"He seems to love the opportunity to attack. I need to stop giving him any reason whatsoever to say anything negative or mean to me"
You said it. I think you two are in a stage in which you need more distance. He's evidently in defensive mode, so anything you say will provoke him. Yes, he only cares about himself, but I am sure he also feels guilt and confusion--it's just that he's not saying it.
This is the key: in order for him to open up and be kinder, he must feel you are not blaming him or think he's a horrible person or a drunk or whatever. If he feels you don't like him or his behavior, he will pull away and be defensive. So take some time off if you can, and when you are with him, show him you appreciate him. If he tries to pick up a fight (and he will) don't respond. Leave the room, say you need some time off, whatever. DO not take the bait.
I know this DBing business is "not for sissies." I think it works for some people, but it's not a magic cure. BUT it's the best you can do RIGHT NOW. So give yourself some time, and if it feels right, get back on the DB wagon. If it doesn't feel right, give yourself more time. You'll know if you've given yourself too much time. You'll know it.
I wish I could like this! lol Like a FB like button. I know you are right. I have tried to not be judgmental. I hate to say it but I really hope he does feel guilt and confusion. I doubt it though. I do think I need some time by myself. I never get it. That is also part of the problem. It very much feels like I got stuck with all the work while he got to just walk away.
I hope you get to take some time for yourself this weekend. Even if it's a couple of hours. Also, when people feel guilty/confused, sometimes they express it as anger. It's a defense mechanism. We don't really know what's in your H's mind, but I bet most WAS feel guilty at some point...
So today we were supposed to go to the basketball game for our girls. They were then going to go home with him and spend a few hours. Basically, we left it at if he showed up I would know he intended for them to go with him. Otherwise, I wasn't going to mention it anymore to them so they would perhaps be less disappointed. He showed up and I could tell something was up. He glared at me the entire time. Once the game was over he was standing there and he said I have no idea what is happening after the way you acted yesterday. So I calmly asked well did you want them to go with you? They are planning on it. He said he "guessed so." Well they hadn't brought other clothes so finally it was decided they would come here and change first and he would pick them up. Right after we got here he pulled up. Basically, he came in and glared at me the whole time. I just sort of looked at him like what's up. He then said, "Don't expect me to be nice after you threatened me yesterday." "Huh? What are you talking about?" His reply,"You are not the only one that can threaten." So I said, what exactly are you going to do? There's nothing you really can do. Let me just say- I am a complete and 100% drug free person. I don't do anything at all illegal. I don't scam, steal. Nothing like that. Finally it occurs to me so I asked. What are you going to do? Call children services? He just smirked. So I said, " go right ahead. I have nothing at all to hide. Sure, I don't really want to deal with it but you and I both know nothing will come of it and then you will just seem to be a vindictive jerk. Then he says "you are just like your mother." Me- calmly- I am not.
At this point I said-I do need to know what sort of schedule you might be interested in as far as keeping them. I am going to interview for a job through the holidays and I need to know what times you are not available to watch them so I can set my availability. So then he says,"Yes, you have my whole bank account and I am tired of it. I am tired of working for JR" Me- calmly- "What would you like to do? You know I have no money if I am not working. I am not going to able to go to the show I bought tickets for next week due to not really having the extra money." He said do you need money? I have everything we need covered. I just don't have any to spare. He went to get his wallet out. I said, I do NOT want any money from you. So he starts in on me again. Telling me how I ruined his night and his weekend. Finally I said, "I'm not fighting with you. Are you done?" Of course, he took it as a double meaning and says, "I am absolutely completely done with you." My response was "okay, bye" and I waived.
Finally, he goes and gets in the car, the kids were already out there waiting.I went out and was getting in my car to go to the grocery. He pulls up and rolls down the window screaming "where are you going and when will you be back so I can drop them off?" I said, I'm not sure when I will be back. Just have S14 text or call so I can be sure and be home. Not nasty. Still calm. Still polite, even friendly. Then he mashed the gas and took off.
