What should I do? Which technique to use?

[jzoom]

Very well may be the case that she doesn't want anybody to be or appear to be in charge. Not sure if anybody here is into astrology but we are both Aries, and that sign is hard-headed and likes to be the leader.

[jzoom]

Everything you've mentioned has gone through my mind. I am still very wary about everything. I'm doing much more "Act As If" most of the time while I keep watching everything closely. If I come across something odd or have a suspicion I'm not confronting her right away, I'm waiting and watching and if there is a casual way to get info I go for it. Also, when I start looking at the potential cost of her evicting her with a lawyer, her possibly stealing from me, and/or her making false accusations against me if she's truly gone crazy vs just spending a little money for her to peacefully move out, well it's cheaper to be nice for now.

I would love for her to take the quiz, I took it myself, but I just don't think I'd be able to convince her right now.

[jzoom]

Talked with the mutual friend who had a conversation with my gf. This friend is going to school for physcology so while not a therapist yet it's not a complete guess on my part.

Last Sun when I gave my girl the ILYBINILWY talk she told me she felt like dieing and the only think keeping her going is her kids. Friend talked to her and my gf told her she is depressed and has been for awhile and just doesn't believe that I understand that. GF told her that she doesn't have motivation to do anything, that she just wants to sit around like a blob and only reason she gets going and does anything is for the kids. GF said that she really cares about me and wants to work on things but just fears we are too different, too many different interests, and I don't accept her. She expressed how happy she was that I tore up the notice to get out and let her use the car. GF said some of her guy friends are acting weird now and her family just keeps pushing her to leave me.

GF also admitted that she hasn't felt well and believes there might be a medical reason for her low libido. Coupled with the depression it makes sense. GF is looking towards me to show that I really want her for her.

GF was complimentary of how nice I've been since the blow-up and was just shocked how things leading up to that night, and that night, mirrored the end of her last marriage. So I agree with people here, she did "more of the same" with me to get the same kind of reaction as her last husband and I hope now she's thinking about it some.

Basically, my friend said that there is hope. She said that GF started to soften up as they talked and even said how she wanted to get off the phone before I got home from work b/c we had the night together...and that was a good night, it was the Wed where she had dinner for me and I took the lead with the kids so she could do homework.

I cracked open DR and read the special parts about passion meltdown and dealing with a depressed spouse. I've been depressed myself and I'm approaching her with understanding instead of anger or resentment. It's tough financially (and yes, I realize that there is still a chance I am being taken advantage of) but I'm being supportive however I am capable of. Friend also told me that "Words of Affirmation" is up there in her LL b/c of the way the conversation went. So I'm focusing on "Acts of Service" and "Words of Affirmation" while I "Act As If" around her. GF said things have been better so I'm going to keep the positive changes going.

[jzoom]

For a specific example of something I'm doing...

I don't watch football, never have been interested in it, but she is. GF told friend that me not being into sports was one of the big difference between us and that the last time I tried watching football with her I seemed unhappy. Friend tried to explain that I was asking so many questions b/c I KNOW she is smarter than me when it comes to football and that I was trying to connect with her on something she really enjoys.

I was unhappy that day b/c I had run out and gotten a bunch of snacks which I told her I was getting and she didn't want much of them after I got back. Got a pizza at her request and she didn't have much. She spent most of the time sitting across the room on the computer while the game was on and when she sat on the couch didn't want to sit near me. I was unhappy with the distance she was displaying and the fact that I felt like I want to all this effort to make it a fun day and she wasn't having fun.

So, yesterday I send her a text that the Eagles aren't playing Sun (b/c I looked up their schedule since that's her fave team) and ask what games we are watching. She responds, "Idk yet" so I text, "Ok we'll grab a bag of chips and we still have dip". Her, "Ok" and me, ":-)".

I'm just being really positive about it and I'm not going to go overboard on snacks but want to make it an enjoyable day for her. I'm going to really watch myself and stay happy and content and as interested as possible in the football game(s).

[jzoom]

Now I'm pissed.

I text her with something for us to go do tonight and her response, "Not sure if ill be home tonight ill leave you know its nothing against you just want to do some thinking. Ill leave you know. The kids arnt coming home tonight. I'm sorry. I just feel like your kind of jumping like everything is ok. Phone is dying will text in a little"

Me: I don't understand what you want from me. You want to feel welcome and comfortable and when I do those things and try to be positive about our relationship this is the result.

Her: Didn't realize we were back in a relationship. I told you I don't have a answer but I don't think we should act like nothing has happened either. I feel like your pushing to hard instead of leaving it go how it is so far.

Me: What I said and did last week was stupid and I never really wanted to end it. Even if you don't see us as bf/gf there's still a relationship between us. I understand you don't have an answer but I also can't continually support somebody who isn't more committed. I have noticed and appreciated that things at home are different, that you've been around, that we've talked like old times and I've thanked you for those things. I understand that stuff has happened but right now, with this whole interaction, it seems that how it is now is no different than how it was a couple of weeks ago. I was looking to put in effort to have a different kind of weekend than one where we are separated for most of it.

Me: It's fine thought, if you need time to think then take it. Just remember that I'm still here for you, still doing all I can for you, that after everything that's happened it's still you, and nobody else, that I want.

[jzoom]

I went out to occupy myself for awhile. She ended up going to stay with family so she can think. I ended up texting her that honestly I feel used and taken advantage of. She said that's not it, she's stressed and depressed, and needs time alone to think. We went back and forth a little. Last thing I sent was a heartfelt text supporting her and acknowledging the depression.

