anger by the trucknuts and show it who's boss?

You need to get the anger out of your system, but it's probably better better here first than before you say something that'll make the situation worse, or, will just reinforce her indifference to what you've said to her so far.

I feel like I am being too soft in all of this

How do you want to be in all of this?

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around lovingly detaching, trying to speak her LL, and giving her space.

I think your follow-ups to the first two statements you made are more pressing right now than how to juggle these 3 acts. Let's examine YOU first.

But only if you're not acting on inclinations 1-239 first, which I hope you do instead.

[eyesopen]

I am out, at a friends shooting pool, having fun. Anger has subsided. I am in control.

W called to tell me she was on her way up north to stay the night with the kids. She is going a day early, because my son isn't doing well. I asked why not and she said she thinks this is all starting to hit him. So as much as I wanted to suggest Retrouvaille and making it work between us, I bit my toungue.

I can do this.

I will reflect later on the rest of your post. Thanks again

[eyesopen]

Allright GKM here goes...

I am angry at my w for leaving, for breaking up our family, for putting our children through this.

I am angry at her parents for not telling her they will support her, instead of telling her to do what it takes to keep your family together.

I am angry at my own mom for telling her to just let me go, rather than saying fight for your family. Better yet I wish she wouldn't have said anything at all.

And most of all I am angry at myself for not figureing out what she needed. I am angry that I couldn't keep my family together.

With all that I am angry about I can understand why each person has done what they have done. As far as I go, I know I need to let go of that anger, use that energy and turn this thing around. At least use that energy to find the patience I need to let her work out what she needs to.

I was so worried at the beginning of this that I would miss any signs that she was ready to start coming closer, now I see that she is not even close to ready, amd neither am I.

[eyesopen]

The angry at her parents line was supposed to read,

I am angry at them for telling her they would support her, instead of telling her to do what it takes to keep your family together.

[Grocerykartman]

Eyes,

See, it's good that you recognize that your anger is multi-tiered. You're not just mad at her. You already knew you were mad at yourself, but re-admitted it when prompted. You've also got parents on both sides you're angry at, which probably makes it feel like you've got curveballs being thrown at you in just about every direction. Just about everyone close to you, including yourself, seems like they have let you down. This is undoubtedly tough. I can't even begin to know what it's like to have the feeling that parents have turned their back on your family unity. So I won't try.

What I can try to offer you is this: I don't know everyone's experience with separation and divorce in your family, but certainly, this is their first experience with separation and potential divorce as far as you and your wife specifically are concerned. Every one of you is human, and these are not circumstances that people handle every day. Sometimes, sadly, people handle a delicate situation completely wrong. You yourself said this in your first post:

So for the first month I did everything wrong, beg, plead, cry, try and get her to read things I had found that showed her she wasn't the first woman to go through this. Guess what, it didn't work.

Look how much more you know now. The way you handled it originally is nothing to be angry about, you just didn't know how to handle something as awful as this.

I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone, but I would simply point out that you can see how easy it is to make wrong choices in all of this. It's an unfamiliar, and grossly heavy, topic. I don't know, but I would guess that everyone involved has done a fair amount of handwringing over this, wondering what is the right thing or the best thing to tell both of you.

You did say you can see why each person has done what they have done, so you CAN at least see the option that sits before you to work to let go of the anger.

Hang in there man.

[eyesopen]

Could use some positive thoughts sent my may. Going to meet the w in a little while to iron out some d issues that I have.

She has stated that she doesn't want anything from me other than child support, but yet on the online form she checked reserved for spousal maintenance. Meaning to be reviewed later. I am assuming by a judge. But yet she listed her hours worked per week at 20. So I am supposed to work 40 hours a week to support myself and the kids when they are with me and her, and all she has to put in is 20 hours. Doesn't seem right.

Not sure how I go about this talk in a lovingly way? Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

How did it go?

[eyesopen]

It went pretty well. I am slowing finding peace on this path. It is what she wants, and I won't stand in her way. She said she didn't want maintenance, and will alternate 3 nights and then 4 nights with the kids, everyother week.

I told her I wish I could turn back the clock and support her in what she wanted to do. She asked why I never did that. It was the first time she actually questioned and pointed some actions of mine that contributed to our demise. She also took some of the blame in saying that she should have spoken out. I told her that I have no excuse for not doing the things I should have been doing.

If not for her leaving I probably would have never recognized my shortcomings.

I did mention Retrouvaille again. Told her they have them every couple of months and if down the road she would like to go to let me know. She said I love you, you're so persistent and dedicated.

I don't remember how this came up but she said even if it did work she couldn't go back to our house. I actually just talked to a friend the other day and told him I wasn't sure if I would stay there. I can afford, I think I would like something smaller. Too much house for a half time dad. I told her just that and left it there.

That is pretty much the just of it. Not really sure where to go from here. I have some retirement account numbers to get today and then I will leave it in her hands. I will continue to work on myself and let her work out her issues.

[Soul.Searching]

Sounds like your doing great! Good luck.