Sunny, I think what you are describing is how we act while in shock. We are not consistent. We tend to follow old patterns and listen to those we used to trust, but no longer do. In part because of that, we spin. They spin. We continue to spin. Feels like being on a roller coaster.
It's not until we stop spinning and detach (step back too) from the situation and really see things that we realize what is going on. That can take a long time and takes a huge toll. Our ideals and thoughts are shattered. Incomplete. Our souls feel like they are torn. In some ways, they are.
In the aftermath of the sewage that is ceremoniously dumped on us, we learn to climb above it.
You can't see enough to apologize for your own shortcomings until you do that because you can't see them at this point. That takes time. It really does. And when you do, it hurts. It's tempting to blame the other and run away. But we have the advantage of not being nuts/schizo. We have the ability to see more clearly and the more we detach, the more we can see things clearly. Then, and only then are we really ready to embrace what happened. What led up to it. We are ready to face our own demons. It never happens fast enough for us though, does it?
At some point, you'll figure it out and stop contradicting yourself. You'll accept your faults and let those that aren't yours go. You'll get angry along the way. You'll accept what is. You'll detach from the outcome even though it is not what you thought you wanted. You'll stop bending to their whims and accusations and you'll get off the ride. You may wonder still what happened, but you'll realize it is not important why it happened. It never was.
And you'll begin to live your life. A full life.
Along the way, your spouse will struggle with the same things and the guilt of what their reaction to the dynamic was. They may or may not figure out their part and own up to it. They may become and stay a monster toward you for reasons you cannot explain.
But you'll live your life and will let go of the anger. You'll own up to your parts. You'll have a clean slate and will rebuild. Better. Faster. Stronger. Wiser.
It was once said that with wisdom comes sorrow. I believe that. I can't change it.
Feel what you feel Sunny. You'll see more of what K is talking about and will either agree or disagree that what she says means the same to you as it does for her. But she's right about one thing - we are a diamond in the rough and we are worth it. Nobody can take that away but we can give it away and do for a short period of time. We learn to take it back because it's ours and we need to.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