I realized at this point, I had left my keys in the house and headed back in to get them. In the meantime, I noticed money sitting on top of my fish tank. So he had left some anyway.
I head back out and low and behold here he comes again. Apparently, he went to his dad's house with the kids. His father lives next door to us. As I was turning around D10 came walking back up to the car and asked where I was going? I was non committal. Told her I had a few places to go. Basically, I think he put her up to asking. So I went to the grocery and did my thing. Never did tell them where I was going. lol. If for no other reason than it sure seemed to get his goat. My guess is his big plans fell through. Not that I care. I also think he is not quite as thrilled with his new life as he says he is. My other thought is that there is an OW and she is pressuring him big time. If that's the case, more power to her. lol
This is going to sound dumb. However, I DID have my feelings hurt last night. At some point I was thinking about it and it occurred to me that he either knew it hurt my feelings and didn't care or he had no clue. I don't know which is worse. How could you be with someone for so long and be that clueless?
It really hit home and struck a deep nerve. I deserve better than that. Truly. My kids deserve better. Despite all of our problems I do not intentionally try to hurt him. If there is something I know would make him feel bad I have tried to shield him. Or I hadn't until my smart ass bye comments today and waiving. Seriously though. Screw that. Screw his nasty attitude and to hell with fighting. The whole time today I just kept thinking to myself- I will NOT be drawn in, I will NOT be drawn in, I will NOT be drawn in. And I wasn't. I also imagine Tori's voice in my head. Maybe, just maybe, I am finally getting it.
Wow, MKB, you were strong and didn't give in. I like the way you're exploring your inner self, too. Keep doing that. Continue being aware of your reactions and catch them before they get out of control.
Any way you can see/speak to your H less? I think going dark for a while might help, or at least avoiding opportunities for him to lash out. Maybe you can keep your contact to essential stuff like the kids?
Trying to do that. It seems like he really makes an effort to see me though despite my feelings. It's weird. He brought the kids home and of course didn't call first. I wasn't home. lol They asked did you go to the grocery? I came in empty handed and hadn't been anywhere really but he didn't know that. He made it a point to tell me his plan was to go to dinner and go clothes shopping for himself. Not sure why he told me really. He asked to take some things down to the other house. I told him that was fine I can get it and I didn't want to keep him from him plans. That is when he told me his plans and then got sort of pissy that I refused the help. I don't know what I am supposed to do though. So he moves out then he keeps showing up. Keeps trying to do things for me. Is that to help with his guilt or what? One of my problems is that acts of service is my love language and previously he seriously did nothing. Nothing. He wouldn't even pick up after himself much less do a thing for me. That just pisses me off too. So how am I supposed to take that? Should i just take the help? I feel sort of like he is setting me up for another blow. If that makes sense? I don't trust him. Not with my feelings or anything else really at this point. It feels like the most impossible situation. He doesn't want to be here but has his foot in the door. I really think he has no idea WHAT he wants but this is just ridiculous. Of course at the same time I don't want to run him off. Blah.
So it looks like I am pretty much done DB'ing. He finally admitted to talking to and spending his birthday with XW1. That was and has always been a hard line for me. I simply cannot accept that he is screwing around again. So I need help with where I can find online separation and divorce documents.
I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened! What a blow! I know that had to hurt and I'm so sorry!
Hopefully there's some solace in finally getting to the bottom of things and knowing the truth. At least then you can formulate a plan for your future. Based upon your posts, the state you were living in with his craziness wasn't healthy for you.
MKB, I am so sorry. Your gut feeling told you something was up, and you were right. Now, calm down. Give yourself a few days to digest this. You may feel like you have a zillion things to do, and the past and the future are fusing into a mad scramble in your head. Let this pass. In the meantime, call a D lawyer and make an appointment for the end of the week or the week after just so you know what to expect. Do not rush or you'll feel stressed out and anxious. I completely understand how this was your bottom line, especially after what he did in 2006. I'm sending you a BIG hug.