I'm stuck right now. That last text was a verbal 180 from what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her to F off and that she'd be getting a new 30 notice.

I did the verbal 180 though and I'm attempting to look at the whole DB concept of her being hurt and confused. I don't understand how "Act As If" backfired so badly. I'm thinking about the "don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do" but I'm lost there as well. I told her that actions speak louder than words, that she's used that with me and I said tonight is to me like how the check incident was to her.

I mean, giving benefit of the doubt that's she's really not just out to use me, what do I do? How do I keep up helpful caring 180's and detach LRT style?

Sorry, I know I'm ranting. I'm angry.

[MrBond]

"I don't understand how "Act As If" backfired so badly."

Acting "as if" is one thing. What you did was a full slash and burn. You can't expect things to go back to normal that quickly after kicking her out and changing the locks on the home in one day.

You haven't been consistent in any of your actions. You have to make a decision whether or not you want to be with her first. If you do, then you have to stick to a plan and run with it for at least a couple of weeks to see if it works.

But stop being wishy washy.

[AnotherStander]

Me: I don't understand what you want from me. You want to feel welcome and comfortable and when I do those things and try to be positive about our relationship this is the result.

Poor response. Here's what you should have replied:

"Understood, take as much time as you need. I need to think things over too."

You continue to do things that totally fly in the face of DB'ing. You're supposed to validate her emotions and support her decisions even if you don't agree with them. Arguing is just the same old behavior that landed you in this sitch to begin with.

Me: What I said and did last week was stupid and I never really wanted to end it. Even if you don't see us as bf/gf there's still a relationship between us. I understand you don't have an answer but I also can't continually support somebody who isn't more committed.

Again, this response is nothing but arguing. Ask yourself, is your arguing with her convincing her of your position? Is it changing her mind? Is it improving your sitch? If the answer is no, no and no, then quit doing it!

Just remember that I'm still here for you, still doing all I can for you, that after everything that's happened it's still you, and nobody else, that I want.

Good grief!! Do you EVER look at the DB 180 tips? We've told you several times to print them out and review them every day if not several times a day. I want you to re-read what you wrote above, then read the below tips and tell me if you're being consistent with DB'ing:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
21. Never lose your cool.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

I ended up texting her that honestly I feel used and taken advantage of.

That is the absolute opposite of detachment. DO NOT text her!! DO NOT grovel!!

I don't understand how "Act As If" backfired so badly.

Because you didn't act "as if". Acting "as if" is showing her that you accept things as they are and that you will be fine whether she goes or stays. It's showing contentment and personal peace. I've read your whole thread and what comes through loud and clear is you've constantly done the opposite of acting "as if".

I mean, giving benefit of the doubt that's she's really not just out to use me, what do I do? How do I keep up helpful caring 180's and detach LRT style?

LRT is not detaching. LRT is what you do when all else has failed, it's for you, not her. It's to help you move on. One thing that is clear in your posts here is you're not even sure you want to save this R. That's the very first thing you need to resolve. If you don't want to save it, then by all means move on. Frankly that may be for the best for you, her and her kids. If you want to save things then you've got to make some kind of effort to learn the DB basics and live them and quit being so inconsistent in your actions.

[jzoom]

Alright, you guys are right, first I have to be sure I want to save this R or not.

Past couple of days has been more of the same. Sun night I pushed the issue and when she "poured her heart" (as she put it) to me I went cold and silent on her. When I was silent for awhile she said, "you do know I care about you?" I didn't say anything and then she said, "why else would I still be sitting here?" My response was, "I also know you have nowhere else to go."

That coldness went on and when she went to bed I snooped and confronted her with stuff. Of course she got defensive when I confronted her and I still think she's hiding something. She eventually asked why should she keep trying and I told her maybe she shouldn't, maybe she doesn't need me in her life. She said that she never said she didn't need me and I told her that I was saying, that maybe I will never be the man for her. She said that wasn't fair of me. So Sun ended with her feeling even more hurt by me.

Mon I send a long text pouring my heart out and tell her I'm texting it b/c when I try to talk to her in person I'm always interrupted. Later on I tell her what we could do for today to get her to the city to get some documents she needs for food stamps and medical cards. She tells me that the babies father offered a ride. I just say ok but she keeps pushing and I let her know I don't like it; I trust her but don't trust him b/c I know he still wants in her pants. I'm not running through all the details here, just a few things from each day, like I said, just more of the same.

This morning she wakes me up and tells me that I shouldn't be worried about the ride with the babies father. She had told me that if she wanted him she would be with him. I tell her that is why I just said ok until she kept pushing for more. I say that she wants me to act differently...and she cuts me off and says, "I want the happy jzoom from months ago, not the controlled jzoom." She also told me point blank that she doesn't see us as together.

So yeah, still confused b/c she gets offended at the idea of me not being in her life but we aren't "together". She wants the old happy me but when I act that way I get accused of acting like nothing happened and everything is just back to normal.

I'm making a decision now that I want to save the R. I don't want to play some alpha games or anything like that. I want to do what I can to make things right, to get myself back to where I should be, and if she comes back to me great. Guess I need to read DR once again and read through the rules and develop a plan of attack and stick with it.

[MrBond]

"I know he still wants in her pants."

This is something you have to get over. He's in the same position you are and worse yet, he has a kid that he doesn't get to see. Learn to start seeing things from other people's perspective and you'll do better at your DBing.