Yesterday I wrote that I have been consumed in trying to change my XW, and it is in agreement with you that is only me who controls me. I have let fear control my actions and by consequence I have made the wrong decisions, nothing that has made my XW get close to me, other than to get something out of me. I have been foolish allowing that somebody else can determine my own happiness.
I have been posting lately that I have been praying for a change in my attitude. Your reply was that you feel I am praying without doing anything and you suspect I am praying for God to change my XW. I can tell you on this that I pray for my self first, I am the one going thru this and my XW is going on thru hers. I do want my XW to change, but I want to change first and be on the point that her actions are hers to deal with.
For the last six months I have tried so hard to change her, I have lied to my self that I can go on with my life without her. I have lied to my self, and I have found a lot of peace in prayer that allows me to continue to live day by day.
You also quoted "Faith without deeds is useless". I agree with you and see the urge to stop fooling my self and start fixing myself. You mentioned several options and by far I have gone thru all of them, I have been home depressed praying for a changed W, I have been home depressed wondering who she is with, and have gone out torturing my self in thinking about her.
I have stoped all this to a certain point. I am still praying, but it is more for me, for my well being. I am puting her on the Lord's hand, and it has allowed me to focus a bit more on other things rather than her. It has been slow, and I need to make more adjustments, and first is to lose my fears. So your suggestions on how you faced yours are appreciated, I know you might say: "I can not tell you how to change because you will become me", but Eric, I do not want to become you, but a little kickstart would help..
This past weekend I've been getting the grasp of exactly what you are saying, I am trying to fix my self and hers at the same time. No, I can not fix her, but me only, and that where my prayers come in place, so I can get wisdom to fully understan that is ME the only one I can change. As I said yesterday, I have the answers inside of me, I realize that and have to dig deep inside to face my fears.
You have asked a really tough question: What does LOVING HER means to me? At this point, I can not give you a coherent answer because the only answer I have is that loving her means the pain I have in my heart. I can tell you that I have to love her to set her free, and it is when I will be set free. I have that understood, I guess is the beggining..
And most of all you are right, everything is on due time, I have to start tackling one thing at a time. Eric I was not doing anything before, absolutely nothing. The first step was to go back to church, and start learning about God, so I can learn about me. I want to say that is my 1st step. Everything else, going to the gym, going out, and all other stuff was just pretending. I started going to church to find answers about how to change my W, but the Lord has shown me that is me who needs Him first. Honestly!!
